Dokime

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!!!

2010-07-30T10:37:00.007Z

"Let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father."

Jesus

What a challenge!

Speaking honestly, some days it feels like I shine out Jesus from every pore ... most days though it feels like I fail miserably.

That's been the theme of this weeks camp ... encouraging the young people to connect with God and then let their light shine for all to see.

Am sitting pondering that after speaking on it last night, and as I get ready to go back home again. As someone 'in ministry' (or hoping to be soon!) you're almost always expected to be close to God and shining. But sometimes that comes from a place of real emptiness I have to confess. Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it can feel more like an act than a genuine shining.

Was re-challenged myself as I talked last night about Jesus not only knowing your past, but knowing your future and the potential you have. Potential to make a difference in the world. Potential to enact change and tranformation. Potential to be different and be who God created you to be.

Alongside all this am reading Les Misérables in anticipation of seeing it in London next week (graduation present from my fiancé and celebration of our one year anniversary - how cool is that!). Though I love the music from it could only vaguely remember the actual story line, so reading it is really helpful. Can't get out my mind though the priest at the beginning. The way he lived his life shined light into the lives of others. He was generous, humble, kind, devoted, lived with integrity and spoke with honesty. All of this had an effect on the criminal Valjean as well as countless others. Not too far in yet, but can already see the ripple effect into the lives of others.

Let your light shine before others so they may see your good works and praise your Father in heaven.

We did a really cool night walk the other night in the pitch black, in what felt like the middle of nowhere. It ended up with us getting to this big clearing where one of the leaders light a candle and shared some thoughts on that verse in Matthew. Then there was an opportunity to respond by lighting a candle and placing it alongside, adding to the light, and asking God to help you to shine in the darkness. It was one of those holy moments ... totally silent ... people engaging with God ... no-one wanting to leave after. It was so simple and yet so profound as I placed my candle alongside the others. In the stillness of that moment I was asking God for boldness to proclaim Him, to shine, to bring light into darkness. That may be my 'calling' but I want it to come not from a sense of duty but from an overflow of who I am because of who I am through Christ. Because the question is what do people see when they look at me? Am I creating the kind of ripple effect that priest in Les Mis was? Do my 'good deeds' flow from a place of selfishness, where though it seems kind really I'm after the praise and recognition, or does it flow from a place of intimacy with my heavenly Father? I know which one I want it to be ... the challenge is for that to be the truth in my life ...

Gorge walking it through the tough times...

2010-07-30T10:08:00.004Z

As usual it has been far too long since I have blogged!

This week I've been up in Nethybridge for Adventure Plus - a great action-packed activities Christian camp for teenagers run by the amazing team at Abernethy. My job has been to help speak in the evenings and its been a real priviledge to share the gospel with folks in a variety of ways.

However, as I'm not speaking every day I managed to get out on an activitity ... the gorge walk. I was here a couple of years ago and did it then too. I remember at the time, back before we went off, thinking about the gorge walking I'd done with school trips ... a nice little river, some trees to clamber over, but nothing too drastic. That's what I was imagining for this too.

How wrong could I have been! Heading down to the boat shed I'm issued with a helmet, wetsuit, wetsuit protector and a bouyancy aid. This was gonna be no walk in the park, easy adventure. When we got to the site and got in the water it was freezing! The water was gushing and climbing up rocks and through little bends and jumping off sections took so much effort and energy I honestly thought I wasn't gonna make it. But at the end ... wow ... what an amazing feeling ... I'd survived which really felt like a miracle!

Back to this year ... it was the best activity for me to go on 'cause it was only half a day, but this time I was prepared. This time I knew what to expect. This time I knew it would be tough so I stepped a little stronger and pulled myself up a little harder and jumped a little higher. This time I didn't just survive ... I had fun and enjoyed the adventure.

It struck me as we finished though and as we were preparing to speak on being healed and the cross and forgiveness and keeping going and all the other Christian stuff, that this is a lot like how it feels in life at times.

There are times when you've been coasting along or life seems as though its nice and settled, and then suddenly its a battle just to survive and keep on your feet with your head above the water. In those times it doesn't always feel like we'll make it, like we'll get through.

And yet somehow, some way, we do.

And when difficulties arise again, well we're a little more prepared for them than we were the last time ... and if we survived the last time perhaps its easier to believe we'll survive this time too.

I love (word used deliberately) the fact that as a Christian I know I am never facing things by myself but rather everything life throws at me is faced with God and in God's presence. He's promised never to leave me nor forsake me, no matter how tough life gets, and He's the One who gets me through. He's given me all I need and more. And each time life is tough, somehow its easier to face it ... because if God got me through last time and He's promised never to leave me, then He'll get me through this time too.

And even when it's tough, it's still the adventure of a lifetime. As the folks at Abernethy say "Live the dream!"

Challenge in unexpected places...

2010-06-22T15:05:00.002Z

Am enjoying reading books that have been sitting patiently for some months now as college finished. One that I'm slowly working my way through right now came recommended in one of the Rwandan books I read earlier this year. Kay Warren is married to Rick Warren (Saddleback Church, Purpose Driven Life etc), and writes like she's sitting having coffee with you. It has to be one of the most challenging and encouraging books I've read this year, though I have to admit I did not think it would be before I started it. She talks openly about her battles with cancer, what it meant for God to break her heart and make her gloriously ruined and what it's meant for her to become involved in issues of justice and humanitarianism. Throughout the book she looks at what it means to confront evil, including the evil that we ourselves perpetrate, and what it means to look for the image of God in others, seeking to reach out to others as Jesus to them. I highly recommend it, though suggest reading it alongside someone else so as to encourage discussion and action.

2010-05-29T11:46:00.004Z

So life is changing a lot again at the moment...

I got engaged on Wednesday night, so that's a major change for sure!

College is finished, just awaiting final marks for classes before graduation.

Am trying to discern where God is leading in terms of a job, pushing doors and seeking to be sensitive to the Spirit. All the while, Wes O are being great and keeping me on in my part-time role until I find something. Has been great to get back to EMBC the past few Sundays. Have missed being part of a consistant community over the past few months for a variety of reasons, so is nice to feel like I have 'come home' again ... and the fact that yet again there are loads of people in church that I don't know yet is an extremely hope-full sight.

It's funny. Have been preparing for a year to leave EK, and at the moment though everything is changing, I'm not moving anywhere yet. Went through a grief-style feeling almost a couple of weeks ago as college ended and the immense emotional roller-coaster of the past few months came to an end. Rather than thinking it was a stupid thing to be feeling however a wise friend told me to embrace it, and in the midst of it God encountered me in a deep way, bringing me back to my 'normal' self and back to life again in a lot of ways.

Now that I have some more time on my hands though, lol, I'll be starting to blog again. Need somewhere to get some thoughts out my head ... so why not here.

But not today ... today is a day for final prep for three services tomorrow (with three different sermons!), and to watch my new fiancé doing DIY in the kitchen, lol...

My life in a nutshell at the moment...

2010-03-13T21:48:00.004Z

Ok, so realised not blogging much again this weather ... seems like when life gets busy this is one of the first things to go. And things do feel a little crazy at the moment!

In last semester of college at the moment ... trying to keep up with a course called Rediscovering the Triune God ... and write a dissertation on prophetic preaching and what it might mean to describe the preacher in this way. At the moment many nights are spent working past midnight and it looks like this will be a permanent feature over the next few weeks ... though my lecturer did realise that some of my writing the other night had been done in the wee small hours, so may need to remember to sleep sometimes too.

Have managed to make it to EMBC for one morning service so far this year - other than that I've been on placement (was great, loved it, fab formative experience!) or at other churches. Feeling slightly like a stranger and visitor, but they show me grace! Away the next couple of weekends but hopefully back worshipping with them soon.

Have started the search for a church to settle in after college ... that is going considerably slower than I imagined it might. This is not necessarily bad ... I don't want millions of options ... just the right one. Feel really strongly that I have to stay in Scotland ... which is great ... until great sounding job oppertunities appear south of the border constantly and I need to be reminded of the call to stay here ... prayers appreciated.

Work was bought over just before Christmas so beginning to see some changes being implimented. Again, a new season for us there too.

Trying to keep up with friends is hard, but great when it happens. Enjoyed a night out with some girlie friends last week and had such a laugh! One of only a few nights out I've managed to have with them this year, I really appreciated it and am so looking forward to the next one ... probably also including some more cocktails and singing (though I'm the interpretive dancer of the group ... I'm not good enough to be one of the singers), lol! Have become part of a discussion group which is also forming a kind of community for me. And of course, every now and again coffee with folks happens. More time to give to friends would be nice though, feel like some of my relationships (including at times the one with my boyfriend) are suffering due to my lack of time and availability. Know its only for a season, but as someone who greatly values relationships its hard and I miss the face-to-face contact with some folks.

Though life may be crazy and busy at the moment, it's still good. There is much to be thankful for, as well as much to pray for. There are many highlights mixed in amongst all the other stuff. Hmmm, my life in a nutshell at the moment ... some more thoughts on stuff more exciting to follow soon ...

Your love is everything...

2010-01-27T16:06:00.004Z

This is a song that we've sung a couple of times at KCC while I've been there. Had heard it before, but for me this, along with some of the other worship songs that we've used which vary in style and content, is reflective of where I'm at just now and able to help me give verbal expression to some of the things going on. Many people have a version of it, including Jesus Culture, but think it was originally written by a guy called Chris McClarney.

Your Love Is Everything

When I am dry and thirsty Lord,

And I'm crying out for more,

I know I can trust in your love.

In the darkness in the night

When I'm starving for the light

I know I can trust in Your love

You keep no records of my sin,

and you don't remember all my shame.

Your love heals every disease

Your love fulfills my every need

Your love is everything to me

Your love is everything

I will not forget

I wont forget your promises

I will not forget

I wont forget your love.

I will not forget

I wont forget nothing is impossible

I will not forget

I wont forget your love.

Reflections on my time at Hand of Friendship

2010-01-27T15:44:00.006Z

This is quite an honest and frank post, but about stuff thats been on my mind this week. Because of that I hope that those reading are able to read it recognising the honesty and vulnerability that is contained in it.

Have been doing some reflecting this week on the group Hand of Friendship that I have been going to while on placement, where everyone is welcome and has a place.

Being there has also forced me to face some of my own prejudice. Well, I’m not sure prejudice is the right word, perhaps fears and misconceptions would be better. While I totally believe in diversity within the community of faith, that the church should be a place where all people are accepted, in reality that often means I spent time with people who are ‘like me.’ Or pretty much like me. The church I am in normally, and many of the churches I have worked in or visited, do not have many people with special needs in them. I'm actually not to sure I like this, as it makes me question what it says about us and this is deeply challenging. Personally this means that, unconsciously almost, I had developed a fear of sorts. In all honesty I was not sure how to respond to people with special needs, not always sure of how to communicate, and while never being faced with oppertunities of this sort it went unaddressed ... not something I am too proud to admit really, not my greatest confession thats for sure. Until I came to KCC.

The first night I was so nervous but the first couple of girls in put me at ease, mainly because they just wanted to chat about ‘normal’ things like music and Christmas. As more and more people came in I realised that actually it’s not as hard as I thought to communicate in situations like this. It simply requires me to be me, allow others to be them, and to view each person as an individual of value. Thinking about that it seems so simple and I can’t understand why I didn’t get it before, but I’m glad I do now.

Though I may not agree with his choice of terminology in his book, I understand what Stanley Hauerwas means when he writes this about how folks different to us give us insights into how community can be enhanced and enriched as they
force us to recognize that we are involved in a community life that is richer than out official explanations and theories give us the skill to say. (p.g 213)
He goes on to talk about the richness that people with special needs bring to community rather than just being those that are seen to take from community or have nothing to input. That has been my experience through Hand of Friendship.

Through Hand of Friendship I am learning to value people, seeing through God's eyes and in the process I am discovering more about who I am. God is a creative God, present in the most unexpected places, and I am finding God in the faces and people at Hand of Friendship – through the clients, the helpers and the carers. 'The other' (the term banded about a lot at the moment to describe anyone not me) is not someone to be feared but embraced, valued and loved in the same way I love self and God.

There are not any verses as far as I can see specifically about people with learning difficulties or God’s thoughts on this. (If I'm wrong please hightlight them to me!) However, there are many about how much God loves the people whom God created, how Jesus died for all, about how Jesus is for all, and how all can be in relationship with God. People with special needs or learning difficulties may understand things differently, at times more profoundly I sometimes think (though in truth don't we all understand things differently to one another eh!), but they are most definitely included in that ‘all’ rather than excluded. For me, and the Christian community at large, to view them differently than that, or as less than being included in that all, denies both their personhood, God’s creation and God’s plans and purposes. This is quite a sobering thought, when confronted with my unconscious prejudice and fear.

Moving towards this understanding is deeper than simply a warm, fuzzy feeling, but a growing sense of the love God has for all people. The more that moves me, the more I am moved to be and share with people. This I think is what it means for some of my theories and theological ideas about community engagement, involvement and the faith community in general to have flesh put on the bones. It is no longer simply ideas but actions.
If we are to be a good community we must be one that has convictions substantive enough not to fear our differences and, indeed, to see that we would not be whole without the other being different than us. (p.g. 214)
As I learn to communicate in new ways, in new situations, I am also learning what it takes to develop and maintain community, good community. Community embracing diversity but still held in unity.

Intelligent Church and incarnational ministry

2010-01-16T12:21:00.006Z

Am on my final college placement at the moment, choosing to go to Kilsyth Community Church. As a Baptist College student the choice of a non-Baptist church may seem strange, but its not a chance choice. The Associate Pastor has been a college colleague for a few years, and having heard loads about the church I was keen to go there and check it out. Have become somewhat interested in thinking, reflecting on and living out certain 'anabaptist' principles in an attempt to follow after Christ with integrity, authenticity and well, radical-ness. By radical though I mean total surrender, utter life-long and whole-life discipleship. This church in many ways lives this out. And so while not Baptist they certainly live out baptist ideals in many aspects of church life and witness. So my placement is working alongside their Community Outreach Co-ordinator exploring how they might develop some of the community engagement into fresh expressions of church amongst other things. As part of that my personal reading, reflecting and writing will look at some of the values and principles that underpin community engagement.

With that in mind I have been reading Intelligent Church this week, reflecting on what it means to be the Church. Radical church, which really shouldn’t be that radical, but often is because it looks quite different to what church can often look like, is incarnational in nature. It seems to me that there is amongst some church leaders, and congregations too, a move towards this kind of church, springing from a discontent at the way things are currently. In my thinking this week I have been unable to get away from the idea that actually intelligent church is radical in nature and perhaps the biggest principle that underpins this is that it is incarnational.

If God is incarnational, and the church’s task is to be part of God’s mission, this principle must become ours too. (Chalke, pg 39).

Incarnational in the sense that we get involved. God, in Jesus, took on human flesh and became part of humanity. God got involved in a very real sense in everyday life. God did it in such a way that everything was turned on its head and transformed. Everything in the Bible points to and leads towards Jesus, and everything after talks of the implications. And so if we are, as disciples (those who know what their teacher knows and do what their teacher does as they follow after the teacher), are to become incarnational it means we must involved. Get involved in a real way, in the nitty gritty of people’s lives, of the communities and places we find ourselves. It’s not a maybe, but a definite.

Sounds great in theory, but how do we do this? How does this become concrete?
Perhaps the greatest miracle of Pentecost is this: God chooses to speak to us in our own language. His is no one-size-fits-all policy. He comes to us. He begins where we are.
If the incarnation is God personally involving himself with his people, the day of Pentecost is God miraculously equipping the church to do the same. The rest of the book of Acts is the story of how the first Christians connected with the world, slowly discovering how to contextualize the gospel for each people group they encountered – to meet them on their own turf.
This same task remains the challenge for the church today: to start where people are, to engage in our communities, to embrace the public – in short, to speak their language. (Chalke, pg. 41)

It takes concrete form in the practices we live out. These practices of things like inclusion, loyalty, service become the principles that underpin both community engagement as well as authentic Christian witness. This happens with the realisation that, like the chapter titles of Chalke’s book point to, church needs to become inclusive meaning it may look quite messy. People’s lives aren’t sorted, and neither are ours, and so inclusion and messiness are natural and to be expected rather than feared. This is what happens when you begin to discern what the living Christ is saying and doing amongst people, for Jesus loved and included and cleaned up people. We do the same, but not from a position of condemnation and superiority, but rather radical attachment to Jesus and love of God, self and other. Tripolar spirituality as David Augsburger would call it.

I have seen this borne out in many of the different things I have seen this week at KCC. They tried to convince me that every week is not as hectic as this one has been, but I'm beginning to see that actually it is. And rather than being off putting I actually think that is quite attractive. It is not an easy kind of ministry, but it is transformational. The thing is though, it most definately requires getting out of the mind-set that this is a quick-fix kind of ministry, or one in which you see 'bums on seats' quickly. You don't! But you do genuinely walk with people, witness to Jesus and eventually as they begin to become open to Jesus (in part because of the way Jesus has been borne witness to by disciples) transformation of a deep and lasting kind begins to occur. It takes time and it takes a willingness to endure the pain and frustration of what incarnational ministry often means, but it also means being open to seeing God move in the most amazing and unexpected ways.

Hmmm, I love it! Just the idea makes me come alive, and so I'm forced to ask myself why. Is it because that kind of ministry meets any kind of need in me? Not that I can see, but perhaps because it seems to reflect tripolar living - genuine authentic discipleship following after Jesus, Lord of all.

Some thoughts on kids in worship...

2009-09-08T17:45:00.004Z

At EMBC on Sunday night we had five baptisms. Was a great service! During the service I got was having some fun with one of my friend's kids, singing and dancing, drawing and watching the baptisms. My friend's kids are fab, and though lively they are not disruptive, or at least I don't think so. Her friend was also with her, along with her son. Watching their faces at times as mothers made me cringe though. It was as if they were worried about what they're kids were doing as if they were doing something wrong ... and it made me see again afresh that at times we as people in congregations are the ones who have made them feel that way. Thankfully Sunday was a place and type of service where my friend and hers could relax more about what the kids were doing, but this is not always the case. We love kids, so we say, we love them in our services ... as long as they sit quietly! They're kids, what do we expect!!! Now that's not to excuse badly behaved children, but rather to say that kids are kids and would it not be better to engage them like that than expect them to be older than they are ... I mean in reality, how many of us sit quietly through a service anyway ... at least no-one in the section that I sit in at church!

Engaging with my little friend in a way she related to helped her enjoy worship, helped her express some creativity, and made the service an enjoyable event where I'm chosing to believe God met with her in some way. After all, though six she evidences more faith than some others I know in her lifestyle!

Was reading this yesterday in Paul Fiddes Tracks and Traces. Though the chapter is about baptism, his point here is discussing children in worship and in our services:
Although they [children, especially believing children] are dependant on others in ways that adult believers are not, this does not mean that the whole body cannot learn from them. Indeed, the faith of all cannot grow without listening to their witness.
This is true even with very young children, and worship can be enriched by truly integrating them within it. I do not just mean 'having a talk for the children', which may be quite inappropriate for any but the older ones. I mean listening to their contribution to worship. For one period of the worship at least, it is good to have the whole fellowship together. As the youngest children cry out in frustration or anger or tiredness, we can take this into our prayers: we can hear through them the crying of children throughout the world, many of whom are crying through hunger, or because they have lost their parents in war, or because they are being abused. It is a loss to the prayer-life of the whole congregation when parents have to take crying children out, or feel under pressure to do so. For ten or fifteen minutes at least their cries can become our prayers of intercession. As young children laugh or giggle, let us listen and try to re-capture the sheer unspoilt enjoyment they take in the world, and its absurdities - even those of the minister. Let their laughter help us laugh before God. As slightly older children ask questions, or make comments in loud voices, let us not hush them, but think about what they have said: let their questions, asked without the slightest worry of appearing foolish, become our questions to God in prayer, for God showed the greatest truth through a cross which seemed to the wise to be sheer foolishness.
These are just some examples of the way that children on the way to faith can deepen our worship of God, as they are embraced in the fellowship of the body ... Children belong because of the grace of God that goes ahead of us. (pg. 135)

May our churches be places where all the ages, including children, meet together to worship God as we are and as we are being made ... and may we engage with each other in true fellowship (koinonia).

Personal freak-out moment!

2009-09-03T11:50:00.006Z

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

Ok, so its been a while since I've blogged ... been really busy! Today I'm sorting through some Youth Alpha stuff ahead of it starting a week on Sunday (!) but thought I'd take some time to actually write here.

Today is my last day of being 24. I have this whole thing, always have, of the week before my birthday counting down the days like this ... this is my last Wednesday being ___ so lets make this the best Wednesday yet. However, this year I've been having a little personal freak-out about my birthday. Tomorrow I turn 25 ... and as everyone keeps telling me, that means I turn quarter of a century.

QUARTER OF A CENTURY!!!

That sounds old! That is old!

This week though as I've been freaking out (ok, so been doing the freaking out about the quarter

of a century thing for longer than a week!) I've also been really aware of not only getting older, but standing on the brink of a whole new season in my life. Sure, I pray that by next year I'm in a new place where God would have me, wherever that would be. Yet somehow this time feels very much like the start of that new season as the preperation continues. This is my final (I hope) year at college full time. This is my final year (I pray, but in a good way) year at East Mains full time. In two weeks I go before the BOM (!) and depending on how God leads there depends on how some things progress.

I remember years ago I was faced with this huge challenge while at a camp. I was working with YFC and we had taken a group to Fort Rocky, an outdoor adventure weekend that also looked at how Jesus had come to give us life to the full. At this point I should really mention that I am scared of heights, and when I say scared what I really mean is petrified. But standing at the climbing wall with my group of girls who were scared too I did the good leader thing, faced my fear and climbed up the wall with them. At the top though the activity leader then asked for a volunteer to do the Walk Of Death ... ok so it wasn't really called that but it might as well have been. After having their ropes re-jigged, the volunteer was meant to walk face first back down the wall. No-one volunteered (big surprise!) ... and before I could stop myself up went my hand and out of my mouth came "I'll do it!" I stood on the edge of that wall for ages, it really did feel like an eternity, and my life really did flash before my eyes at the same time as all these doubts and fears and questions flew through my mind. Eventually though I stepped over the edge and had an amazing adventure as I experienced a real adreneline rush, doing something I could never have imagined for myself.

The way I felt then is a little like the way I feel just now. Like I'm standing on the edge as my ropes are still being re-jigged fit for stepping over the edge. The only difference is that this time I know for sure that God has my future in His hand. I know I'll be stepping into an adventure with God that I could never have imagined for myself, but is most definately the best adventure for me. If I'm honest, at times I have little personal freak-out moments, like I'm having about my birthday. If I stop and think about it too much then what I feel God's calling me too seems utterly crazy!!! It's almost like I want to ask God, do you know me??? I'll mess this up, I can't do it, I don't have all the skills or giftings for this. But actually, that's the point. On my own I don't. In reality, for me to be doing anything like this at all is testimony to the power of God, for it is only through Him that I can do anything. Sometimes I freak out about not knowing how things will work out, where I will end up, how God will cause it all to happen ... because I like to be in control and know what's going on. But God is continually teaching me to rely on Him more and to trust in Him more fully ... for He is able to be trusted, totally faithful and good.

Ahhh, today is a little bit of a freak out day! But today is also a day when the promises of God take on even more life in my life.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Interesting reading...

2009-08-01T12:36:00.002Z

Stuck in the house ill at the moment ... not good, don't do ill too well, get too restless. Using the time to do some reading and planning - when my brain not fuzzy that is. Still reading The End of Words by Lischer as I didn't take it with me to SS. Here's two interesting quotes from the second chapter I've been pondering today:

"If scripture is ever again to be a living source for theology, those who practice theology [and preach] must become less preoccupied with the world that produced scripture and learn again how to live in a world scripture produces. This will be a matter of imagination, and perhaps of leaping."
Luke Timothy Johnson quoted on page 52

The preacher is like a gemologist who turns a precious stone this way and that in order to capture its brilliance, much in the way that rabbis sought to bring out the "perfection" of the text. The interpreter/preacher rotates the passage against the light, viewing it from every angle until it discloses the glory of God, which for the believer has already been revealed in the face of Jesus Christ.
page 58

We're back...

2009-07-30T15:54:00.004Z

So, after a long week trying to keep dry and warm (for the first time ever had real rain at SS!) we got back from Soul Survivor safely. In the end that meant 3 mini-buses, a van and three cars (with three other cars leaving early). The week was really different to every other Soul Survivor for many different reasons, some of which I'll share later. But for now, its safe to say that I've come back from SS ill, and so off to bed I go until such a time as can blog my thoughts when I can think clearly again. Before I do though, thanks to all of you who were praying for us ... we appreciated it and we felt the effects of your prayers ...

One more sleep to go!!!

2009-07-23T19:33:00.005Z

Off to Soul Survivor in the morning - need to be at EMBC at 6am!!! Apparently according to some of the guys the trick is not to wake up fully. That way you can go back to sleep as soon as your bus starts off. Me, I'm too excited to go back to sleep! Usually I'm too excited to sleep to well the night before at all!!

Not sure of the final numbers of 'us' yet, but reckon maybe 58 or so. Think that equates to three mini-buses in the end, a car (with an extra two coming later) and a van. This year we're splitting into 'Tribes' to look get duties done and make sure people are looked after. Is a great idea, know it will work well.

So, what am I looking forward to and so excited about? Well, love this week because of the oppertunity it is to worship the Triune God and catch a glimpse of God's glory, God's power and God's heart. Every meeting we go to something happens. The Spirit falls and God's glory, grace and power are manifest - in both visible ways and invisible ways. You're left in awe and wonder, sometimes face down, others times dancing in the aisles. In the course of the week you find yourself moved to tears and weeping in repentance as well as laughing with joy and assurance of God's very presence with you. Every year we see young people apprehensive at first either come to know Jesus for the first time, recommit their lives to Him, or explode in worship in a new-found way. While its primarily for the young folks we go with, each year God in all His goodness does as much in leaders as He does with the youth.

I'm looking forward to the seminars. Getting a chance to hear thoughts on things you don't always. Hearing voices who think differently than you and challenge your perceptions, or at times think in similar ways and you realise perhaps your not crazy after all, or the only one hearing God speak this word at this time for this season.

I'm looking forward to the time together. I'm looking forward to the time to catch up with specific friends over coffee (and perhaps cake), some of whom I see all the time here so will be nice to have some 'deeper' chats, some of whom I rarely see because they live so far away so will be nice to spend time with face-to-face as opposed to only on the phone. I'm looking forward to the time we spent together as a YF group. Tents, meals together, games in the afternoon, sitting around chatting ... we care for each other, love each other, encourage each other, pray for each other - and when we come home we build on that and continue to do all that stuff.

Yahey, only one more sleep to go. Tell you what happens when I come back ... I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so excited!!!

2009-07-20T22:57:00.004Z

One of the joys of college is all the reading ... one of the frustrations of college is all the reading!!! At times it can feel like I'm only reading certain parts of things in order to write an essay, and other times its totally gripping and you're able to run with a thought into several books in a 'proper' fashion. However, summer becomes a valuable time, a time to do all the reading you wanted to do but couldn't; a time to read all those books you passed on the shelves day after day and longed to pick up but had to remind yourself that there really are only 24hours in a day!

Reading one such book at the moment, though it is doubling as research as might be able to use it in a dissertation. Not too far into it yet, but was reading this about preaching today and it really hit me deep. It made me think about my preaching, and even my 'general' ministering, and what kind of preacher and minister I want now to commit to be. The book is Richard Lischer's The End of Words: The Language of Reconciliation in a Culture of Violence (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2005). Here is what I was reading:

When ministers allow the word of God to be marginalized, they continue to speak, of course, and make generally helpful comments on a variety of issues, but they do so from no centre of authority and with no heart of passion. We do our best to meet people's needs, but without the divine word we can never know enough or be enough, because consumer need is infinite. We are simply there as members of a helping profession ... no seminarian or candidate sets out to minister with such reduced expectations, and not everyone succumbs to this scenario, but ultimately the marginalization of the word of God fractions it into a hundred lesser duties.

pg. 23-24

As a young minister in the making this is an important thing to think through and bear in mind in order to be one of those who does not succumb to that lesser-ness (if that is even a word!). One of my pastors once wisely said that our role is to bring God into situations and spiritually guide in that sense. He was talking in relation to knowing where 'boundaries' may lie in the sense that while you may counsel, you are not a counsellor etc. Yet in relation to what Lischer is talking about it also makes sense. If as pastors part of our 'job' is to bring God into situations and spiritually guide then the Word has to be central to that. When that is lost or becomes misplaced things have gone seriously wrong! While that may seem obvious, I pray that it is something that stays with me as I grow into ministry more.

On a different, yet perhaps related note - this is what I was reading relating to preaching that I thought was also worthy of note:

In the act of preaching something dies and something rises. What dies (or should die) is the preoccupation with the self that plagues so many performers. This death is ironic, since some sense of "self" is stimulated by God's call in the first place and is necessary for public speaking ... Today's preachers are heirs to the twentith century mantra, "Be yourself!" Preaching is "truth through personality", but the two elements in Philips Brooks's famous definition have become so entangled that they are [often] indistinguishable from one another. And whenever there is a conflict between truth and personality, personality always wins [not good] ... What also dies in the act of preaching is the scavenger hunt for novelty that drives many sermons ... What rises is the remarkable synergy of the spoken word and the life of the baptized community, which in the parlance of Isaiah is the gift of a "new thing."

pg. 35-36

Now thats an exciting thought! Especially in relation to my thoughts about preaching as prophetic witness. As Lischer notes

The prophets are uniformly annihilated by a conversation with God, only to reappear as powerful individual performer's of the word on God's behalf.

pg. 35

Now if thats what a death to self and a need to perform for praise leads to in the rising of a sermon that is the synergy of spoken word combined with the Word within the life of the community then perhaps, just perhaps our experiences would be more like that of the prophets ... annihilated regularly but annihilated in a way that leads to life-giving words, though various in nature. Now that really would be preaching experienced as prohetic witness!!!

2009-07-15T22:08:00.005Z

Today was spent with my head in commentaries. Not a bad day was had. Preaching on 2 Corinthians 5:11-21 on Sunday. What has re-grabbed me as I read the commentaries and saw where my thinking at the moment fits and may not fit so well was the sheer grace of God. Now, you would think this is not a new idea for me. And it's not! However, as we all know there are times when we are either re-struck or struck in a fresh way with something that somehow over time we have begun to take for granted.

'What is stressed in the present passage is the amazing grace of God revealed when he himself took the initiative in Christ to remove the obstacle to reconciliation existing on his part. It is only on this basis that there exists a gospel of reconciliation by which humanity can now be called to be reconciled to God ... The ministry of reconciliation is primarily the proclamation of what God has done.'

God has, in Christ, reconciled us to Himself ... that blows me away. But more than us, God was, in Christ, reconciling the whole world to Himself. The way is open for those who will to walk in (yup, Arminianism strikes again). No wonder Paul could say that now Christ's love compels him!

The sermon is not ready yet ... but my mind is on over-drive. More to follow I'm sure.

On a separate note, while at the library I was having some fun looking through books for dissertation ideas. Am considering doing something on the nature of the prophetic in preaching - something about preaching as prophetic witness or embodiment or something. Anyways, was re-reading the intro to a book about Martin Luther King Jr. as may do a case study of some kind possibly. While re-reading came across some quotes that I just thought were fab:

'During this period [his early years and first pastorate] he also learned to preach - not only to speak but to become an actor for his people and to assume the larger roles of prophet, evangelist, and, last of all, suffering agent of redemption.' pg. 6

'A sermon is a cultic performance of a biblical text among people who identify themselves as Christians.' pg. 8

'Perhaps King's greatest spiritual gift was faithfulness to his vocation to preach the Word of God in all circumstances, including personal danger and declining popularity ... King never produced a social blueprint for America, but, because he was a preacher, he never quit trying to shape a "congregation" of people that would be capable of redeeming the moral and political character of the nation.' pg. 12

The Preacher King: Martin Luther King Jr. And The Word That Moved America
Richard Lischer (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1995).

Who am I really?

2009-07-12T22:37:00.002Z

Was away at camp all last week (brilliant!) and so have spent tonight filling out forms that should have been in last week. Among them are personality-typing tests. As I'm filling them out wondering what it is I'm actually saying about myself, I'm finding that I'm consistently inconsistent, or so it appears. Is that good? Is that 'normal'? I don't know!

A tired wee Mo ...

2009-05-26T21:21:00.003Z

Realised today that I am more tired than I thought. Yes, physically tired, but more than that, am mentally, emotionally and if I'm really honest slightly spiritually tired too. This year has been a long one, but I think for the last few weeks I have been running on adreneline really, certainly emotionally and physically. Now though, I'm just tired and in need of rest. Real rest, not just a 'day off' kind of rest. Soul quenshing, empowering, envisioning, peace-filled, grace-filled rest.

Was preaching on Sunday. Used Psalm 91. Though we went in a few directions, some of the points involved knowing how to use your tools and their power (declaring), knowing who to team up with (God ... obviously) and knowing who to listen to (again ... God ... duh!).

What I found so interesting was that the first part of the Psalm involves declaring and there is real power in that. As someone who get the power of words thing, who tries to get the 'what happens in the heavenlies and in the unseen realm' thing, this was great. But what struck me, was that in the end God declared who God was and what God would do. The first word was human and the last words were God's.

So I am tired ... I am weary ... but I turn to God who is my refuge and my strength ... and I say come and speak your 'last word' to me ...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
Jesus (according to the NIV, lol)

Flat-sitting fun...

2009-05-15T22:02:00.002Z

Am flat-sitting for a couple of my close friends at the moment. As much as I love my family, I am so loving and appreciating the time out on my own!!! Plus the flat is absolutely gorgeous (like show-home but lived-in in style), so thats an extra bonus - feels a bit like having a mini-holiday.

Has got me thinking though. Wonder where I will be living in a year, well in just over a year. In just over a year I finish college. Applying for ministerial accreditation at the moment, which means if the BoM confirm the sense of call to ministry that I (and others) do, then come the new year the next step will be looking to 'settle' somewhere.

Settle ...
Somewhere ...
Mmmm ...
Wonder where that will be ...

Will it be in Scotland???
In the north???
Central belt???
East coast???
West coast???
Small church???
Big church???
Where will I be living???
Mmmm ...
Somewhere ...

As I finish my last assignment (ok, lets be more honest, begin putting my 'notes' into some form of essay) of the year I enter my last summer as a student ... as one somewhat 'unsettled.' Have begun to talk more of leaving and now things at church have to be planned in an awareness that this is the last year I'm around and things including me have to be done with that in mind. It's not that I'm desperate to leave, far from it - EMBC is my home, EK is where God called me to when I came back from England - but talking about begins the work of preparing my heart and mind, as well as the others around me.

Suddenly the 'what will I be when I grow up' is becoming so much more real and so much more a question of 'who am I becoming as I grow up'. I know God has somewhere for me ... I just don't know where. I know that the plans God has has for me are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future ... I just don't quite know what they are or what they will look like. I'm thinking about it all so much more now, and as I flat-sit (such a small thing) I realise I am ready ... or at least am being got ready ... for moving out, growing up and maybe even becoming an adult. Who knows where and doing exactly who knows what - but in a years time or so maybe God will have made that clearer ... and I am excited to be on the journey!

Book signing fun...

2009-05-07T21:48:00.003Z

Yup, today I officially became someone's fan. One of my favourite authors, Jodi Picoult, was doing a book signing in EK. So, for the first time ever I stood in a line for what felt like forever just to get those two seconds with her so she could sign my copy of her new book Handle With Care. When I got there I even sounded like a total fan too, gushing about how much I enjoy reading her books. I know she hears that kind of stuff all the time, and despite telling myself I would not sound like that total book geek fan ... it just poured out my mouth.

Was it worth it? Totally!!!

Off to start it now. Hope its as good as all her other books I've read...

Normal blogging will resume shortly...

2009-04-23T11:24:00.003Z

Handed in my spiritual development journal this week. Despite only doing two modules this semester still feels like college can be a little crazy sometimes. But now that the journal is in normal blogging will be resuming shortly.

Now for some motivation to go write another essay - perhaps Starbucks might provide it, lol!

2009-04-09T09:20:00.004Z

Having been encouraged to put lyrics together with paintings to enhance worship in one of my classes, this was the image that came into my mind as we worshipped on Sunday night using this beautiful Stuart Townsend song.

How deep the Father’s love for us,
how vast beyond all measure
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away
as wounds which mar the Chosen One
bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon the cross,
my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything:
no gifts, no pow’r, no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ:
His death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart:
His wounds have paid my ransom.

Reflections on preaching experiment ...

2009-04-02T14:29:00.002Z

So in my last post I explained a little about my experiment in preaching ... the round-table stuff. Well, Sunday morning I preached what I believed God had given me to share as a result of that and my own study and prayer ...

... had not been too well over the weekend, and so awoke with a fuzzy head, but not sneezing as much etc. In fact by the time I got to church was feeling well improved and while preaching there was no fuzziness at all ... God is good!

Aside from that though have spent the past few days reflecting on the process and what happened in the event of preaching itself. Was using the sermon to bring an end to the Walk Across the Room stuff we had been doing, aware that all the church had had themed sermons over the past four weeks even if they had not partipated in groups. In order to do this I used a recouring theme of defining moments, sharing some of my faith story in about a minute (or two!) like we had been looking at in previous weeks, as well as using that to springboard into defining moments for the first disciples. Rather than walk through the whole sermon just now, you can listen to it from EMBC's website http://www.eastmainsbc.co.uk/sermonsmarch2009.html

One of my most frustrating moments as a preacher is at the end of the service when people leave ... especially in EMBC. I say that not because I don't like the people, or because I don't enjoy that time ... I do ... but it frustrates me beyond belief because what I hear time and time again is "well done, you did good this morning." Now I know that these well-meaning folks are trying to encourage me, especially since for many of them they have known me since I was a wee baby. However, when I hear that I want to shake them and tell them "Don't tell me well done, tell me about how God met with you this morning." That's what I want to hear, not well done!!!

So Sunday morning as I stood at the door I got some of those usual "well done's" and I restrained the urge to shake them ... but then the most frustrating time became one of the most encouraging. People began to engage with me ... people began to tell me how God had met with them ... and as I moved into the Village Centre Hall it continued even more.

Now, on one hand there seemed to be no real reason for it ... yet I've been wondering if perhaps there is. Perhaps some of it can be explained by who spoke to me ... people who hadn't known me since I was a baby. Hmmmm. Perhaps thats helpful ... they've known me for years some of them, but still I have never been little Morag to them. Therefore perhaps engaging with me was easier ... perhaps they are just more use to hearing me now and I'm now save to engage in conversation of that sort.

However, on my mind has also been the fact that perhaps it is because the sermon emerged out of conversation with other folks in the congregation. The wee small group that I held that round-table with had wrestled with the text and though we had some similar insights, there were also things they saw I didn't or that they felt were important but I perhaps wouldn't have concentrated on. The sermon when being prepared was faithful to what I felt God was saying, but also to the conversation we had had ... and in that sense the sermon for the congregation, the word for them that day, emerged not solely from the pastor but from the congregation itself. When I stepped out as part of the congregation to bring the word I stepped out not only as part of the congregation but with the word of the congregation in some way that I have not done before. Perhaps that was the key to unlocking other people engaging with me in conversation ... that is where I'm leaning more. And one of the most brilliant moments was when one of the group said that not only had they felt I had stayed true to the conversation, though they knew what I was preaching on, they met with God and heard things in new ways.

This new way of preaching is something I want to engage in more and I'm really interested to see how on a slightly more regular basis this might help shape not only the preaching but the engagement the congregation have with the text and how it is lived out. I'm not sure quite how I can put this into practice yet, as I don't preach that often, and I sense that I would have to do it at EMBC at the moment where I know the people and the people know me, but it is definately something I wish to persue at some point in some way. One week was good, but for it to really be round-table collaborative preaching, it does need to be more than a one-off. Excitingly I even have other people interested in being part of the process when I do it again, a great encouragement that there is an interest and opening for this type of preaching.

Apart from the different style and process of preaching, I also changed how I looked when preaching. As one of my pastors pointed out recently, I'm not really a girlie girl, and out of sheer stuborness not to be boxed and labeled I decided to preach on Sunday in a skirt for the first time. As it is such an unusual occurance for me to wear a skirt, people tend to comment, and so I wore a skirt the Sunday before in order for people to get the comments out the way and to prepare them for me wearing a skirt. Interestingly it worked, no-one commented apart from my gran and a friend. I had thought it wouldn't be that different but it was.

On a practical level I had to wear the shoes I planned on wearing as I was going over the sermon on the Saturday because they were diferent to the boots I normally wear and I found myself standing differently and walking differently. When I preach I move about a fair bit and use my hands all the time. On Sunday morning I still used my hands all the time, but I didn't move around as much. Hmmmm. I hadn't expected it to change my delivery at all, but actually I found it did. I found that I didn't speak with the same 'authority' as usual, and at a couple of points in my mind had to remind myself that I had authority to preach this word that I believed God had laid on my heart. I'm using the word authority here, but its not quite conveying what I mean, yet is the best word I can come up with, so I pray you are getting what I mean. Now some might say that was a totally imagined thing. But as it was something that hadn't crossed my mind before I don't think it was. Something about wearing a skirt changed things for me in ways I wasn't expecting and had to react quickly too with the Spirit's help. Overall the experience of preaching in a skirt was good and is something I'll do again, but with an awareness of the above so that I might deal with it beforehand next time around.

Looking forward to the next time I am preaching at EMBC to see what happens as I repeat the experiment ... and I wonder what would happen if I used a 'harder' text ... hmmm.

Experiment in preaching ...

2009-03-28T17:27:00.002Z

Being at college is good for me - though sometimes at one in the morning while working on a paper I might not think so. My thinking, my feelings, my theology, my understanding ... all of this and more is constantly called into question and given room to grow.

And so grow in preaching I am trying. Took a Creative Homiletics class last semester (another way of saying creative preaching) and through it explored many new, inovative and contemporary forms and styles of preaching. It was one of my favourite classes so far, totally engaging.

Trouble is though that perhaps as a full-time pastor in a church the time required to try some of these new styles and techniques is slightly lacking. Talking to my pastors, while there are some things they would love to try ... just finding the hours to prepare a sermon in their normal style or way can be difficult enough.

That's one of the reasons I love being at college. Who but a student might have time to try something different, knowing that if it goes horrendously wrong, then there is still a pastor above you to mop up the mess (and take the blame!). So when one of the pastors asked me a couple of weeks back to preach this coming Sunday morning to help them out I jumped at the chance. Not been preaching much recently so any chance I get is a welcome oppertunity ... but as its my home church its also an amazing oppertunity to try something new.

Am trying an adapted version of round-table preaching, or collaborative preaching as it's also sometimes known. Basically the preacher meets with a small group of folks in the congregation who have also wrestled with the passage to be preached and together they discuss it. The preacher (or someone else) takes notes, and out of the discussion the main points to address and tackle in the sermon emerge. Experiences other than merely the preachers are discussed and revealed, all to the benefit of the whole.

Now for a preacher as I discovered this can mean giving up some control, as well as not jumping in with all the exegetical stuff you may know. But it is a worth-while experience, especially if we say that all can not only read but be part of the process of interpreting the scriptures.

And so in an adapted form I have gathered a small group together that have been wrestling with Matthew 5:1-16. I told them it would be an easy passage to begin with, but as we discovered it may not be as easy the first glance tells us ... after all who fancies being persecuted. But in our wrestling and discussing we met with each other and God and came away feeling encouraged and energised. We met in Starbucks, in the middle of the town centre, sitting in nice comfortable seats by the window in the middle of a bustling cafe and shopping mall, with open bibles, open hearts and at times open mouths. And in the midst of it all I got a real sense of the presence of Jesus right there with us, as if He were sitting there not only listening to us, but watching the people passing by.

Tomorrow the sermon that is a result of it will be preached and I really believe that God has things to say to us at EMBC through the passage we'll be looking at. As I sat back in Starbucks on Thursday preparing though I was struck by another thought. The sermon is for Christians primarily, and there is nothing wrong with that. The purpose and function of it is to encourage them, and again there is nothing wrong with that. But as I sat and typed away, again in a comfortable seat, again in the window, again stopping to watch the people passing by, I wondered what kind of different sermon I would be writing if those that I had engaged in conversation with had not been Christian. And I wondered what God would want to speak to the people that were in the cafe where I was preparing. As I wondered that I was filled by an intense love (only word to describe it) and desire to tell them this is how God feels about them, and that he longs to have a relationship with them where they know Him as He knows them.

Tomorrow the folks at EMBC will hear (I pray and sense) God remind them that they are (not might be or if they do this will be) salt and light. If we lived in that identity I wonder how many more people in Starbucks would know there is a God in Heaven who loves them and died for them ... I wonder if I really lived in that identity how many more people would know. And that thought re-challenges me as we end the Just Walk Across the Room teaching.

It was a good and helpful experiment for me ... watch this space to see how Sunday goes ...

Psalm 51 and Good News ...

2009-03-18T19:44:00.003Z

So today in one of our classes we were exploring self-examination. To do this one of the things we had been asked to do this week was a particular exercise on Psalm 51. As we were sharing on of the folks shared that the way they found most helpful to do this kinda thing was to prepare a sermon. I've recommended his blog before now, but this is the link to the his reflection / sermon on Psalm 51 that he preached recently http://scottishjewishbaptist.blogspot.com/2009/03/not-quite-sermon-on-mount.html

For me today this was Good News. This was grace and passion and forgiveness and the chance to once again come before God aware of who God is and who I am, while at the same time knowing that part of who I am is now a new creation because of what Christ has done.

Thank you for the Good News! I wasn't in a bad place, but it did move me immensly.

As for what I was sharing last week ... hmmm God has been giving me some more insight regarding my reaction to the preaching worshop and my insecurities over this past week. Not fully 'fighting fit' again, not got it all straightened out quite yet, still working through some stuff ... but as I realised once again last night when thinking about how to share 'my story' at our Just Walk Across The Room, I am so different from who I was when I was 19, from when I was 21, even from who I was last year ... and that's a good thing. Even being able to spot signs and question what is going on is good. I'm a work in progress ... but there is progress ...

Last night someone was commenting about where myself and another friend thought we might be if we weren't Christians. Their point was to encourage us I think, but it lead to perhaps not the most helpful or useful talk. One thing was clear for both of us ... can't imagine trying to live life without Jesus ... so glad I'm not. That is what makes all the difference in the world for me ... that is what is transforming me!

... and its round the mountain I go again ...

2009-03-16T19:27:00.003Z

Frustrated ... annoyed ... disempowered ... used ...

Yup, am off for another trip around the mountain as God continues to teach me lessons I need to learn ... lessons I thought I was beginning to get a handle on ... but turns out am not. Hmmm, here we go again, maybe this time I'll actually remember them as we go ...

The horror of relaxing the belly ...

2009-03-11T21:24:00.004Z

Today's been one of those funny days filled with a strange mix of things ... one of which was attending a preaching workshop this afternoon held over at Glasgow Uni.

The workshop was part of a lecture series entitled 'Preaching Jonah' which involved 'playing' about in a variety of ways using the biblical text of the Jonah narrative. The person leading it has taken different acting classes, so many of the techniques he was showing us today actors use before going on stage and we as preachers can use before preaching. The first thing was about becoming aware and relaxing different parts of the body ... breathing ... belly ... jaw ...

... belly???

Yes, you read right, belly. Apparently by "just relaxing it and letting it hang out" (what was it he said, oh yeah, "everyone has a pot-belly unless your 14, so relax") we enhance out lung capacity. Hmmm, didn't know that. Has something to do with it being relaxed rather than tense. Yet for me this raised a whole different set of issues ...

My mind automatically screamed "NO" at him!!! It didn't take me more than two seconds to realise where that response was coming from. As someone who has suffered from 'eating issues' related around control, self-esteem, and self-image telling me to "just let it hang out" is one of the worst things you can say to me!!! The whole time we spent focusing on that made me intensely uncomfortable, distracted and ill-feeling. It became such a hard excercise and took much self-control to attempt to engage with it. At the same time my mind was screaming at me "where is all this coming from? I'm meant to be ok with all this stuff now!"

While I may not suffer from the issues in the same way that I used to by any manner of means (evidenced most easily now by the fact I will eat in front of people now - though I still dislike people watching me eat - as well as my steadying weight and stomach development), I realised today that I am still as self-concious about my body. If I'm really honest its not that I didn't know that before today, more that unless your doing something obvious like we were its really easy to hide the self-conciousness from others and from self. Suddenly I was totally shoved out my comfort zone ... the safety of all the normal things I can do to hide my fears, insecurities, nagging and persistant thoughts ... I was watching people to see if they were looking at me, which most of the time they weren't in reality ... and then if I did catch someones eye there was a split second where I imagined what negative comment would be going round their head ... and then I was mad at myself for that process taking place at all.

As I write it I know it sounds utterly ridiculous, but it was honestly what was going around in my head. I realised I still live in such a way that my natural position is to pull in my stomach, only not doing that at times if sitting forward and totally unaware of it. I realised that I had to face up to the fact I had been trying to deny ... that recently those old tendancies and thoughts have begun to plague me again.

It's not that I'm going to revert back to my old ways of not really eating for days or anything like that ... those thoughts are slightly easier to take captive of when they come into my mind ... I do not want to go through that again, nor get to a stage where it would be worse than it was before people stepped in to help ... but perhaps my self-image and self-esteem issues are not as resolved as I liked to believe. And I know that if I do not deal with them, then in reality the 'not eating thing' thoughts becomes much harder to dismiss and easier to entertain.

Mmmmm, has left me with some thoughts to ponder tonight and some praying to do. Funny how little things spark off bigger things isn't it. The man leading the workshop thought he was asking us to let our belly's relax in order to increase our lung capacity ... for me he was asking something that helped me realise that the thoughts I have been having recently need addressed, as my immediate negative response conveyed. Mmmmmm

Morning prayers ...

2009-03-11T20:08:00.002Z

Prayers this morning at college was a stunning theological reflection based around Jade Goody and all that she is facing at the moment. Was led by our college principle and for those of you who may be interested you can read and engage with it on his blog, the link for which is http://www.livingwittily.typepad.com

Reason for the lack of blogging ...

2009-03-09T20:58:00.001Z

Have been blogging a lot less recently (though as some tell me I'm not always that regular a blogger at the best of times). Thought I'd give some quick explination. No I have not stopped pondering things. No I have not stopped writing. Yes, I am a student.

One of my classes this semester is Spiritual Development, and one of the assessments for the class is to keep a spiritual journal for six weeks. Now on week three, and some of what is in there is the king of things I would usually write here. As such I thought it best not to include them here at the moment. That and the other stuff thats in the journal taking up quite a bit of my spare time to write and keep together, so appologies for the lack of consistent blethering. Normal writing will resume soon!

Last night's baptisms...

2009-03-02T21:28:00.002Z

Well, Sunday night saw seven people getting baptised in EMBC. Was an amazing night - trying to fit everyone in you could literally feel the excitment rising.

Couple of my friends were among those getting baptised. As they shared their testimony I was struck by one of those 'wow' moments. For example, one of them has been a Christian for a year and a week now. She wasn't a particularly bad person before or anything, but to see the change in her in the last year has been utterly amazing. God is doing so much in her and you just look at her and see potential for the so much more that God has still yet in store. Anyway, my 'wow' moment was that kind where you hear what's going on, when you hear people's stories, and you just have no words other than 'wow'.

Wow, only you God could have made such a difference in the lives of these people. Wow God, only you could have drawn us all together tonight to celebrate. Wow God, only you would take a 'dunking' and make it hugely significant ... allowing for a physical demonstration of the new reality that has taken place on the inside. Wow God, how awesome are you!

Recently there have been a few moments when, for different reasons and in different ways, it has felt like I was in the middle of a holy moment. When all my senses came alive with a very real awareness of God's presence. Last night was one of those moments. And all I can say is 'WOW!!!'

Lent begins and so in a sense does my detox ...

2009-02-24T23:56:00.002Z

So lent begins tomorrow / today ...so what am I giving up I hear you ask? Well, coffee and chocolate (which made my friend tonight by telling me he'd be coming nowhere near me for six weeks!). Why? Well, for me coffee (and to a slightly lesser extent chocolate) are addictions for me, and I mean that quite literally as my body lets me know when I do not have it. Had been sensing God saying that that was what I needed to give up because it would cost me something, and after some resistance (me giving up coffee is not a pretty sight for a while, be warned, prayer needed) I've surrendered. So for the next six weeks (40 days) coffee and chocolate will not be consumed in any way, shape or form. The money that is saved on this will be donated to a charity at the end of the time - it won't be much, but God can turn the not much into something.

However, while giving something up is important, I remember a practice that the folks at YFC used to build into what we did at Mid-Year Retreat which always took in the beginning of Lent. The practice was not only to give something up that would cost you something (that is in part the reason we give things up at this time) but also then to take something up for the same period. So the thing that I am taking up (other than by natural consequence taking up or rather in a detox) is meditation. Unpacking that some, I realised during my placement how much I squeeze out time meditating on the Word, savouring it and digesting it, rather than merely reading for information, sermon points, or in the time left over after other things have been done. Yet the Word is something that really does need to be reflected on and savoured if I am going to live it out and let it clothe me.

Therefore, for the same period that I have no coffee I will have more meditation. Time that would be given over to coffee and my 'sanity' time will now be able to be devoted to creating time and space for meditation such as lectio divina or centering prayer and other forms if 'spiritual reading' of Scripture. Time and a new rhythmn will hopefully be developed, something that in six weeks should help form new habits for me, something I could certainly use. And in those same six weeks perhaps an addictive habit will be broken.

So please bear with me in love if for the next few days my moods are all over the place ... I am aware that may be the case and am praying it will not. Please keep me accountable as I try to build new habits and make meditation something that receives not just the time left over, but some of my best time. And please get excited with me as God speaks new (and perhaps reminds me of old) challenges, encouragements and all kinds of other things into my life and perhaps even the lives of others.

Next steps and holy friendships ...

2009-02-22T15:54:00.003Z

Well, have been back from my placement a week ... and what a busy week it's been! Started back college, celebrated birthdays, met with friends for dinner, met with other friends for coffee, went back to work at the cafe, had first Sunday back at East Mains ...

I loved my placement. The churches I was with were fab and I learned so much when I was there. Having a female minister and supervisor made such a difference too - can't begin to say what a blessing that was!

One things I've realised in the time away, and through various conversations, is the importance of holy friendships. By that I mean the kind of friendships that shape you. There are various types of friendships, people that you're close to on a variety of levels, all of whom are needed. But then there are those friendships, often extremely intentional, that you simply can't live without. These are the people you share with the most openly and honestly, the ones who challenge and encourage you, the ones you share joys and sorrows with. Some of these will be the kinds where you share 'ministry' or debate and discuss 'theological tuff' with, yet equally some you won't. And one of the things every woman in ministry I spoke to shared was how much they needed those networks of other women they had developed - the holy friendships they had found in each other. In truth, while networks of women are needed like that, getting together with men that you have that kind of friendship with too is also equally as important. Holy friendships are the kinid in which together you shape each other, seeking the best for the other and together journeying to be and do all God calls you too, as you conform more fully to God's image.

None of this may make sense to people, but it makes sense to me. The time away was good for me to re-evaluate friendships and re-remember those friends that I have that kind of friendship with (you all know who you are!). It has also reminded me of my need for them, and without being big headed or anything, their need for me, for friendship is a two-way thing. I think what I realised is that all the stuff that I do may be good stuff, but if I'm not also intentionally taking time to cultivate and maintain those holy friendships then actually my growth is stunted. So that's one of the things that will form my next moves as I come back from placement - making sure my holy friends know how much I value them, and intentionally cultivating time to spent deepening relationships with them.

Blog recommendation ...

2009-02-07T16:01:00.003Z

I know many of you read this blog just to see what I'm up to rather than comment on my thoughts. But for those of you who may be interested one of the other students at SBC has begun to bog too. Ron has insightful comments and theological musings that you may be interested in. Check out his blog, Musings of a Scottish Jewish Baptist, at this address:
http://scottishjewishbaptist.blogspot.com/

Snow days ...

2009-02-07T15:51:00.002Z

Stevenage, like most of the country has suffered from heavy snow fall this week. While at home I am told life has carried on as normal, here it appears things grind to a halt pretty much when the snow comes. Schools have been closed, some shops haven't opened, some people are unable to get to work, and some of the groups I'm working with have been cancelled.

However, as a result people have been around to enjoy and make the most of the snow days. After getting over being ill at the begining of the week, I too managed to enjoy the snow. I adore snow, its like I become this big kid dancing and getting all excited. Anyways, has much fun sledging (and falling over trying to get back up the hill!), having snow ball fights, and walking. May even add pictures if I can get them on my laptop at some point.

Who said placement wasn't all fun!!!

Young people and passion ...

2009-02-04T17:08:00.002Z

One of the (many) books I'm reading at the moment is Practicing Passion: Youth and the quest for a passionate church by Kenda Creasy Dean. Challenging read and I'm only a few chapters in.

In seeking to develop a theology that takes seriously the Passion of Christ and how that is to be embodied in the Church, drawing young people into it, she asks some brutal questions of the way things are. While at times it is nice to hide behind the fact that she is American and writes about American churches, it is a hiding that leads to further passion-less-ness (is that even a word!).

The key is not just reading Scripture and reading youth and culture, but developing a new or rather re-newed theology. After all, 'Theology that takes passion seriously offers a "portal" between Christianity and young people, a crucial link between the lived experience of adolescents and the historic practices of the Christian community.' (pg. 25)

Young people are passionate. Rather than discourage that or label them rebellious, problematic or whatever other title, Dean suggests that actually its a time where because they are so passionate they are most open to God and to joining in God's story. Yet if they do not see it lived out in us as youth pastors, youth workers ... or in reality any of us who claim the title Christian ... then they see that it is a passion not worth dying for, and therefore not worth living for.

Reflecting some on this it makes sense as to why so many young people responded at the youth worship event on Friday night, despite the oppertunity to respond in that manner being new for so many of them. What God had laid on my heart to speak to them appealed to their passion, precisely because God's call to radical discipleship appeals to passion, and points to the Passion of the One we seek to follow. It spoke of something, or rather Someone, beyond themselves. It spoke to their passion to make a difference. Of course they responded! In part what happens after depends on how we continue to allow them to excercise their passion, not discounting the work of the Holy Spirit in them. In part what happens after depends on what we do too. 'The theological challenge youth pose to the church is blunt: Are we who we say we are? Do we practice passion, transformed by a Love who never disappoints, and live by a faith so convincing that we stake our lives on it? Or are we just another sagging social convention, like Dracula, that needs young blood to survive?' (pg. 25)

How different would youth ministry be if we took that challenge a little more seriously? In all honesty, does it even enter our heads?

I end with the words of Dean again (pg. 25):

What of the passion of God makes a difference, not just for the way we approach Christian doctrine, but for the way we go about Christian ministry itself? What of mainline Protestantism's disappointing track record with young people (in and beyond the church) has not been primarily a failure of models, educational strategies, historical cycles, or institutional support, but a failure of theology? Is it possible that the "problem" facing youth ministry reflects all too accurately a malaise infecting mainline denominations generally: a flabby theological identity due to an absence of passion? That would be ironic. Most young people come to us brimming with passion. Could it be that, instead of fanning this youthful zeal into holy fire, we have more often doused it, or drowned it in committee meetings?

Hmmm, have we? Just how passionate are we?

Quote of the day ...

2009-01-29T00:09:00.003Z

Over time, profound synergies develop between vital congregations and excellent pastors in which congregations, pastors, and wider communities flourish in vital ways. Excellent pastors are gifted at calling laity to vital discipleship and helping them live their vocations faithfully in the world, in educating their congregations through theological leadership in worship and teaching, and in shaping a vision for a way of life that reaches beyond the walls of the church. Strong congregations cultivate a life together that inspires and requires gifted pastoral leadership, taking risks and posing questions that raise the standards for what is possible and needed for the life of the community.

Resurrecting Excellence: Shaping faithful Christian ministry
L. Gregory Jones and Kevin R. Armstrong (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2006), 22

Oh, that I would be such an excellent youth pastor!

The art of holding people ...

2009-01-29T00:01:00.004Z

Had pastoral ministry described to me recently as holding people. As a pastor you're job is to hold people both inside, and when called upon outside too, your congregation. You hold them in the presence of God as well as holding them as you lead them to God.

While this image requires some further reflection, as an image of what pastoral care is and does I really like it. After all, it never begins or ends with us, but with the One to whom we entrust those we hold, for they are really His, and actually at times it is He who entrusts them to us.

Hmmm, just an image and thought to ponder ...

Prayer for my preaching needed ...

2009-01-28T23:37:00.003Z

Ok, I know it's late ... I still have other stuff I wanna do before bed as well, so is really gonna be a late one. However, have access to internet just now and so am using it to my full advantage, lol.

Firstly - CONGRATULATIONS to those baptised in EMBC on Sunday night. I hear from many people that it was an amazing night and God's presence could be strongly, tangibly felt, woo hoo!!! I'm praying for you all as you continue in your journey with Jesus and I can't wait to see the video of it when I come back.

Have just come back from another form of leadership meeting tonight. Am observing so much here, but what I sense most of all is that this is a church that at its heart passionately loves God, loves people and is seeking to live the Jesus, Kingdom, way of life. As a student who is getting to see all this and is able to comment on things that they either don't see themselves or think is just how every church does things it's great to be able to encourage them. What goes on here is what L. Gregory Jones and Kevin R. Amstrong call excellence in ministry - not perfect, but beautiful none-the-less. They say in Resurrecting Excellence: Shaping faithful Christian ministry that 'beautiful ministry both calls forth and demands the very best we can provide; it calls for excellence in all that we are and do.' (p.g. 20) That is what I see here, and it inspires me.

However, on a different note am suffering from every preacher's worst nightmare ... preacher's block. Am preaching twice this weekend. Once at a new youth worship event that's been set up (Friday night) and once on Sunday morning at the church plant (well, its really a church in its own right - just without a constitution). I have absolutely blinding passages from the Sermon on the Mount, so really its a preacher's dream.

At the youth event have the beattitudes as my theme and through that will be calling the young people to radical discipleship with an oppertunity for them to respond to that as well as an oppertunity for young people to become Christians if that's where they're at. Have sensed what I feel God wants to say, and have a first draft, but am totally unhappy and unsettled with it. Not sure how it needs to change, but it does ... and fast! I think the difficulty is finding some of the points of connection, because it really is a wide-ranging congregation that it's for. But thinking as I write, its more than that. It's putting it together in such a way that it doesn't become a rant or an exegetical sermon that misses the excitment of following Jesus in the risky way that He calls us to. Ahhh, in my head I know what it should sound like, but on paper its not there yet. That's tomorrow's job and prayer is much appreciated for it!!!

Sunday morning is more than half way there, and is from the passages in Matt (4:18-22; 5:13-16) where Jesus calls the first disciples and then calls them to be salt and light. Am going to be looking at what it meant to be called as a disciple of Jesus (Rob Bell's Nooma dvd - Dust really helped solidify what commentators also point out but what we often miss), and then the fact that Jesus called the disciples salt and light before they had ever done anything. He spoke and called out of them the potential that God had placed in them, He believed in them. Those will be the kind of ideas we'll look at, seeking to encourage the congregation so they know who they are and both the command and promises included in these passages.

Am really excited to be preaching again ... feels like its been ages. I love it! Literally love it! It's such a priviledge and joy - especially when it's words like I feel God has laid on my heart for this weekend. But what we realised today is that I'm going to have to be extra aware of my accent. Most of the time people can understand me ok, but sometimes they really can't. Plus the speed I talk at doesn't help ... made worse by the fact I speed up when using any other form of microphone other than tie one (which is what I'll be using on Friday). Am extra conscious of these things here and really pray that nothing of me, whether accent or speed or anything else, gets in the way of what God wants to speak into people's lives. Watch this space for an update of how it goes...

Two weeks in...

2009-01-24T12:11:00.003Z

Am now two weeks into my placement in Stevenage and loving it!

Here's just some of the things I have attended in some way, shape or form:

Weekly girl's small group
Weekly youth club callled Lounge
Sunday mornings spent with GACC
Sunday evening's spent at Revive
Twinkler's tot's group
Church member's meetings
Elder's and Deacon's meeting
Meeting with Senior Pastor about leadership, church planting and creative homiletics
Meetings with the Youth Pastor about youth work and all kinds of other stuff
Meetings with the Associate Pastor about church planting, leadership, her journey into ministry and the whole 'woman thing' (so grateful to her for that!)
Social action in the Great Ashby community
Weekly staff meeting
Reading / reflecting / writing
Discussions on what makes a Baptist baptist, principles and what we can pick up or drop
Loads of social stuff (ok, so thats not strictly placement time!)
Which has all meant lots of talking, praying, coffee drinking and eating ... I am one happy girl!!!

Am enjoying being here and have received such a warm welcome. Having time to read and reflect has been slightly unusual as normally that is done as and when there is time - am so grateful though to have that time here. Being able to share with people not only passionate about women being in ministry, but who are also women(!) is a great source of encouragement for me. Often it can feel as if there are no role models and you're walking the journey alone in some respects. Here I am beginning to see that is not so much the case, though perhaps as suggested some constructive anger about the state of things is needed.

Have read through an old Whitley Lecture this week S lent me, all about the history of women in Baptist ministry in the England (though there are some references to Scotland) and what it means to talk of 'women and ministry' today. All of this is really helpful in feeding into my continuing journey, as well as shaping my theology. So off I go now to do some more reading, reflecting ... oh and of course no coffee drinking!!!

Packing frenzy ...

2009-01-09T21:42:00.005Z

Leave for my placement tomorrow morning. Have finally finished packing ... I think ...

Have had everything in the case ... then out the case ... then in the case ... then out the case ... then back in the case ...

I can be a nightmare when I'm getting ready to go away. Part of the trouble is that I like to be hyper-organised and prepared. That means that I start gathering stuff together days before I need to. Though it also means that I think I might need everything ... and the kitchen sink!

How do you decide though? What has value? How many books will I need? Can I survive without a complete make-up kit? Do I really need that top ... or that many?

You'd think I was packing to go away for months ... it's only five weeks!!!

Am excited but nervous! Think it will be great placement. I get to work with a female Baptist pastor (yahey!) who oversees a church plant. I get to work with some new young people. I get to stay with someone I don't know yet but that will hopefully be a friend soon. I get to hang out with an old friend some and re-get to know each other. I get to do a bit of small group stuff, a bit of preaching and leading worship, be at a lot of leadership meetings, and maybe even a bit of school CU-ing. I really sense this will be a placement I get a lot out of.

But as much as I get out of it, I also pray that I am a blessing in some way to the church while I'm there. They've been so great in allowing me to come join them for five weeks and get an insight into their lives. I hope that I can give back to them as much as I know they'll give to me.

Oh, have just remembered I forgot to pack the staple Gathering to Worship ... better try find some space while I remember ... oh, and there's my phone charger ... maybe I'm not as packed as I thought ...

Lord, wake us up ...

2009-01-06T22:59:00.004Z

Finished my essay today exploring the strengths and weaknesses of ethical preaching as an approach to contemporary homiletics. Instead of being encouraged I actually felt discouraged. Why?

Well, have been having some interesting conversations recently with preachers and those training in preaching and theology. Mention the idea of principalities and powers to them, preaching as an ethic in itself, nonviolent resistance, or anything similar and they just stare at you blankly, think you're strange (though they may be right!), or just keep coming back to preaching on ethical issues. Even when you begin to explain people in general just seem so uninterested. Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Have begun reading Walter Wink's trilogy on the powers (thanks to the kindness of someone open-handed with their books and borrowing time-limit!) and as he argues both rightly and persuasively in the first book the language of the powers pervades the New Testament. Put Wink's book aside and just take a flick through a Bible and even in english that much becomes obvious. Wink's extensive study of the original language is concretising that even further and opening up passages I had never seen before.

Why, if we claim to 'preach the Word', and be 'Bible-believing Christians' do we fail to take this seriously or make any attenpt to engage? It seems absurd!

My recent reading of this term has opened up my mind and my theological reflections to begin to realise the need to engage more in the ethics of nonviolent resistance. This has lead to a re-shaping of how I view the practice of preaching, the nature of prophesy, the role of the church ... a whole load of things. My pastor warned me that going to college would mess with my mind, my theology and my life ... he was right ... but in a good way ... maybe.

While I have been re-shaping, re-thinking and re-imagining I have also realised how isolating it can be. As I discuss and reflect there appears to only be a few people who 'get it' are willing to engage ... or have even heard of certain authors etc. It's not that I think my thoughts are above or better than anyone else's, I guess I just expected not to be one of the only ones I know thinking these thoughts in this way.

Perhaps I am just strange. Or perhaps I am experiencing what I have one in several courses - that intense frustration that you just have to work through until you get to the otherside and can live in patience and hope again. Or perhaps borrowing the words of William Stringfellow more needs to be done in terms of 'raising the dead in mind and conscience.'

Why do we not take more seriously the principalities and powers? Why do we not see that Jesus preaching, and indeed his very life, was about nonviolent resistance in the face of these powers that inaugrated a different vision and way of life? Why do we spend so much time focusing on Jesus death that we forget His life was filled with meaning too? Perhaps it is because we are still held captive, or at least live in complicity, to the powers rather than in the resurrected Word that spoke redemption and life? Lord, wake us up!!!

Another Campbell quote ...

2009-01-04T17:03:00.004Z

Ethical preaching, which seeks to renew the church's vision of the world, flows out of the proclamation of Jesus and is inseparable from it. Like the ripples that emerge from a stone thrown in a pond, ethical preaching moves from the new reality inaugurated in Jesus Christ to the new vision of the people of God. From this central proclamation of Jesus, preachers move out into the work of attending to the world and helping people see the world in new ways.

(Page 104)

Campbell's thoughts on worship as an act of resistance ...

2009-01-03T21:19:00.006Z

Have spent today reading (slowly) more for my Creative Homiletics assignment. Re-read this in Campbell's The Word Before The Powers: An Ethic of Preaching to do with worship and the church as a community of resistance. Perhaps, just perhaps, my concience has been awakened enough from its slumber in the tomb where the stone has been rolled away, for this to affect how I view our church gathered tomorrow.

"In the context of the principalities and powers, Christian worship is fundamentally an act of resistance. As I have noted, what the powers desire most from human beings is our worship; they claim to be the divine regents of the world and to offer us life if we will only serve them... There is no more subversive an act where the powers are concerned than praising the God of Jesus Christ, who has exposed and overcome them...

... By it's very nature, however, Christian worship, even when distorted, involves some level of resistance to the claims of the principalities and powers. In gathering for worship, even contemporary mainline, privileged Christians join this tradition of resistance. Believers not only resist the countless diversions the powers offer up to keep us away from worship on Sunday mornings ... but they also embody their loyalty to the living God, rather than the lesser powers that seek to become idols. While the motives for participating in this practice are varied, and while participating in worship is often routine for many people, preachers can redescribe this practice and remind the church of the life of resistance in which worship implicates them... such redescribed worship becomes the context for nurturing the virtue of hope, which enables the church to resist the powers beyond the liturgy through its life in and for the world."
(Page 142-143)

Bring on the worship of the gathered community tomorrow! What are the words of that song we often sing at EM ... oh yeah ... satan is vanqueshed and Jesus is King. So come let us sing a song, a song declaring we belong to Jesus; He's all we need. Lift up a heart of praise, sing now with voices raised to Jesus; sing to the King.

Today's collect ...

2009-01-02T23:35:00.003Z

Have been using Reflections for Daily Prayers, a wee devotional book, over the advent period. Wanted something different to the usual devotional readings I use, and so this seemed an ideal choice as it takes it's readings for each day from the Common Worship Weekday Lectionary (see http://www.dailyprayer.org.uk/ for more info). The rhythm it takes and forms has been really enhancing for me.

Today's collect is a particularly beautiful prayer:

Almighty God,
who wonderfully created us in your own image
and yet more wonderfully restored us
through your Son Jesus Christ:
grant that, as he came to share in our humanity,
so we may share the life of his divinity;
who is alive and reigns with you,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and forever.

In the words used yesterday:
give us grace faithfully to bear his Name,
to worship him in the freedom of the Spirit,
and to proclaim him as the Saviour of the world.
Amen.

New Year's Eve ceilidh fun ...

2008-12-31T10:28:00.002Z

Finally New Year's Eve has arrived! Aside from Christmas Eve leading into Christmas Day this is my favourite time of the year. A friend and I have been organising (along with a small team of amazing people!) a ceilidh for church. Originally I had been stressing that people wouldn't turn up as ticket sales were slow ... now I'm stressing about how we'll fit everyone in as we ran out of 'tickets' days ago but people keep asking and we can't say no.

It'll be the first ever EMBC Hogmony Ceilidh, and I'm really looking forward to it. Throughout the night I'll be calling the dances, we'll have some party 'turns' and other fun stuff as well as a bring and share style buffet. Later this afternoon some of us are heading to the church to squeeze as many chairs in as we possibly can with as many tables as we can fit ... and to test out the sound system and dance floor, lol!

The really exciting part is that loads of folks from church have said to friends and so they are coming along too. So tonight will be a really good oppertunity to connect with new people, not seeking anything from them other than perhaps a dance. So though we're not sure how we'll fit everyone in ... though I have way too packed a programme ... roll on tonight!!!

New hair for a new me?

2008-12-28T22:25:00.004Z

Until last Tuesday this was my hair ... not always as nice looking (was at a wedding that day), but long and slightly coloured.

That was until my hairdresser chopped it off. Ok, so I asked her to, but still. Was a painful thing, once that first cut was done though there was no going back. Was really insecure about it until one of my best friends came over and gave it her approval - it's amazing how vain I can get.

However, in the past few days quite a few people have commented on it ... the comment going along the lines usually of "new hair for a new year and a new you huh?!" I know they mean no harm ... but do I really need a new me?!?

Anyways, was thinking about what a new hair cut does though. I always feel like I'm changing not only what I look like but in some way who I am. Like I am reinventing myself. And there is loads that I want to change this year. Already have New Year resolutions worked out. Maybe I'm not quite new yet, but hopefully the new hair signals things to come ...

Friends ...

2008-12-27T19:47:00.010Z

At this time of year there is always some sentimental reflection on the year that's passed ... which was done communally on Tuesday after lunch. As we reflected on the year we also reflected on our friendship. What an amazing group 'the girls' (we have some other names too!) are!!! This year has held many changes for us as a group of friends and our friendship has grown. As we were chatting we realised how truely amazing and invaluable our friendship is to one another.

The mark of friendship is not only standing by each other through thick and thin, but being able to be totally (sometimes brutally) honest with each other, knowing it is done in love and for the best. The friends I have are the kind you don't need to worry about calling at 2 in the morning. The kind that ring you up after you have a break-up and come round right away - chocolate, wine, dvd and tissues in hand. The kind that pray for you and send you wee encouraging verses just because they can and you are in their mind. The kind you host parties with, and wanna throw parties for. The kind that speak the truth in love and will tell me if my bum looks big in this, knowing I'll do the same back. The kind of friends that know all your little quirkes as well as secrets ... and are still your friend!

I don't tell them often enough how much I value them, love them and appreciate all they are and all they do. But I do! They inspire me ...

Christmas Eve party ...

2008-12-23T22:41:00.004Z

Yahey, the annual Christmas Party hosted by 'the girls' (and the wonderful husband of one of the girls) is tomorrow night! We went shopping the other day for all the food, drinks and such like - without having first thought through where we would store it all ... thank goodness for the churches basement freezer! Tomorrow food will be cooked, spare chairs will be carted over from church, we'll all dress up ... and Christmas will finally have arrived. It's one of my favourite parts of Christmas. We're the most unlikely group of friends if you take a look at us, but our faith makes it work somehow. As usual we've organised a secret Santa (complete with a visit from Santa) ... only we're so rubbish at not knowing who has who, trying to keep it secret is fun.

I can't wait! It's one of the few times in the year where you definately get us all together - we even all make an effort and dress up for the occassion. For me, somewhere in this mix, this is when Christmas really begins. There is something in the gathering together followed by going to the watchnight service that somehow makes the the meaning of Christmas clear.

Incarnation ... coming to dwell among and with ... somewhere, somehow in our gathering this becomes real for me. It may sound cheesy, but Jesus is present, tangibly, and Christmas comes alive for me. To anyone else that might not make sense, I may not be able to articulate it well, but for me thats what happens.

Who knew so much could come from a simple Christmas Eve party!?!

The 'difficult' people ...

2008-12-22T19:48:00.004Z

Work today was interesting. Many 'difficult' people came through the doors. Firstly there were people like me who wanted things we didn't have, never a good thing first thing on a Monday morning. Then there were many of the people I encountered over the counter - those who were 'difficult' because they were just so rude. The first person was ok, I'd had coffee and devotions and so could cope with them. The second and third ones I gritted my teeth and served them with a smile and pleasent manner. By the fourth and on I had decided (in my stubborn way) that I would be extra smiley, extra cheery, and really be 'difficult' back to them in their current mood!

But then there are the other 'difficult' people. The ones that are marginalised, or perhaps difficult to serve and so a burden, or perhaps just those who are mostly misunderstood. Such was the lady I served this afternoon. She's lovely, but a little excentric, and so is one of those 'difficult' people, and often I'm the one left to serve her - which to me is actually a priviledge. Anyways, she comes in today and orders a cappuccino, which I make for her, taking time to make the chocolate sprinkles into the shape of a Christmas tree (it's great, wish I could make shapes in the coffee all the time!) which made her face light up. Getting her settled at a table the ladt decides she wants a photo of her and the Christmas tree coffee so we need to move to a new table with better light. That's when the accident happens - pot of hot boiling water all over the place - and the lovely lady in a tizzy over her 'stupidity'. That's when everyone looks and stares, not just because of the loud clatter, but because of what the lady said. Moving as quickly but as gently as I can I settle her, trying to reassure her that it won't take a moment for me to clear it up and really she's not stupid or a bother or anything of the sort. It really doesn't take long, but as I do this I hear all the things she calls herself - and my heart breaks. For what she says over herself is pure lies, yet things that she obviously believes. And so as I clear in my mind I'm praying against what she's saying, and speaking the counter to her speech out. In a few moments the mess is cleared up, she settled again and the photo has been captured.

But as I go back to work my devotions of the morning come back to mind - all about the power our words have, especially the words we speak over ourselves. How they have the power to bless and curse. How they affect how we feel and act. And I wondered who there was to correct this lady, to speak words of life over her and not death, so that in time she would be able to do the same over herself.

Not long after I finished, but by that time many people had commented on my patience with the lady. I don't think I was patient. I think I just didn't see her as the 'difficult' person others did. I wasn't patient but rather treated her as a fellow human person who just needed some kindness, warmth and understanding. Someone who could see she was special and had dignity and who wasn't stupid or a nusance. And as I made my way over to her as I left to tell her to have a happy and blessed Christmas, she smiled the largest smile I had seen all day. She wasn't one of those 'difficult' ones after all, not to me. But perhaps she exposed us as the 'difficult' ones, the ones not good at treating the other, those different to us, as actual people the same as we are. I'm glad she came in today, and I'm glad the chocolate Christmas tree made her smile, and I pray she has a Christmas in which she hears what God speaks over her. For God so loved the world (inculding those deemed as 'difficult') that He gave His only Son ...

(Oh and for those wondering ... the coffee pictured is not mine. If only I were that good! Gotten from here instead ... http://www.flickr.com/photos/busman/329561084/ ... but who knows what latte art I'll be creating after I get trained next year, lol!)

Avent Street Ponderings ...

2008-12-18T18:17:00.003Z

Well, after being out on the street on Saturday the cold I had been fighting kicked in and I've spent lots of time this week sniffling, coughing, sleeping and lazing watching movies. Aside from that I've been pondering in my mind what took place on Saturday.

A group of us met together in Buchanan Street, and were led by a wild minister (well, mildly wild!) to several locations to read some of the Scriptures relating to Christ's coming into the world and to take communion together in the street in an act of embodied faith.

One of the locations was Central Station - and much to our surprise we weren't thrown out, though someone did notice the police clock our presence. We read some of the Matthew and Luke accounts and then began discussing how it 'felt' to hear and to read in this place over and against where we usually hear it (i.e. our comfortable churches and houses). "Irrelevant" one person piped up, and many agreed. This provoked much discussion, no least in realising that Jesus came into the world quietly while people went about there business in ignorance, whereas today it just seemed irrelevant and there was a difference.

We were the largest group in the station, until beside us a group of deaf people gathered, and with much gusto stood in a circle and began signing to each other. That was it for me, it had been hard for me to hear the Scripture words before, but now we were discussing while the folks beside us signed they had my complete attention, for their actions conveyed conversation with each other, graceful movement to me, and added somewhat to our developing discussion. What about what we had just done. Was it a sign or a symbol? What difference did the words we spoke make? Did they make any difference, after all they were only spoken to each other, though in the presence of 'the other' who were invited to listen in I guess, but never really did? What made what we did difference to what someone else was doing with small figurines of Mary, Joseph and Jesus - placing them in locations where people could see them or not while their picture was taken.

Though I haven't properly developed any kind of theology around it, nor looked too deep into others, for me something was happening in the heavenlies when what we spoke was taking place. Something was going on that we could not see, yet though we could not see it does not mean that it was not happening if that makes sense. Paul writes in Ephesians:
Put on all of God's armour so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirit's in the heavenly places.
Ephesians 6:11-12 (NLT)
We are not fighting against powers and principalities we can always see, but they are there. We are in a battle and we are the ones involved. Yes, it's God's battle, yes it's God's armour ... I'm totally not disputing or denying that ... but we are not uninvolved. And so as part of the armour we are told to "take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (6:17).

Swords are things used to attack. That is their purpose. A shield, now that is for defence, but a sword is for fighting with. Part of the power of God's word is that it fights and attacks. It is a weapon that does things, things as Paul has already said happens in this seen world (as we know sometimes when watching people hear Scripture) and in the unseen world, in the heavenlies. Exactly what it does or how I have no real idea, but in my head I literally see pictures of opposing forces and beings doing battle above us. Therefore when we speak out Scripture, even when it seems irrelevant like in Central Station, it has power to do mighty amazing things that we simply cannot see or even imagine. God says that His word will not return empty but will achieve the purposes He desires (Isaiah 55:11) - and if it is a sword and actually also sharper than a double-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12) then that means that part of its purpose is to do battle. So the words that were spoken on Saturday were not just words, they had power and were actively doing something. Our words have power, and when our words are words of Scripture the power becomes especially potent. Something happens!!!

After the station came coffee, and after the coffee communion. We were using the Litany of Resistence (see http://peace.mennolink.org/articles/litofres.html or Shane Caliborne's book Jesus For President for an abridged version) and having words that we could speak together in unity stopped any self-conciousness and gave substance to what we were doing that words made up on the spot would not have had. Knowing how to respond meant that we didn't always have to look at the sheets either, and for me praying "forgive us for we know not what we do" became a heart-felt cry as people walked on by unaware and uncaring. To them what we were doing was meaningless, weird even, but for me in that moment repentance was taking place, repentance that went beyond just individual me somehow, extending in some way to those that were just walking by blindly. At the end being able to afirm and proclaim what we would do together gave a chance not just for repentance to have happened, but for hope to have been awakened, hope of a new and different way, hope of the actual alternative kingdom of God breaking into the here-and-now of the world. And so, sharing the familiar words from Scripture, the bread was broken before us and the cup lifted high and both were passed between us, one to another, and then the reminder was poured (not spilt!) onto the street, a symbol (for me anyway, others can interpret it how they like) that Christ died not just for us, but for those who walked upon this street and for creation itself.

After that our little party broke up and filtered seamlessly into the street amidst the crowd and on into the rest of the day. Yet, with the knowledge that our words had not been powerless, our actions had not been meaningless, and something had happened that day in the heavenlies and on the street that would not have happened had we not been there. The Word had come to life on the street.

the blue screen of death ...

2008-11-30T22:49:00.002Z

My computer developed 'the blue screen of death' on Wednesday. Only, at first I didn't realise that's what it was. Then someone came along who knew what he was talking about and shared with me the news making sure to give adice on how to sort the problem. Sorting the problem involved saying goodbye to the old computer, cutting all ties with it and getting rid of it. Then it involved spending time getting a new computer, installing it and having someone come and install it, showing me how to get the most out of it. Now it involves me actually using it and using it in the right way.

Mmmmm, wonder if there is some form of message or illusration in that ... or would that be too simple!

My bus trip ...

2008-11-14T22:28:00.003Z

Well, today was a better day at work than Monday ... for a start nothing broke down on us ... a miracle in itself! Still, was tired when I left and was in a dream-like state for most of the bus ride home.

Just coming into East Kilbride when a man and toddler son get on. Now, I have to confess what first made me 'attentive' to them was that the man was wearing three quarter length sports trouser things (displaying some nice tattoos) as well as black ankle socks and a pair of Vans, plus a hoodie thing and leather juacket. Now, with it being so cold and all it seemed like the trousers would cancel out any warm the hoodie and jacket gave. Anyways, the look made me look!

The wee boy just smiles at me as dad puts the fold down pram thing in the bit its meant to go in on a bus, and the two sit opposite me. I don't know how old this wee boy is, but he's young enough to still need the buggy but old enough to talk a bit. Anyways, by this time the pair have my full attention.

I watch as the wee boy looks out the window and the talks, pointing at what he sees. The dad lets him speak, then joins in, telling him more about what it is etc. The dad gets the boy to pose for photos he takes on his mobile, and the wee boy is more than happy to do it, having fun, making memories. It is as if they are oblivious to other people, so caught up in each other.

In my dream like state I sensed God say to me thats what its like when we're together. You know, those moments when you're oblivious to everyone else but your Me and to you it feels like the most secure place ever. Nothing threatens and everything is an adventure. The Father and the child, Me and you, locked in an adventure, doting on each other.

The wee boy gets excited as the dad lets him push the red button that makes the bell noise. They get off and the adventure goes on ...

The Word Before The Powers ...

2008-11-07T22:50:00.007Z

Have finished reading The Word Before The Powers: an ethic of preaching by Charles Campbell which I totally recommend. Brilliant book!!!

Am now half way into The Word on the Street: Performing the Scriptures in the Urban Context also by Charles Campbell as well as Stanley Saunders. In it they flesh out what Campbell explore in The Word Before The Powers, as they share thoughts, essays, sermons and stories from their work amongst the homeless people on the streets of Atlanta. They use Scripture to read the streets and the streets to read Scripture, which both inspires and challenges me. It's good to know I am not alone though, for it challenges and inspires them too ... after all they are seminary professors, Christians, theologians and human. Their honesty is in a sense liberating, and their stories moving.

In it all you get a sense of what Campbell talks about at the end of The Word Before The Powers. In the final chapter of the book he writes about the four virtues that ought to characterise preachers in addition to love: truthfullness, anger, patience and hope. This is how he concludes his section on hope, and indeed the book itself:

"… In the places of death, hope becomes radical hope in God, for no shallow, domesticated hope will do.

In the places of death, hope itself finally becomes a form of resistance – a defiance of the powers that pretend to rule the world. In the face of the powers, hope is no passive, wishful longing for a better day. Rather, it is a form of resistance to the principalities that masquerade as common sense; it challenges the closed definitions of reality that offer no alternative future. Where hope is present, the powers have lost control, and their reign has been broken. The future opens up, and life becomes possible even in the midst of death.

As preachers enter the reality of Jesus’ resurrection, immerse themselves in the memories of the community of faith, and cultivate hope in the places of suffering, they are prepared to preach with hope on Sunday mornings. They are empowered to enter the pulpit and non-violently resist the powers with the redemptive Word of the gospel. They are prepared to speak the Word that helps set the church free to live faithfully in the face of the powers of death. And grounded in such hope, preachers may even find themselves preaching with joy – the joy that comes from the assurance of God’s redemption and the confidence that we are at least in the right struggle." (p. 188)

And so on Sunday morning I go to preach hope. When I go to work on Monday morning I go 'preaching' hope. As we journey together as preachers in college, we do so preaching hope.

Whatever else may be said
Christ died
Christ is risen
Christ will come again.

The powers do not have the final say. The final say is reserved for God, and God is the God who speaks, puts flesh on and enacts hope. And in resistence to the powers and in awe of God we preach that hope.

Music to my soul ...

2008-11-06T18:05:00.002Z

Today I must confess, I am weary, I am tired, I walk slowly and draggingly (and am making up words it seems). There is much to do and it seems to little time to do it. And when you're tired and weary you do what you need to do even less well, and it takes even longer.

A highlight of the day was devotions in college this morning, in which we were reminded that we are adopted children of God, that we are aquitted and forgiven, and that we are deeply loved. In a stunning way we were lead with humour and prophetic reference, in which the truth spoke to my soul, the words becoming like music washing over me.

But as the day wore on the weariness returned. After an afternoon of doing more 'stuff' (a.k.a. sermon prep) slowly and tiredly came the jouney home. There in central station as I stood weary and tired, a piper dressed in full kilt outfit stood off to the side and begun to play. Instantly I recognised Flora McDonald's Fancy, and my soul was uplifted. I wish I could have taken a picture, for it was a beautiful sight! As the music moved me, I moved towards the piper. Suddenly I was no longer as tired and weary, but instead had a desire bubbling within to take off my boots and dance. Dance with grace, dance with passion and dance with strength. Though I didn't let the desire bubble out into reality (I was I confess too self-concious), in my mind I danced. And as I danced joy returned. From Flora McDonald's Fancy to something I didn't recognise to Highland Cathedral and beyond, I was moved. The pipers music spoke to my soul.

Thank you Mr. Piperman, you have no idea what a blessing you've been to me today.

Remembrance Sunday prep ...

2008-11-05T22:38:00.003Z

Today is a historic day in America, though the reverberations of it will reach around the world. As was pointed out in Creative Homiletics today, in the history that has led to today stands a Baptist! Devotions from class this morning responding to Barack Obama's election as the next US President, allowed us to 'hear' and comment on the "I have a dream..." speech of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. To me at least it spoke of how, amongst other things, hope is alive and change is possible. "Failure does not have the last word" when you have "reached the other side of enough" as some students put it yesterday when articulating what the resurrection 'does'. Despite many failures and failings then, when many had reached "the other side of enough" today is a day of new and re-newed hope that change will indeed be possible.

On a different note (?) am preparing a sermon for this Sunday, Remembrance Day. I'm going to a new church that I have never preached in before, having accepted the invitation to come before I realised the significance of the date. Had I realised that first I would probably not have accepted, in all honesty. But I didn't, so I did, and I'm going.

Have never preached on Remembrance Sunday before. Had no idea where to begin with the preperation work ... other than in deep prayer of course. Went to Gathering for Worship which was of little help, so went to 'the little red book' more properly known as Patterns and Prayers for Christian Worship, which was slightly more helpful ... even suggesting appropriate readings. Having gone through them, some more prayerfully than others, Psalm 46 has been settled on, and so the last two days have been spent working with the Scriptural text.

From my own reflections one of the things that spoke most loudly to me in the Psalm was God's resounding "no" to all that would try to overwhelm. That "no" speaks louder than anything else, yet also speaks a "yes". A "yes" to trust in Yahweh, a "yes" to an alternative future to what the circumstances offer, a "yes" to hope. Surprisingly only half the commentary's I've also engaged with seem to have picked up on this in any kind of significant way. Yet it is there in the text. Craig Broyles writes that the Psalm speaks security because God is present, meaning 'the moment when light dispels darkness was symbolic of salvation, newness, and hope.' Therefore as the Psalmist writes "we will not fear."

The stillness is a call to cease, to recognise God and the reality of an ever-present, dwelling God both for now and for the future. The stillness becomes an act (of sorts) of resistance . It says "no" to fear and "yes" to trust. It says "no" to despair and "yes" to imagination. It says "no" to present chaos and "yes" to present Sovereignty.

Gerald H. Wilson sums it up like this:
We face death and the dissolution of the world, not because we are assured of a new life after death ... We live faithfully in the face of the ultimate threats of life because God is at the core ... Life with God is not dependant on life as we know it - or even on the universe as we know it. Life with God transcends our need to life here and now at any cost. Life lived in the power of God's refuge and strength becomes eternal life - not just life that hopes to be restored in some future perfect existence, but life that is not threatened by the imperfection of our world or even by the dissolution of all we know.

In all this 'stuff' there is strong message for Remembrance Sunday. A time when, yes we come to remember and to pray, but also create space to imagine and hold onto the hope that is birthed and clung to as we are still and know that God is God, no matter the surrounding chaos. Ultimately its about the rule of God. We remember those who fought and died in wars, we pray for those who still do,but we anticipate when wars will be no more. As Isaiah puts it so beautifully, we look forward to a time when "He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore." (Isaiah 2:4) Quite how the text will work its way into a sermon text to be 'performed' is tomorrows work, but tonight I go to bed reminded of what it means to be still, to really cease all strivings and quell all fears, and in that space dare to put all trust confidently in the awesome God of hope.

Devoted honesty ...

2008-11-03T21:20:00.002Z

The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Thank you Coral for sharing so beautifully and honestly tonight on what is also one of my favourite verses. It was a real blessing and "wow" moment!

Micah challenge ... part two ...

2008-11-03T15:55:00.004Z

Well, arrived at church last night to be greeted by someone with a 'word' for me. They shared it and God definately spoke in that moment. Just what I had been praying for and not sure of God confirmed in just one word. Was such amazing assurance for me, and a blessing for the person to know that it did in deed make sense to me, and that God was nurturing the prophetic gifting in them.

And so the word / challenge God had laid on my heart through Micah was shared last night. Afterwards many came up and said that I had "done a great job." And I wanted to yell, "what, I did a great job?!" That was so not what I wanted to hear. I did not want to hear I'd done a great job, just because I was one of their own as if it were some form of performance (which, no exaggeration, is how it sounded somewhat). What I wanted to hear was that they had sensed God's voice and heard His challenge. What I wanted to hear was that something in their actions would confirm this challenge being heard and acted upon. What I wanted to hear was a recognition that the walk with God required acting justly and loving mercy in concrete rather than arms length abstract terms. What I wanted in a sense was for the community to stand together and say "amen, lets live this way."

I got none of that, but that doesn't mean none of that is present. I spoke what I felt led to by God, and so now I trust that God by His Spirit spoke into hearts and is somehow, somewhere at work in it all.

On a more personal note for me, I realised how terrified I am of our little 'Act of Kindness' project last night as Morag, Jo and Fiona led YF, talking about their work on the streets. Apprehensive about the people we'll meet, the conversations we'll have, the impact it'll have. I shared with Jo later how scared I am ... but at the same time how I know I need to give it a go. God loves all people, and so must I. Or sermons just become trite words, discussions puffed up hot air, and the Spirit's uttering that I sense are never put into practice. Justice becomes held up as some form of abstract concept again, like it has for so long, rather than something dynamic that is participatory and becomes concrete through action. I may not be 'called to the streets' in the same way as others, but how am I to know if I do not try. What I do know is that I am called to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God. Therefore I need to engage in the Act of Kindness project, allowing the Spirit to do in me whatever He wills, encouraging others to do the same, and see where this crazy ride takes us. For some this may not be a big deal ... but for me this seems a much bigger deal 'in my flesh' than choosing how I shop for example. But if the Spirit keeps sending us the same message over and over again then He's definately up to something, and I want to be part of that something, even if with fear and trembling ...

Micah challenge ...

2008-11-02T14:21:00.004Z

Am preaching at EMBC tonight. At the moment quite nervous and praying hard! Feel like I'm walking a tight-rope between my own rant and something that God has laid on my heart.

We were speaking this week in Creative Homiletics about trouble and grace. The idea that biblical passages can contain trouble, but that they also contain grace ... the trouble needs to be worked through though before grace comes. I fear that what is heard tonight will be more trouble than grace. To an extent I'm ok with that. Am becoming more and more convinced that in order to be disciples we need to engage in issues of social justice and a whole heap of other 'stuff' (or the powers and principalities), and that if we're not can we really call ourselves disciples. However, while to an extent I'm contented with the harsh sounding-ness (is that even a word!) I'm aware that part of my role tonight as a preacher is to come from among the people as one grappling with this themselves and speak God's words in a way that will mobilise the community and not stop them in their tracks.

And so this afternoon I'm praying hard ... for peace in my heart ... for the right words in my mouth ... for open hearts to hear from God ... and for open bodies to respond.

Lord, let it be Your words said in Your way that come out my mouth tonight and not anything of my rant and my issues. Let it be done to Your glory, that people would walk deeper with you, with justice and mercy being qualities that mark us out as belonging to You. Amen.

Community at the Assembly ...

2008-11-01T22:25:00.004Z

Quite literally have just returned from the Baptist Union of Scotland's annual Assembly. This year it was held in Glasgow, which means returning took only 20mins and ensured last night and tonight I got/get to sleep in my own bed - for which I am grateful!

The theme of the Assembly was 'The DNA of Discipleship'. Catchy title and really there were good things about this weekend. Not least of which was Mark Greene talking 'empire theology' and 'stuff' yesterday morning. Catching up with people was good and helpful. Listening to presentations was sometimes good and sometimes helpful. Worshipping together is always good and always helpful.

Yet, what I enjoyed most about the weekend, what the highlights were if you like, had nothing to do with any of that. There were two and both are all summed up in the word COMMUNITY!

After the college presentation our lecturers (though that is not the right term, as they are more than lecturers) wanted to take us out for coffee. So off we students went, gathering more students and former students and students other (better?) halves along the way. By the time we reached the coffee shop we were many. Yet rather than disperse, we moved furniture to be together. Conversations broke out that very quickly turned deep ... especially (not surprisingly as ministerial students) about 'this journey called ministry', in all its differing senses. Points were discussed, questions asked, opinions shared, thoughts provoked, learning stimulated ... all over coffee, cake and ciabatta. Time passed, quickly, as it does when it is being enjoyed amongst friends. Before we knew it we were late for the next session and so decided to walk leisuely back together, continuing in conversation.

We were doing community together. Not because it was forced, not because it was felt we needed to, or were obligated to ... but because actually that is what we are. We are a community together. Of students yes, but more so as Christians, as people seeking to follow Jesus and learn what it means to come under His rule even more. And in that there is a recognition that we can't do it alone, and so we do it together, becoming part of the shaping forces in each others lives. And that continued even into the dinner with two friends.

That was a highlight of the Assembly for me.

The other came just after communion, as the closing act of worship. Communion is a powerful time, and this was too, as a core leaders and others served the body with the symbols of Christ's body and blood ... and (in my case at least) not silently, but with the words "this is Christ's body given for you ... this is Christ's blood poured out for you." After that onto the platform came a small team. After sharing that their presentation (given at a conference in Germany earlier in the year) was both Scottish in culture and simple in language, images began to appear on the screen. Images of Scottish things ... places, people, history, and information was shared in slow careful language. As the presentation continued the two girls on stage acted freeze style different kinds of greeting before it was shared that in Scotland we greet with a handshake. And so, the woman continued, the delegates (that had been in Germany, standing in black trousers and white tops) were going to pass among people and share the greeting with them. As it was recieved it was to be passed on to as many different people as possible. And so the team began to move among, and from my position in the balconary the most beautiful scene began to unfold.

People greeting each other ... not in the way we sometimes do in church, you know the "turn around and say hello to someone" forced way ... but in genuine greeting. People began to get up naturally and share with others a handshake, and somewhere in the midst of that God was tangibly present. There was a girl singing, though to be honest I didn't hear the words, but in the music and in the handshakes the Spirit was breathing something that seemed like community in some ways. Not in the same way as in the cases above, but something deeper than I'd seen all weekend ... and I sensed in my spirit the real hope of genuine, loving, committed community. And as the handshake made it way to where I was and I got up to greet others I did so with tears in my eyes, that began to stream down my cheeks (and I really don't do public crying!) because it was truely something beautiful, and I mean beautiful that was taking place. For me, the Spirit was resting heavy and this was in deed a holy moment! It took a while for people to make their way back to their seats, because the handshakes were still going on ... genuinely going on ... a feeling of community was being birthed in some way almost.

That was a highlight for me.

And so the conference was good ... but those moments of community were great. That is what I take away from the Assembly. Discipleship is about our whole lives, that came across load and clear from the front ... and its about being disciples in community.

2008-10-23T22:29:00.002Z

It never fails to amaze me that God speaks so powerfully. Or that some of what God speaks to me and shows me is for me to share with other people, so that He can speak to them through it too. Often despite my fear, doubt and sometimes the sheer craziness of the 'word' and the utter lack of knowledge of the other person. But God does speak. And (sometimes) I do hear.

Tonight was another example of that - Light and Life event in East Kilbride.

Thank You God that You do. Holy Spirit increase in me an ability to hear, Father open my eyes to 'see' more, Jesus speak Your words to me and through me. Amen

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2Timothy 1:7

Work ...

2008-10-13T19:38:00.002Z

Still going around the same old mountians I realised today. Guess I'm going to keep going around the mountain until I learn what I need to learn and God does what He needs to do in my character and conduct. You think after 3 years I would be getting closer though ...

Whole gospel for the whole person ...

2008-10-11T21:27:00.004Z

Margaret, the Village Centre Manager (amongst all the other things she does!), was excitedly re-casting vision almost at our QBM the other night. Earlier in the day she had used a phrase when describing the aim of what the Centre is about:

'The whole gospel for the whole person.'

Like it! Haven't been able to get it out of my head for the past couple of days. Think she's onto something really significant, possibly more than she realises.

Got me to thinking ...

Recently have been taken with empire and kingdoms and values and peacemaking and reconcilation and how to put myself where God wants me to be and counting the cost and ... well, you get the idea, a whole lot of things (only some of which are mentioned here).

The key may just be the whole gospel for the whole person. I mean, for me, as well as for others. That's what Jesus was all about right ... He was the whole gospel for the whole person!!!

Reading this at the moment cause it 'feeds my lenses.' Not all that far into it, but today was reading the chapter about Jesus and the powers (Chapt. 3). In it Campbell was talking about the different ways in which Jesus both engaged the powers and offered the alternative. He writes:
As Walter Wink has noted, Jesus' entire ministry challenges the powers, and the gospel itself is "a context-specific remedy for the evils of the Domination System." (Pg. 44)

The gospel itself is a context-specific remedy for the evils of the Domination System. In other words the gospel may work and look different in different contexts, but it always brings life instead of death ... more than that, it brings life in the face of death.

Thats what Jesus was doing when He raised Jarius daughter. That's what Jesus was doing when the bleeding woman touched Him. That's what He was doing as He critiqued the religious leaders. That's what Jesus was doing when He healed the demonaic. That's what He was doing most of all in His death and resurrection. Bringing life to what was dead, inviting people into the alternative. Though, perhaps its not so much of an alternative as we think, but more an invitation into the way things should have been ... after all God created things good and life-full first.

Jesus is the gospel, and as Christians we carry it. We take it's message and tell anyone and everyone who will listen. It may take on different shapes depending on the context, but its always about Jesus.

If it's always about Jesus, then perhaps its not as scary after all. Though it involves a death to self (and that is still a hard and constant battle - for me at least), it involves rising into a new life. An old friend was reflecting today on where our security lies, the fears we have, and how perfect love drives out all fear. I believe this is true, therefore I need not fear what this radical discipleship shall 'cost' me, nor where it will place me. Jesus was always with people bringing hope where before there had been none, and He calls to His follwers to do the same. Remaining secure in Him radical discipleship will involve putting my behind where God is already at work and trusting Him for what will happen when there. Putting my behind to where I deem there to be hope, and it seems to me that Jesus found that everywhere ... especially among 'the least, the last and the lost.' The call to radical discipleship is the call to be involved in bringing the whole gospel to the whole person ... and experiencing it yourself as you go.

Margaret is right to get excited about that!

Does weather match mood?

2008-10-09T21:13:00.002Z

Why is it always a horrible, rainy night when we have a church business meeting on?

Just a question and observation!

Challenge (part 1) ...

2008-10-08T22:08:00.004Z

Aside from feeling frustrated, am also living in a place of extreme challenge at the moment. In our creative homiletics class today we had a fantastic discussion (which I'll most likely blog on once my thoughts have gathered and cleared some more), but one of the students hit the nail on the head for me when reflecting on how far he is willing to be present with people etc. For example, he said, what if while out on the street last week he had struck up a conversation with someone. After getting through some superficial conversation what if she had opened up to him and told him she was suffering from domestic abuse(not too far fetched ... they told me on myfirst mission while doing child protection stuff that I was utterly unlikely to face any situation like that - not so!). What would he have done? Say "oh I'm sorry to hear that"? Take her somewhere she could be safe? Take her in himself? What would he have done?

This is my kind of challenge and frustration at the moment. Another student and I were talking and I was sharing that I feel like I'm caught in this internal battle a lot of the time. I read what the Scriptures say, I begin to unpack what it means, I devour all this stuff about radical discipleship ... and my head, heart, the whole lot of me screams 'Amen, that's what I want to be.' I sense God's call within all of that ... and then the 'flesh' part of me kicks in again. How radical am I willing to be? How present am I willing to be? Am I prepared to pay the cost? And that's when all the other part of me screams 'No!' And so there is this internal struggle going on ...

I can not remain 'safe' and 'comfortable', for that is not how a Christian is called to live. A Chrsitian is called to follow after Christ, which may be an adventure, but is certainly not a safe, comfortable or tame adventure. I am a Christian and my desire is to own the name of Christ more, to more fully submitted to His rule. Yet those very ideas and all they contain scare the living daylights out of me. What if I am called to live among the poorest of the poor? What if I am to protest in the streets? What if I am to land in jail? What if this is what it means for me, personally to be fully submitted to the rule of Christ?

When talking about the Sermon on the Mount Dietrich Bonhoeffer says that when it is embodied it is a sign of the visible church. That is what we are to be, a visible church. Visibly putting ourselves in the places where good news and gospel need to be proclaimed and lived out ... embodied Christian ethical living in essence. Does how I live mark me out as being part of the visible church?

Am I willing to pay the cost? Am I willing to bear the consequences of not paying it? We explored Romans 12:1-2 today a little. Mercy ... sacrifice ... just some of the images present. The only problem with a living sacrifice is that it has a tendancy to crawl off the alter ... or at least this one name Mo does.

Therein lies the challenge ...

Frustrated ...

2008-10-07T22:21:00.002Z

Its now gone 11, I'm tired, got a headache and am slightly grouchy ... but only slightly. Have done nothing but stare at a computer screen for hours the past two nights while trying to write a class conference paper on the beatitudes (Matt. 5:3-12). Embodied radical discipleship ... the eschatalogical tension in living in the now-and-not yet of the Kingdom of God (yes I know Matthew says heaven!) ... what does it mean to be a peacemaker ... what does blessing (makarios) actually refer to ... what about justice and righteousness, meekness and mercy ...

Love it ... there's so much good stuff there ... great red letter stuff (Shane Claiborne) ...

Yet in doing that I have missed a planning meeting concerning social justice and acts of kindness being organised within YF (basically how we can model for the young people and help them live out embodied beatitudes around East Kilbride) ...

I have also missed a worship practice (which I would probably have had to miss on account of the meeting anyway) as well as cell group (space where discipleship is discussed and developed).

Frustrated ... yes I am!!!!!!!!!!!

However, such is the balance of trying to study and have a life beyond books and computer screens, as was pointed out to me today by another student in the preaching lab ...

'Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out.'
Ecclesiastes 12:12 (b)

Frustrated ... worn out ... I head to bed ...

What constitutes a good or bad movie?

2008-10-02T22:29:00.004Z

Went to see the film The Women with some friends tonight. The idea was to go out as girlies and just see a chick flick. Two hours later my mind was definately numbed, but it was followed up by a conversation about what makes a film good or bad. Tastes are different, that's for sure. For example one of my friends enjoyed the fim simply because she hates chick flicks and got to make fun of it. Another liked it just because of who was in it, while another was undecided as it seemed to jump genres a lot ... comedy ... to rom com ... to just plain over acting!

Chick flicks, in my opinion, are fantastic. I love them! It always seems to work out in the end which I really like, the girl always gets the guy, friends make up, families truce and find common ground ... the sky is blue and there isn't a cloud in sight. For the hour and a half they run you can loose yourself in a story bigger than yourself where 'reality' doesn't really exist.

That's all well and good, but while my friends were discussing our thoughts and planning our next girls night in (I just got the Sex and the City movie!), a strange question popped into my head. In creative homeletics we're looking at a book called the Four Codes of Preaching by John McClure which takes four codes that are present within our sermon communication and breaks them down to see what kind of intertext we're sponsoring.

The book is quite complicated and not written in easily accessable English and so I spent some of this afternoon in conversation with a couple of the others in the class breaking down the basic ideas, trying to make things a little clearer.

The question that popped into my head tonight as we talked about chick flicks, having just come out of a not particularly good one was this ... what intertext was it sponsoring? And is that intertext as good as I would like to think? And what does what I watch say about me? While I know films are different to sermons, 'codes' (albeit maybe different ones) are at work potentially (depending on how you want to look at it), and so the questions were sparked off in my mind.

I really need to stop thinking so much ... my brain hurts and I just can't keep up ... plus would be nice to just watch a film once in a while without it leading to either "oh, I could use that scene" or an over analysis of what is going on. Still, the intertext question was there in my thinking ...

Will we go ...

2008-10-02T18:21:00.007Z

Prayers in college this morning was led by not only reading the Bible (always good!) but by allowing us to reflect on both art and poetry. We were told of the work of Mexican artist Frida Kahlo who at one time had a style that was slightly unusual. One of her paintings is called Diego On My Mind and is a self portrait which also includes the face of her husband on her forehead. The idea is that what is central in her mind and takes up much of her mind 'appears' on her forehead. The challenge was what John saw in Jesus when he exclaimed 'Lamb of God!' in John 1. Maybe he saw a picture of a lamb on Jesus forehead? But it made me think, what would be the picture in the middle of my forehead? Would it be Jesus? Or would it be something else? If others were to look at me and place in the middle of my forehead that which they think occupies my mind, what would they see?

Equally am I prepared to be where people will see through me at all? Prayers was finished with a poem that I do not know the origion of - only that the person reading it recieved it from an older person, in their church I think. It connected not only to prayer, but also to some of my reflecting on yesterday and what it means at times to be here and present. With the poem I end this post and leave its challenge to 'hang in the air' ...

I said, "Let me walk in the fields."
He said, "Nay, walk in the town."
I said, "There are no flowers there."
He said, "No flowers but a crown."

I said, "But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din."
But He wept as He sent me back,
"There is more," He said, "there is sin."

I said, "But the air is thick,
And the fogs are veiling the sun."
He answered, "Yet hearts are sick,
And souls in the dark undone."

I said, "I shall miss the light,
And friends will want me, they say."
He answered me, "Choose tonight,
If I am to miss you, or they."

I cast one look at the fields,
Then set my face to the town.
He said, "My child, do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for the crown?"

Then into His hand went mine,
And into my heart came He,
And I walk in a light divine
The path that I feared to see.

Principalities, powers and potential in Glasgow ...

2008-10-01T18:23:00.003Z

Ok, so was out 'playing' today and was so much less intense than I thought it would be ... in many senses it was much 'safer' and less risky than I had imagined. There was much less of the reading aloud Scripture than I thought there would be and comfort zones were maintained. Yet that did not make it unchallenging.

First were two different spiritual exercises - being fully present and attentive among people and then identifying and discerning any principalities and powers that may be at work. I remember when I lived in Stokesley one of my favourite activities was having my daily latte (ususally hazelnut) and people watching. Sitting in one of the window bars I would watch people as they passed trying to guess their emotions and stories as they passed by, judged just on what I could discern from the way they were dressed, the way they walked, the expressions on their faces and what, if any, contact they had with others around. Today's exercise was similar in many ways, though it surprised me to learn that I found it much easier to be present while being still than while moving. While I walked or rather sauntered it was much easier to be distracted, and in a sense I became a part of that which I was trying to observe and be aware of rather than being present in any of objective yet empathetic sense.

It came as no surprise however that most people were not smiling in the slightest and actually most communication happened electronically (despite lots of background noise!) with many people on the phone or with headphones on. Even those people that were 'together' did not appear present to one another. Take for example a couple I saw walking and holding hands. Neither seemed happy in any sense and actually neither seemed to even be aware of the other at all, desite having the physical contact of holding hands. Later this contrasted even more with a couple who were also holding hands but were 'present' with each other and aware of each other, as well as an elderly couple of women huddled together, holding one another up almost.

There was an overwhelming sense of hopelessness amongst the people. A tiredness, drearyness, distant disconnectedness. No one made eye contact with anyone else, and no one smiled at any one. Each was totally caught up in their own world, passing many other people by totally unaware of them. Unaware of the girl that looked as though she had been crying and was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Unaware of the small gentleman selling the Big Issue outside two of the biggest companies around ... Starbucks and Apple. Visible yet invisible. Present but not 'present'.

It saddened me. It challenged me. After all, how do I respond to that? How can I be good news amidst such seeming 'bad news'? And what shape does that good news take? Actually, while its about me its also not about me, its about 'us' ... the church, the community of God's people (specifically those of us called to 'ministry' this morning). How do we respond? Do we 'see', are we 'present' and aware? How can we be good news to these people in these places?

After dsicussing the first exercise we went back through the street observing / discerning the principalities and powers at work and in competition for people and amongst people in the street. For me the most immediate one was the demon of conformaty. People in their search for belonging have become homogenous - from where they shop, to what they buy, to how they look. The structure of the shops, from their archetecture to their products and everything in between add to the demons, embody the demons and feed the lies. The thing is, most of the time, actually people don't feel more connected or that they belong in any more of a real sense. In fact this principality often feeds into others. The obvious demon of consumerism was present, as were the more subtle ones of domination, isolation and many more all setting themselves up as the antithesis of what they actually are - false gods. In fact the imagery, language and symoblism used reflected something of these religious overtones as the false gods lure people into their false worship. Someone reflected that the street for many represents their place of worship and the products their new gospel ... and though many would not explicitly name it as such, I can't help but agree in some measure.

And yet ...

There were little pockets of hope ...

The Help the Aged people, the Care people ... all with good causes that aid rather than hinder humanity and creation. Though the people representing were most definately recieting speels, still there was hope. People were verbally claiming some of that 'contested space' for good ...

Another class mate reflected that we are quick to point out all the negative aspects of what we sense in these spaces, yet we buy into them none the less, as do many of the people we minister amongst. And therein lies the challenge, for me at least.

Sitting on the steps of a closed down bank we did a kind of Bible study / how would you preach thing based on Luke 12:22-34. Much was discussed, there were many challenges and observations made ... some more heatedly than others it has to be said. Yet what struck me the most was this simple verse:
Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
(Luke 12:32)

Maybe empire is an unhelpful term at times. Perhaps kingdom would be better. There are two kingdoms - that of darkness and that of light. It is impossible to be of both. You are either one or the other, for darkness and light cannot co-exist ... light drives out darkness. It has pleased the Father to place in believers the kingdom of light. Our challenge is to live and embody that kingdom in the here and now, being aware that it will not fully be realised until the time to come - called to be Kingdom of Heaven people living with the great eschatelogical tension.

Does that mean we remove ourselves entirely from the kingdom of darkness. No. But it does mean we model the alternative Kingdom of Light in the darkness. We live out the Kingdom values amid the kingdom (empire) and draw others to Jesus, the one who places this new Kingdom within them as He calls them to follow Him.

There was much debate today about how we do that ... and today will not in any way, shape or form have ended our debate. What the meaning of becoming poor is, what it means to be good stewards, all of that will continue to be talked about. At the end of the day though none of the talking does any good until it takes on some form of action.

For me that will mean total dependence on God, being a peacemaker in the truest sense, sharing and being good news, viewing people as made in the image of God with great potential, and calling people to an alternative way of life than that which the kingdom of darkness calls acceptable and desirable, all the while seeking to live out that Kingdom as best I can. Ezekiel was called and commissioned, as was read to us at the start of the day, to proclaim what the Sovereign Lord says (Ezekiel 2) ... and then later the Soverign Lord showed him that dry bones can live again and that the word of the Lord causes them to rise up again (Ezekiel 37). It may be one of my favourite passages, and there may be many different interpretations ... but maybe, just maybe, some of the dry bones that I saw walking around Glasgow today could live again if they just heard the Word of the Lord ...

Going out to play ...

2008-09-30T21:17:00.004Z

Going out to 'play' with my creative homiletics class tomorrow. Feeling both excited and nervous about it at the moment. The basic idea is to explore ideas and issues surrounding an 'extreme' homiletical style - namely preaching and reading Scripture in public places and spaces, what are 'contested spaces.' As a class we're meeting in the centre of Glasgow's city centre, to do quite what exactly I'm not too sure ... but it will involve some reading of Scripture, some moving around, some discussion and most probably some coffee.

One of my lecturer's commented last week that I seem quite taken with "all this empire stuff", and I guess he's right. What I'm battling with is how to be faithful to Christ in what seems quite extreme measures, totally against what the empire values but is Kingdom values, all the while battling with my 'flesh'. The part of me that gets nervous, feels self conscious, needs to be liked, finds it easier to maintain the status quo etc. Yet increasingly I find that at odds with what I should / would be living like if I really was (to use a phrase I heard Shane Claiborne use recently) a 'Red Letter Christian' ... someone who believes Jesus really meant everything He said.

To some I may just be going out to 'play' in homelitics tomorrow, but to me at least its like I'm continuing in my battle. The power of Scripture and what it means ... plus all the 'stuff' that is involved in everything - all the principalities and powers, all the things at work seen and unseen - to do with spiritual battles etc ... is part of my personal battle and something that tomorrow represents in a small part at least. I mean, I say I believe in the power of Scripture, but am I prepared to read it aloud in the street with the same passion I would from the safety of the church building on a Sunday? Am I prepared for my eyes to be opened further as I read about what God requires of me (e.g. Micah 6) while seeing a homeless person selling the Big Issue out of the corner of my eye? Or after reading that buying coffee from Starbucks (which I really like) which may now be ethically traded, I may even go all out and get their fair trade blend, yet still buying it from a company that pretty much dominates the market.

This probably makes no sense to anyone else ... to be honest, I'm not putting it in a way just now that I'm fully happy with either, or that makes sense of what is going on in me just now ... but suffice to say tomorrow will be both informative and formative ... and so I'm excited and apprehensive all at the same time, in relatively equal measure. Guess I should just wait and see what tomorrow brings ...

Messing with my mind ...

2008-08-08T17:21:00.006Z

Having been recommended this book continually throughout the year have finally bought it and begun to read. SB spoke some from it at Abernethy and that was the final straw, I wanted to read it and see what this irresistible revolution was and could look like.

Now think it should come with a health warning!!! This book is seriously messing with my mind and my heart. My heart is crying out when I read the stories and Shane's theology (in essence) in agreement ... and my mind is asking me am I prepared for that. It is impossible to read this book and not be changed in some way ... the question is to what extent is it allowed to change me ... and how much will I allow it to drive me back to the Book to read in fresh ways things that if I really profess to love God, follow Jesus, and be lead by the Holy Spirit will have a dramatic tranformative effect in my life and lifestyle. Quoting Rich Mullins from a chapel service while at his college Shane writes:
"You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy name Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too ... [And he paused in the akward silence.] But I guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest." (pg. 98-99)

This is a book I am trying to read slowly as it poses such challenges, yet am reading quickly as it speaks to the core of me, to strange places in me that long for much of what is described yet am unnerved by it and unsure of what that means and looks like for me. This is a book that I will need to spend some time pondering, most likely with the Book open beside me. This is a book I will need to re-read and re-read to get its full impact. This is a book I'll share with others, all the while knowing that only those with the hearts of ordinary radicals will truly get it.

So while I do all this, asking Him what it means in my life, here are just some short challenging quotes for refection:

'Mother Teresa used to say, "We can do not great things, just small things with great love. It's not about how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it."' (pg. 78)

'Momma T also used to say, "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts and then love more."' (pg. 136)

'People always want to define you by what you do ... I'm not to concerned about what I am going to do. I am more interested in who I am becoming. I want to be a lover of God and people.' (pg. 108)

'I truly believe that when the poor meet the rich, riches will have no meaning. And when the rich meet the poor, we will see poverty come to an end.' (pg. 114)

What was it Jesus said again ... oh yeah ...
“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way."
(Matt. 5:3-12 NLT).

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven Lord!!!

Weeks of insanity ...

2008-08-08T17:15:00.002Z

Haven't blogged in a while (why is that so often my opening line!). This week has been my first week going back to relative 'normality' after some time off this summer. By time off I mean time away with my family (hmmm, always so relaxing - though actually this time it really was ... cottage in what felt like the middle of nowhere by the sea helped), going to Soul Survivor and then to one of the Abernethy Trust centres (highly recommend!).

There has been so much to think on and ponder this week. God has done and said so much in this past wee while that only now am I able to digest it in any way shape or form to any real degree. Much of what that all involves will follow in the weeks and months to come I'm sure. However, think it is always good to note and realise that when God wants to speak something He always gets His message across and makes sure He's heard. That's one of my lasting impressions of these past few weeks ... God has been speaking to me over and over again in a million (not literally but it feels like it) ways about the same things and how they are all connected. However, it is not just enough to hear God speak ... then comes the time to act ... and to the acting now progress ...........

Fashioned for greatness

2008-06-17T14:14:00.003Z

Was watching the Hillsong Women’s Colour Conference highlights from this year the other day. Bobby Houston, one of the Senior Pastor’s was sharing something of her heart. What she shared ties into my study on God’s favour this month. Through it, God really spoke some more into my heart on what it means to be fashioned for greatness by Him and for Him. As she said “God is looking for a company of women who not only delight in Him, but are open to their capacity to be warrior princess daughters.”

1. Fashioned for greatness
God has big, not small purposes for people – Eph. 1 and 2 Cor. 6:1-13
In order for these to come to fruition then there needs to be signs of growth towards maturity so that we are carrying ourselves as those who are becoming what we are – daughters of the King
This involves guarding our hearts, governing our minds and controlling our responses.

I preached on something similar to this in East Mains a while back when I was looking at the theme of holiness. Much of this came out of reflections for one of my courses, theological reflection. Here is an excerpt from a couple of the journal entries:

“…Have been thinking for the past dew weeks about how we practically apply the ‘be holy as I am holy’ verses. Want to balance what transformation God does in us, and what God calls us to be, with how we practically engage in that ourselves, so that we are not just being spoon feed all the time but really growing. Feel God’s led me to share some verses from Romans and Philippians to do this. Here are my thoughts that will begin to be shaped into the sermon.

Romans 12:1-2

The passage begins ‘therefore’, again meaning in light of all that has been said before. In light of how sinful we are, in light of how Jesus has saved us, in light of how nothing can now separate us from the love of God, here is how we are to live as Christians. We are to offer ourselves as living and holy sacrifices, set apart for God. Not living the way we used to, but living radically new and different lives. As Christians we live under a new rule, that of Christ, and therefore we live a new kind of life. We become holy as we set ourselves apart to live under the rule of Christ, becoming living sacrifices offering God ourselves completely and wholly. Often we talk about these verses in terms of being in the world but not of the world. J.B Philips puts it like this: ‘don’t let the world squeeze you into its own mould.’ In other words allow God to transform you from the inside out.

The key to the transformation is on the inside. Now God has changed our hearts, we need to allow Him to transform our minds. Though people may help us, the process of God renewing our minds is down to God and us. Only we can decide to let God renew our minds; it’s an internal thing as well as a personal thing. Renewing our mind means allowing God to alter the way we think, our mindsets. This in turn will change the way we act, as it springs from how we think not the other way around. Often our actions are unchanged because our mind is unchanged. Renewing our minds allows us to live as holy people, not just say we are holy people, regardless of how we feel or the circumstances we find ourselves in.

However, renewing our mind is a process. Yet the more we actively engage in it, the more we will be transformed. We do this by taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). Anything that might come against us and stop us being the holy people God says we are to become, we need to bind in Jesus’ name. Our thoughts and actions therefore have Jesus as their benchmark, and it is Jesus power that changes us. There is no room for laziness in our thinking. No room for the enemy to get in and form a stronghold. No room for pacing ourselves. We take every though opposed to Christ captive, sending it to the cross where Jesus will deal with it.

Philippians 4:8

Meditating on the Word of God is key to renewing our minds and being transformed. We reflect on, think about, ponder and grapple with the Word of God until it becomes such a part of us that its like we take it and in and put in on, discovering what God says about Himself and what God says about ourselves. God calls me His child … God says I am bought with a price … God calls me precious … God loves me. Renewing our thoughts leads to freedom and growth.

Truth is key, especially with so much around us lying to us and trying to deceive us. We need to know, to put on, the truth of God. In the armour of God, the Word is described as the sword of truth … its what we use to battle. The enemy doesn’t like it when we’re growing in holiness, and so will try to stop it in any way he can. He may plant thoughts in our minds but he can’t be in our minds. Knowing truth and then speaking it out is using our sword to do battle and stick it to the enemy. Jesus said ‘you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free’ (John 8:32). Free from what and for what? Free from what the world tells us to be, and free to be the people God made us and Jesus redeemed us to be. Truth transforms. Renewing our minds enables us to be holy as God is holy...”

Bobby also shared some thoughts from Psalm 144 and 145 about the daughters (women) being called to uphold society and the House (church) as well as the son’s (men) also being part of the story. She linked this to Isaiah 42:10 and covenant relationships, firstly with God and then secondly with others. There were some good points that need more unpacking, but won’t do that just now, maybe some other time.

2. Fashioned to be ourselves
We are not to be clones and deny our personal uniqueness, yet equally we need to realise that it is Christ that defines us.
God is creative, and we are made in God’s image, therefore we have permission to be our beautiful redeemed selves. After all the most beautiful and profound women are often those who know who they are and are happy to be themselves.
The enemy loves to attack our personhood because its attached to confidence which is in turn attached to our fruitfulness – don’t draw back from who God has made us to be.

Think this is a particularly good point. Am often frustrated, when it comes to girls and women in particular, as we so often settle for second best and less than all God has for us. At times this is because we believe lies, at times it is because of insecurities, at times it is through fear. Yet Jesus said we would know the truth and the truth would set us free. The truth is that we are made in God’s image. The truth is that we are redeemed. The truth is that the Holy Spirit dwells within us enabling and quipping change and growth. The truth is God loves us with a deep, lasting and profound love. Knowing the truth, meditating on truth, is what enables us as women, and as children of God in general, to be who we are made to be – ourselves – and to be comfortable with that. Some of this all is the subject of the book I am beginning to write … its coming along much slower than I imagined!

3. Fashioned to rise up and overcome.
Bobby made an interesting point that life is a series of rise up moments and we need to learn to engage in them. Otherwise we end up coming around the mountain again, merely wasting time getting back to the same point we were at before. God’s call to us is “Come on honey, rise up” – though in my head God says it in a Scottish accent rather than an Australian one, lol.
God’s Spirit infuses, empowers and strengthens us, bringing revelation of God and real truth into our lives. Both of these we need to be open to in order to rise up and overcome.

This is interesting I feel because it does not deny the circumstances, nor belittles them. However, it does shift the focus within them from the circumstances and ourselves, to the One who is above them all and in control of them all.

4. Fashioned to fulfil prophecy.
Isaiah 52:1-2
Psalm 68:11
Not captive anymore, but free in Jesus.

The whole theme and nature of the prophetic is one that interests me greatly. Again it has formed some of my reflections in the past couple of months. Probably most interesting and captivating of all my thoughts has involved something from my favourite theologian, Walter Brueggemann. He writes this in his book The Prophetic Imagination that fulfilling prophecy or acting prophetically involves nurturing, nourishing and evoking a consciousness and perception that is an alternative to the dominant one around us. This idea shaped not only my journal reflection, but the morning prayer I led at college this semester:

"Read: Ezekiel 37:1-14

Walter Brueggemann talks about how we are called to the prophetic ministry of nurturing, nourishing and evoking a consciousness and perception that is an alternative to the dominant one around us in his book The Prophetic Imagination. That is a challenging call, yet as pastors and would-be pastors, if I may use that term, it comes with the job. When we minister to and with people often it is to proclaim an alternative to that which they currently find themselves experiencing, and in that sense it is prophetic.

Ezekiel was told to do the same thing. The Lord took him to speak prophetically to dead bones that they would one day come to life again. Come to life because God, Creator and Sustainer God, would breathe life into them. And so Ezekiel prophesied. And this is what Brueggemann has in mind as he writes about the role of the prophet and the nature of prophetic witness.

He ends with the question, where do we begin? That is a good question. Garry Brotherston has a song called ‘Let Glasgow Flourish’, and as I was pondering that question I listened to it and began to formulate something of part of an answer. The tune is really simple, as are the words, yet they have a potentially profound insight to offer about what it means to offer a prophetic alternative, especially when he talks about belonging to Glasgow.

We are called to proclaim prophetically, to announce the Kingdom of God, to proclaim freedom, salvation, and restoration … to breathe new life into dead bones. Where do we begin? We begin where we are. We begin by seeing the ‘valley’ into which the Lord has taken us. We let God take hold of us, and we listen to what God wants to say to them, and then we preach and praise God’s name in that valley. In doing so we prophetically nurture, nourish and evoke a different reality. It takes many different forms, but the goal and the desired result is the same. We don’t need to ask if change in the places is possible, we just need to let God take hold of us and open our eyes in such a way that we can begin to once again imagine it. After all these dry bones are souls that Jesus died for and for whom Satan will fight. Are you ready to do battle … are you ready to speak prophetically of a new reality? "

If we are to take the idea of warrior, princess, daughters seriously these are points well worth considering. Then we really will be fashioned for greatness!

Song lyrics ...

2008-06-13T17:01:00.002Z

Was at Frenzy last week thanks to the kindness of a friend. Saw the band Leeland for the first time, and a line they sung really stuck in my mind. It's kept coming back to me throughout today. The line is this:

Let Your wings cover us with the promise for communion.

Great lyrics. But what does it mean for God to cover us with His wings, to promise us communion?

Immediately into my mind springs the images of bread and wine - what we refer to as communion. Symbols that remind us we are covered by the blood of Jesus, that we have the promise of forgiveness and the gift of new life. The bread and wine - symbols of promise.

Yet communion has another meaning. In the dictionary communion is also defined as being about intimate communication, the sharing of thoughts and emotions, fellowship. Psalm 91 talks eloquently of this kind of communion:

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I will declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him ...
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armour and protection."
Psalm 91:1-2,4 (NLT)

In the NIV it talks of finding shelter in the Almighty when the Lord becomes your dwelling place. About God being both refuge and fortress, covering us with His feathers and giving us protection under His wings, so that He becomes our shield and rampart. What great images shield and rampart are, and what a picture being covered by God's feathers and protected under His wings paints. This is intimate fellowship. This is deep communication. This is what God desires and what I desire also.

So Lord, let your wings cover us with the promise of communion.
Let Your wings cover me with Your promise of communion.

Who can be trusted?

2008-05-12T22:38:00.011Z

Found my pictures from Warm Springs last year ... this was taken in the grounds of one of the Mercer University campuses - this is the Atlanta one. It's home to McAfee School of Theology - local Baptist seminary ...

They have a cast iron figure of the founder of the school sitting on a bench surrounded by some great saying. This one however, I thought was just particularly funny ...

Would love to go back there and maybe take some classes some time ... would be a whole different experience to SBC ... who knows maybe some time I will ...

Sermon's ...

2008-05-10T22:09:00.004Z

Reading The Preacher King: Martin Luther King Jr. and the word that moved America at the moment. In it Richard Lischer chronicles Martin Luther King Jr.'s life, often using material others choose not to.

Not that far into it yet, but already discovering something of his influences in preaching. The man really knew how to preach - it was clearly a God-given gift. He was surrounded by good preachers, both sustainers and reformers within the African-American church, though he rarely spoke of them. What I know of his speech's (which really were always sermons) I am moved by, though in truth I actually know very little about the man behind these. I'm looking forward to getting more of an insight into this great nation changing man of God.

One thing is evident from the outset though - Martin Luthe King Jr. was a preacher and he was going to preach the Word of God no matter what. His use of language and abilty to convey truth with creativity is something I most definately aspire too. In the prologue Lischer says 'A sermon is a cultic performance of a biblical text among people who identify themselves as Christians.' I like that definition, though I'm sure already that King would say it was a cultic performance of a biblical text amongst people, whether they were Christian or not. While many view the word performance negatively when it comes to preaching and sermons, I don't. While you don't become a different person, you do in a sense do something different. A sermon is, at best, a point where something of heaven touches earth. It is a performance in that we bring the best of us at any given moment and then God uses us to convey His truth, His words, by His Spirit. And like at the end of any performance an actor will give, we have taken on and taken in the role and the message so much that we are spent at the end - exhausted yet exhilerated. What happens next, like with any performance, is up to the listener - those with ears to hear do, and those who don't remain deaf, unresponsive to the invitation to converse with the Almighty.

Yes, a sermon is a cultic performance of a biblical text amongst people, and what a performance it can be! I wonder what kind of cultic performance God and Mark have in store tomorrow ...

Space to reflect ...

2008-04-29T22:00:00.003Z

Haven't blogged in a long, long time. To be fair, have been doing a theological reflection class this semester though ... so much of my blog material (only better possibly) has appeared in course journal.

However, that class is coming to an end and been thinking of ways to continue reflecting, which is now easier to do on a keypad with a computer screen in front of me than it is on paper ... perhaps that in itself is a reflection of college life ... and so this blog is coming out of hibernation.

What shape it will take will be interesting to see, I'm not sure really. Before I have often started something and not finished it (see Soul Survivor posts for example) ... one thing for sure is that there will definately be less of that! To be honest though, it is likely only to ever be me that reads it. But that is ok, for I do not necessarily write for an audience, but write to create space for reflection to take place in order that I may grow and develop. The process of writing is enough.

Now however it is late, and sleep is needed ...

First day back ...

2007-09-18T16:52:00.000Z

Today was the first day back at college after summer break. Was so excited to be heading back, so excited. Summer been so long, and working been so frustrating ... but learnt a lot so I guess it's not been wasted time.

There are many reasons I was excited to get back. Firstly the people - really good to be in contact with them again, their a great bunch. Then there's that my brain will be challenged again ... was beginning to wonder if it still worked! But I think the main thing is that I'm one step closer to finishing. Not in a bad way, like I'm wishing away the time ... but like I'm beginning the next stage of the journey of learning that God's allowing me to undertake at the moment.

This time last year I was so nervous and fearful. The task seemed so daunting and I felt like I knew nothing. In most respects I still know nothing, but I'm no longer as fearful. God brought me through me first year, and though it was hard, it was totally enjoyable. There were times when I wanted to throw books across the room cause I disagreed so strongly (the worship one comes to mind easily) and there were others when I finally found that there were words to express what I'd been feeling inside. The task is still huge, it will still be a challenge ... but boy, am I excited at engaging in it rather than fearing it. I've changed in the last year, I think for the better for the most part, and I wonder what will happen this year? Who will I be this time next year? How will I have grown and been shaped? These questions are filled with so much potential that I can't help but be excited about what lies ahead. And so with that in mind I think I'll take myself out of the library (aren't I a good student - first day back and already in the library!), and homeward ... contemplating some more and asking God to keep the excitment I feel today alive to progress well through the challenges I'll face this year as I seek to be and to live out who He's made me and what He's called me to.

Soul Surivior ... part 2

2007-09-18T16:47:00.000Z

Ok, so I know I always say that I'll finish what I start ... but I don't. Started the blog about Soul Survivor and never finished it ... oops.

However, will make more of an effort. Soul Surivor God spoke to me loads about love, about being good enough and not needing to please Him or live up to some kind of perfect standard He had - I wasn't a disappointment, and gave me an extra peace and I guess filling for the leadership stuff He's called me to at the moment in this student pastor role at EM. Took me a wee while to internalise all that, but thats basicaly it in a few words.

Soul Survivor part 1 ... the quick part!!!

2007-08-07T14:49:00.000Z

For those who still read this blog, am at Soul Survivor this week. How funny - no real proper showers ... but can get internet!!!

God is so good and has been doing amazing stuff here. For me a lot of time has been spent praying for people in the youth group, but also God has been ministering to me. Especially about leadership and the fact that I don't need to be so scared about messing up. I will, but He's bigger than any mess up I can make and He will be working in me and through me, so it's not about me. He's also been revealing more and more to me that I am not a disappointment to Him ... despite what I think and often feel. For me that has been a real revelation this week and I know that will massively impact what happens in the next wee while for me. It's the last day, and there is so much to take in in terms of all that has happened and what God has said ... but it's not over yet. We still have the rest of the afternoon and tonight ... wonder what God still has in store for us here ...

Freedom ...

2007-07-06T16:35:00.000Z

Recently did a Steps to Freedom course with some people (always good to have a spiritual cleanup!), and it really was brilliant. Going to be able to use it with people now as well which is also cool. But been re'reading Captivating by John and Satsi Elderidge

They have a brilliant chapter on healing wounds ... well worth a read and possibly even using in ministry - especially with women.

Been great reading again, especially in relation to ideas they have on women being made in the image of God. I may not agree with it all, and some of it may be quite American etc, but it well worth reading. It's not hugely theological in the way my course books are ... but it is equally as thought provoking.

What kind of Christian am I?

2007-07-06T16:20:00.000Z

I ask this question not in a condemning way, at least not necessarily, but in a 'need to examine myself and my attitudes again' kind of way. This has been the strangest week.

Last Thursday had our church business meeting and on the way there spotted a young boy sitting in a dangerous place by the side of the road. Mum and I drove past, but as we did I looked into his eyes. The look I saw made me ask to turn the car back around so I could get out and ask if he was ok. Turned out his sister had abandoned him with no money and no phone in a place he didn't know and so now he couldn't find his way home ... to Larkhall! So got him to the bus station only to discover no more buses and then phoned his uncle to arrange us to take him home. Good deed done? Well, yes in some ways, but not because I wanted to do a good deed but because it was the 'natural' thing to do. It was natural to help and care for someone.

Then the terror attempt in Glasgow and my Saturday night was spend with friends praying and talking in different ways. Two of them were meant to be leaving for Romania the next day on a mission and we waited to see how they were going to get to Luton and if in fact they would be able to go at all. When one friend heard she was driving the whole hugeness of what was going on took hold and she just burst into tears. Another night spend caring, not strangers, but my precious friends.

But then contrast that with work this week. My attitude has been one of not wanting to be there, of really wanting a new job ... and so the result? Less caring. In a place where I am known as a Christian working in a Christian shop where had my sunny attitude and compassion gone. Needed to ask God to help me get it back today - and so it's been a much better day ... despite all the burning myself and dropping things.

But what kind of Christian am I really? I know I have not always 'been myself' (what kind of a phrase is that!) the past few months, and I'm tired of it. In general though I think I'm just tired of lots of things. See now once again why time out is needed ... you think I'd learn!

So what kind of Christian am I? Not always the kind I'd like to be, but asking God to make me more like Him. I'm the tired kind, in need of some rest (but doing an SU camp instead - go figure!). But most of all I'm the kind of Christian who knows they are weak. I just pray that more and more in my weakness He becomes more and His strength lives in me more.

Long long time ...

2007-06-26T13:48:00.000Z

So it's been a long time since I last 'blogged'. Now, I'm one year into my degree, am becoming more reflective, inquisative, and curious ... but as you can tell not a better speller. This past year has been a time where I have been able to let go of things I'd been holding onto, some without even realising, letting God heal some wounds. It's also been a time where I have been able to grasp onto some new things - experiences, people, places - all of which have helped in shaping me some more. In all of this though I have realised that I've not journalled quite as I should have. This has clearly been evidenced as I've taken some time out to pray and reflect on all the year held. So now I'm back - and ok, this may not be Bebo or myspace - but for me it is my place to share and explore. Let the journalling begin ...

I'm back ...

2007-02-06T23:08:00.000Z

Evonne, think you're the only one that checks this ... but I'll keep it up just for you and me!

Well, I'm back from the USA. Was such an awesome time, and as I get some free minutes in the next couple of days I'll post all my thoughts. Not too tired, but am suffering a little from the jetlag feeling. So glad I had the oppertunity to go though!

Came back to earth with a bang today though ... college started again. this mornings class - faith seeking understanding. Cool, but wordy conceptually for my wee tired brain! Feels cool to re-start again though. Second semesters modules are great titles ... I have the one above, ethics, worship and of couse my continuing encountering the Bible one as well as community and leadership.

The challenge for me this term I think will be time management. I've now taken on a second day a week at Wesley Owen to try and afford driving lessons again. So frustrates me that I can't drive, and means I end up relying on others way more than I want to. Maybe it's related to pride stuff, but think not, just really bugs me. But taking on that extra day means that I will really need to plan and use my other time well. Also means that I'll probably not be able to take anything else on at the moment. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but means I need to definately need to use the word no! Each of the courses is quite big topically as well, so really will need to make the best use of my time to keep up to date, and do the best I can possibly do.

Thinking seriously about giving up Greek. Really not taking it in and really don't have the time to commit to it either at the level I obviously need to in order to understand it. Will talk to Doctor Burrows about it tomorrow proabably, but really struggling with it.

Guess I better go and try and get some decent sleep. Won't do me any favours to yawn my way through ethics tomorrow ... or Greek! Pictures and more info on America will follow, but for now my bed is calling my name!!!

Schools in Georgia ...

2007-01-30T22:48:00.000Z

In America it's really unusual for schools to let Christians into them. Well, this week I've been able to go into quite a few which is one of the best things about this trip.

Yesterday I was in the local private school, and is exactly what you expect when you see nice American school on TV. I got to speak to Grade 4, 5, 7, 8 and 9's ... so I was in lots of classes. I'm not allowed to talk to them about Christian things, but I could tell them all about Scotland, and so all the classes were like question and answer sessions. Everyone is so polite and nice here, and were so happy that I'd come to visit them. A couple of the kids from church were in some of the classes, and so they introduced me, which was quite cool.

Today I was in the Christian school talking with all the different ages. With the younger kids I did the kids talk I had done in church the other week. I got a couple of volunteers that had to come to the front and try to peel and eat a banana using only their teeth. Obviously they couldn't do it. Jim McGillivray, you are still the best at it, no-one else has thought to really rip into it!!! Well, after that I tell them they can use their hands too, and suddenly it's so much easier. We then look at a couple of verses in 1 Corinthians 12 about the church being like a body. The kids loved it! After that little thought (it was their chapel time ... was so funny to see many of them come in with Bibles ... that so doesn't ever happen in Scotland), I told them a little about Scotland. Well, as much as I felt I had their attention for ... about 50 young kids all miming actions for playing the bagpipes was both funny and cute. The older group didn't get a thought for the day, we just had another Q+A session, but we did talk for a while about the differences in churches. Again, was a good time.

Then I had a totally different experience of school yesterday. One of the guys in church runs all the after school programmes for the county, which is where kids stay later after school and work on class work ... either rough kids or not to bright ones, that kind of thing, as well as other reasons. Anyways, we arranged with Joey for me to be able to go to an after school class with 8th Graders (15 year olds), and it was like a total demographic and cultural shock. More than 90% of the class were African American, and there was an obviously different culture, much more like what you see when you look at an inner city American school. To get to the school we had to drive through a really rough and deprived area of town, that we never saw any of when we were here in the summer. It was like a whole different world to the one that I had experienced so far in Warm Springs. The same was true today when I went to another after school, though the differences weren't as stark as yesterday.

Yet, it was the thing that I've loved most since being here. I would really like to go back and spend more time with the young folks, it was such a privedge to be with them ... and people don't often say that about them!

When Jesus met with people He was able to see beyond what people saw on the outside, and that's what I thought when I saw those kids. People are so quick to judge and look down on others, but if we take the time to see beyond the external there is potential and beauty present in everyone (can you tell I'm not a Calvanist!). I had such a great time with the young people. They taught me to 'walk it out' and do the 'two step', and then I taught a few of them how to do a little bit of the highland fling. It was a great time, and they had loads of cool questions and were really interested in the differences between our two countries. Spending time in the after schools reminded me of how scared I was when I started doing LSU (Learning Support Unit) work with young people in high schools, either in workshop courses like behaviour management or self-esteem as well as helping with regular school work, but how by the end it had become my favourite. I may only have spent a short time with those young people yesterday, but it was enough for God to remind me of the little flame of passion I have in my heart for young people like them, and schools work like that.

For now I better go and get ready for the girls Bible Study tonight ... but tomorrows another day with more schools and hopefully more after schools ...

Seminary ...

2007-01-30T22:43:00.000Z

Ok, I am so excited!!!

Bob has arranged for me to go to Mercier Baptist Seminary in Atlanta on Thursday. I'm going to sit in on the preaching class and then in an ethics class, and I'll meet with his friend one of the leading experts in Johannine literature so I'm told. Will be awesome!!!

I love Scottish Baptist College, and this school seems to be as small as it is, so will be great to meet people studying for ministry in a different place.

But, as long as I don't love it too much will definately be coming back to continue at SBC!!!

Warm Springs ...

2007-01-30T22:26:00.000Z

I'm here!!! After a nine hour flight I finally arrived. Bob and Erin met me at the airport, was so so so good to see them. And of course the first thing we did ... go and eat Tex Mex! And the first thing we did when we got back to the new Patterson residence ... have people come over and eat dessert. No, not peach cobbler, but this pastry like thing Bob made. Will maybe attempt it when I come home if I can find some guinea pigs to try it out on!

Sunday was cool here and so busy. At both services I did the readings. We were looking at John 1v1-14 in the lead up to starting the 'Walk Across the Room' evangelism training programme next week. The God Rods that were one of the legacies from the summer performed with the most beautiful signing in it too. The young people had a Bible Study between the two services and Katy the leader of it really did some stuff that tied in with what I'm going to be sharing this week.

Bob and I met with a group of mothers and daughters to talk about baptism and what it means to be a Christian. We don't do that kind of thing, and so I was a little sceptical and thought it would be like bullying them into making decisions ... but I was wrong. Was such a beautiful and special time. The girls had loads of great questions and you could tell they've been thinking about whether they want to become Christians or not.

Sunday night we had the normal youth group Sunday Night Live, where we ate and I did the first session of my Livin' Loud programme. I looked at the life of Rachel Joy Scott, a girl killed in the Columbine High School shootings in 1999 and the kind of life she lived, and then we looked at who Timothy was in the Bible. The key verse for the week is 1 Tim 4v12, telling them not to let anyone look down on them because they're young but to set an example in how they live. To set up the rest of the week we looked at the key words of unimportant, instead, believers, example. Unimportant is pretty self explanitory, instead meant a change of something, one for another, believers was in the church before we even got outside to others and example was what we had to be. The rest of the week focuses in on the examples looking at speech, life, love, faith and purity. After we'd looked at them all, they had to spread out and write their own prayer for the week ahead and what they hoped would happen etc. Was such a good night, and really felt God's presence in it, such an answer to prayer.

Yesterday I was in schools, but at night I had the same youth as Sunday from the church and we went bowling. Was such a laugh! I won came second in my lane in the first game, and then first in a different lane for the second. In reality was just a great team building, fun activity where I could spent time talking and getting to know the young people more in an informal manner before we go on with all the discipleship weekend stuff. Tomorrow I have a session with them on speech, and I think relationships are stronger already because of things like hanging out on Sunday night and last night, so should be a great session.

Flight leaves in T minus 18 hours!!!

2007-01-26T17:31:00.000Z

Flight leaves in 18 hours ... not that I'm counting and totally excited!!! Me ... excitable ... never!!!

Was up until the early hours this morning finishing off some prep atuff, and have just printed out the last session outline. It's finally here and finally happening. Was talking with Bob the other day and forgot to get his address ... been sent it by millions of folks now, so will definately get into the country.

Been thinking today about the different culture I'm going to. Sure, in some ways it's the same, but in others it's totally different. Really felt that last night as I was preparing stuff on purity. So glad God's Word is timeless and therefore the different culture is irrelevant. At the same time though, will be good to experience trying to teach like this in a whole other way than what I'm more used to.

Suit-case just about packed. Have been putting stuff in and taking it out all week. But the stuff that has stayed in is my schools work clothes. Yahey, they're letting me into schools!!! I have no problem not being able to talk about Jesus in the explicit way I would here, if I can just get in and form some links. I'll gladly tell them about Scotland, and hopefully even in that Jesus will be reflected in me. Who knows, Bob was thinking that some of the kids I meet may even come to some of the stuff going on in the week. That would be brilliant! Not for large numbers, but just because it'll enable relationships to be build and kids to get closer to Jesus ... maybe (please Lord) make a decision for Him!!! Ohhh, it's so cool. What an exciting possibility and such an awesome priviledge.

Really prayed into what I should be doing, and loads of it I really feel is the right stuff God's laid on my heart. I really want God to speak through me and use me, challenging and changing me as much as the young people, so I just pray that the stuff thats of me dyes away, so only He remains. The young folk are great, and I really pray that they encounter God in an even deeper way in what goes on. Man, I always just think, look at what they are now, all the stuff that they're into now and the way that they're drawing close to God ... and then I think, what will they be like in 5 years time.

The really disapppointing thing is that some of them may not be walking with God. I've seen it happen in my friends, in youth groups ... and though I pray against it, that may still be the case here. But at the same time, why can't they be different. Imagine what could happen?! Look at their potential, and then add in God who does things that are immersurably more than we can ask or imagine ... and wow, what a picture ......

And that's why I do what I do. Because I want God to use me, not to get a big head, but to help change people's lives. Not because I can do it, but because I know beyond a shadow of doubt He can!

So, off I go to pack, hopefully relax and sleep if I'm not climbing the walls ... and we'll see what happens ...

3 days to go!!!

2007-01-24T14:27:00.000Z

Not that I'm at all excited, but only three days now til I fly back over to Warm Springs. Things really begining to take shape. Was talking to Pastor Bob, Erin and Katie on the phone last night. Everyone seems pretty excited, and the whole thing will be great. Got my schedule through too ... man are they going to work me hard!!! But as they've paid for me to be there really can't complain. And I'd much rather that than sitting around all day.

The schedule is as follows:

Warm Springs Teaching Trip Visit Schedule

Saturday 27th:
Leave Scotland early in the morning.
Fly all day! (Thanks for the book Stewart, will finally get to enjoy it!)
Arrive in Warm Springs in the afternoon.
Hang out and relax with Bob and co.

Sunday 28th:
Early morning service.
Youth Bible Study.
Second morning service.
Youth Discipleship Cafe.
Sunday Night Live (Youth Group at night) - Session 1 of Livin' Loud (1 Tim 4:12)

Monday 29th:
In area schools all day.
Youth activity at night - possibly bowling.

Tuesday 30th:
In area schools all day.
Lunch with Bob at Rotary club.
Girls Bible Study at night.

Wednesday 31st:
In area schools all day.
Church dinner at night.
Youth Bible Study - Session 2 of Livin' Loud (Speech)

Thursday 1st Feb:
Free day ... at the moment

Friday 2nd Feb:
Final prep in morning.
Youth Discipleship Weekend starts - Session 3 of Livin' Loud (Life)
Chill out time.
Sleepover

Saturday 3rd Feb:
Breakfast at church
Youth Session - Session 4 of Livin' Loud (Love)
Fun and games
Youth Session - Session 5 of Livin' Loud (Faith)
Lunch at church
Mission work - social action
Youth Session - Session 6 of Livin' Loud (Purity)
Collapse in a heap!!!

Sunday 4th:
Early morning service / breakfast at church
Youth Session - Session 7 of Livin' Loud (Communion and Commissioning)
Morning Service
Lunch with people
Pack and Leave
Fly all night!

Monday 5th:
Arrive back in the UK
Try not to fall asleep
Go to a meeting related to discipleship stuff
Worship group (?)
Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!

And then it's straight back into college life from the Tuesday!!!

Am so excited about the chance to get into schools!!! We'll see how that all goes. Bob was saying the schools on the Tuesday are Christian, so I may be able to share devotionally and not just about Scotland, but the fact they are letting me in at all is great!

There could be anywhere from 10-25 young people around for the week and the weekend, plus any others that come as a result of hearing about it. That's quite a nice number, and I'm glad the first few days are more relational than teaching. Some of the young folk I'll know a little from the summer, and others not at all, so will be good to get to know them and for them to get to know me. That way when I share what I feel God's led me to, they will hopefully be more open to hear it because we'll have bonded a little.

Also glad that I get to spend some time with just the girls. The Bible Study on Tuesday may help give me some fresh ideas for our girls discipleship group. Bob was telling me last night that he's volunteered his place for the girls to sleep-over in on Saturday night as he has three bathrooms ... so may not get the peace and rest we'd hoped for, but will be able to spend more time hanging out with the girls.

Hopefully will be blogging while I'm away and not just keeping my normal journal, but we'll see how that goes time wise and computer wise. Should be doable though.

Oh, so weird thinking it's just days away now - been months for so long and then whomf, all of a sudden it's here and it's happening. Going to go and carry on with the preparation work for a while just now I think. What a shame that means I have to watch a movie to check content as one of my prep tasks!

Exam over!!!

2007-01-24T14:18:00.000Z

Ok, stress levels can go back to normal once more. Biblical Survey exam over. Wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be - lets hope I'm still saying that after it's greaded though!

All in all first semester both flown in and dragged in. Now that my last assignement for now is handed in, I plan on reflecting on the past few months. Think I'll be doing that especially in relation to things I want to impliment for this coming semester.

But for today, it's all over and I can breathe a sigh of relief!

It's almost here ...

2006-12-21T15:47:00.000Z

Christmas that is!

Actually getting excited this year! When Mark spoke to me and in effect cured my Scroogeness, he did a great job! Guess I've realised that I actually have a whole lot to celebrate. Man, this Christmas is so different to last Christmas. For one, a lot less heartache and tears! Things have settled a little more at home, and living in Scotland is normal again, and I'm totally content in that. Where I am in life is so different now too. So many of my friends have now gotten married, and I can rejoice whole-heartidly in that. I've started uni, and am surviving, though have tons to do. Relationship wise, friendships have changed and grown stronger, then of course there's Stewart. Yeah, things are good this Christmas and there are many reasons to rejoice.

That's what the shepheards did when they encountered Jesus. And the wise men. Plus there was Mary and Joseph's reactions. Guess in all the comercialism and all the other stuff that comes with Christmas that's the key thing to remember. It's all about Jesus!

Nothing new in that thought, but one worth pondering again. When these people met Jesus, even as a tiny baby, they were radically and totally transformed. Their lives were turned upside down, inside out and back to front (as Gav would say). And I have encountered that same Jesus. The tiny baby born in a stable, where no-one took much notice. The boy, wise beyond His years. The man, gentle yet strong, accepting yet confronting. The Saviour, hanging on a tree, beaten and bruised for my freedom and life. The Risen One, full of hope, life, love and promise. That Jesus. That wonderful Jesus.

And my response is like that of the shepheards:

'[They went] praising God and thanking him for everything they had seen and heard.'

Luke 3v20 (NCV)

Praising God for everything they had seen and heard, they didn't just retain a passing interest, it was a pertinent, possessive interest, consuming them so they were never the same again. I come to Christmas this year, praising God with all my being for all I have seen and heard Him do!

"My soul praises the Lord;

my heart rejoices in God my Savious,

because he has shown his concern

for this humble servant girl.

From now on, all people will say that I am blessed,

because the Powerful One has

done great things for me.

His name is Holy.

God will show his mercy forever and ever

to those who worship and serve him.

He has done mighty deeds by his power..."

Luke 1v46(b)-51(a)

It is finished

2006-12-14T15:48:00.000Z

It is finished ... well at least the teaching part. I have now officially completed all the teaching sessions for my first semester at uni. Now all I need to do is a million and one assignements and things for exam revision it feels like ... but I'm getting there. The first part is complete.

Looking forward to Christmas now I'm cured of my scroogeness. Will be a wonderful time. Really excited about Erin, Katie and Josh coming over too. It will be so good just to spend time with them hanging out. Sharing Scotland with them will also help me see it again in new ways too, with a new freshness.

As well as all the uni assessment stuff to do over Christmas really need to get down to writing all the stuff for going back to Warm Springs. Have some of it in my head just now - it just needs to come out. Thoughts so far:

Intro session / Session one: Livin' Loud (theme), 1 Timothy 4:12 (text), story / narrative (preaching style)
Session 2: Speech (theme), James chapters 3-4; 5:12 (texts), teaching (preaching style)
Session 3: Life (theme), Micah 6:1-8 (text), interactive / doing - using World Trade Game as well as Pink song in session (preaching style)
Session 4: Love (theme), 1 John 3 / 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (texts), experiencial (preaching style)
Session 5: Faith (theme), Mark 5:21-43 (text), narrative / experiencial / doing (preaching style)
Session 6: Purity (theme), text undecided as well as preaching style
Session 7 / final session: Surrender (theme), Isaiah 53 (text), experiential / doing (preaching style) - session will also include communion and commissioning out again.

As well as doing it thematically, which I'm not sure now was maybe the best way of working, I'm also going to experiment with different sermon preaching styles which should be interesting. Aim is to have the intro session, session 3 and session 5 written by the New Year. The final session is already written. Going to be an interesting journey and adventure.

Better go now though, and have fun with some Mark commentaries for my sermon assessment ... looking at Jesus calming the storm, not what I'm going to be doing in Warm Springs. Is great getting to grips with a passage and asking God what He might want to say out of it now ... lovign it!

Advent challenge ...

2006-12-06T22:45:00.000Z

Ok, so I'm the biggest Christmas scrooge, I admit it ... well I was.

That was until I was challenged by Mark yesterday ... he said he used to be like that until someone asked him who should be the one with the most to celebrate. The answer of course is me! Jesus was born at Christmas time ... for me! Jesus came to earth ... for me! Jesus was God incarnate ... for me! Jesus became the Saviour ... for me! So who should have the most to celebrate at Christmas ... me!

Thought stayed in my mind last night as I spent time with Stewart and his family. They are all so close and loving, and I realised that that kind of thing should make me even more thankful. Funny that, love changes things. And seeing real love in action as well as word began to errode at the part of me that rebels against Christmas - not because I don't believe in what it means, but because I dislike what it's come to mean. But in disliking it I'm adding to the problem, and not really reflecting it's true meaning.

Love. Love from God in the form of a baby boy, who would grow up and treat people with love and compassion. Who would bring me closer to God in word, and show me the love of God in deed. Who, in all that He was, and is, and will be, is love.

Today, Jim reminded us in prayers that, yes, the picture may be bleak, but thats not the end - 'aye, thats wit ye think!' And as I left for coffee and a mince pie (thank you Father for the person who delivered them to the common room!), I found myself singing 'Oh come, oh come, Immanuel ...' and truely meaning it - without it being Christmas Eve in a dimly lit church.

So, do I have the right to be a Christmas scrooge? Not anymore! After all, I have so much to celebrate!

"His name will be wonderful
Counselor, Powerful God,
Father Who Lives Forever, Prince of Peace.
Power and peace will be in his kingdom
and will continue to grow forever.
He will rule as King on David's throne
and over David's kingdom.
He will make it strong
by ruling with justice and goodness
from now on and forever.
The Lord All-Powerful will do this
because of his strong love for his people."
Isaiah 9v6(b)-7 (NCV)

Feeling better ...

2006-12-05T23:48:00.000Z

Had a good few days which I think is noteworthy!

Been feeling pants with relations to God for quite a little while. Came to a head this weekend for various reasons, and though I'm still working through some of that with Him, things are definately improving. Think God helped me see that He can be silent and thats ok. Also think He helped me see that He loves me still in what I see as my unlovely state.

Song from this weekend's services at church that reflect that:

Majesty (Here I Am)

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Written by Stu Garrard/Martin Smith ©2003 Curious? Music UK
Taken from the World Service album

Isn't is great how music stirs and moves the soul. There is definately something in music that goes deep with me ... I feel ... I experience ... I am changed when I listen to music. It's both what is played and what is sung though that has the effect, they are both needed. Lines like: 'here I am, knowing that I'm Your desire, sanctified by glory and fire.' How emotive! Or 'Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in Your hands.' Even just singing 'Majesty'!

So thank You Father that You are moving in me and taking me from where I was. It has been so lonely and empty and silent. Thank You that Your grace has found me right in that place. Thank You that I can be alive again in You. Thank You that I have been, am now and will always be Your desire. You are my desire too!

The glad game ...

2006-12-01T23:31:00.000Z

As usual work was a nightmare today. Jaw still sore, and all the talking and smiling I had to do made it worse ... which some just found funny ... think people like the idea of me not being able to talk much!

When I lived with Liz and co in Essex we used to play this game from a film ... foget the name right now ... but was called "the Glad Game". I would get the kids from the school bus, we would come home, Liz would have made hot chocolate, we would play the penguin eating challenge, and tell about the bits of the day we had to be glad about. Was really helpful on lots of days, took the focus off the negative and put it on the positive.

If I were playing it with them today this would be my contribution:

Crawford (my fav old man) came in with his wife today. Always really encouraging to see them. Was chatting with the wifie (so bad that I do not know her name!) for quite a while. She was commenting on how I am not in as much, so I told her what I was doing. She thinks I will be a great church and schools youth worker - was so encouraging in her comments!
There is another older couple who used to come in a lot, and I got quite close to the wife. She popped in today too, wanting to know when I was working so she could come and get something to eat and catch up with me. Not seen her in ages, and was missing her. Hopefully she will come in again soon and we can catch up properly ... she was even asking after Stewart which was really sweet!

So there we go, my glad game contirbutions of today ... really does help you focus on the good and not the bad!

It's all about looks ...

2006-11-30T23:01:00.001Z

Ok, so went to the doctors today. Was asking about some pills, and he asked if I was taking them for my face. Way to make a girl feel good! Especially when thats not why I'm taking them! Tonight at girls group the girls were slagging me at one point. All innocent like. Think I'd said something, or one of them had, and it just hadn't come out right. As usual that kinda thing was jumped on right away! If I will open myself up to it! Similar thing just happened with Stewart on the phone. Again, totally innocent.

But, all day had negative comments about myself going through my head. Been watching the story with Matilda unfolding in 'Home and Away', and though it may sound sad, can totally identify with it. Know what it's like to feel so ugly and stupid and useless.

Know I've come so far, and know I probably won't ever go back to how bad things were before, but still have off days. And in general this is just an off time. Was writting about it in my book journal the other day cause felt too bad to even write it here. Funny how it always comes back to looks. Looks and personality. Seems like it's just a continuous hurdle, one you just get over, only for it to come back again in another form. So determined for things to be different, but fall every time. No matter whether it's about boys, image, whatever.

Seasons, everything comes in seasons. Guess this is just a tough season. Stewart's mum was talking to me on Monday morning about how sometimes you get a season where God totally withdraws, and you need to just keep going cause He wants you to be desperate for Him. Still in that season. Ties in with what Ali was talking about tonight too, that sometimes when we feel like this we need to keep talking to God. Need to talk to Him first, make the extra effort, not just give up until He speaks, after all why should he. As we were driving home we had on the Delerious? album where the line was

'God didn't make a mistake when He made ya,
He's the Father who loves to parade ya.'

Help me feel that God. Help me get back to the place where I'm happy and content with me. Where I like me again and amn't so negative. Where I can look, value and appreciate what You've made. Help me also to find joy in life again. To know You're there and You're real regardless of my feelings. You made me, body, mind, soul, emotions. Please help me keep a handle on them, keep perspective, keep control. I don't want to be hypocritical, teaching the girls one thing, but living another way. Help me through this season and this valley so I can be on the mountain top with you once more.
Amen

That's My King!!!

2006-11-29T20:24:00.000Z

THAT'S MY KING!

The Bible says my King is a seven-way king
He's the King of the Jews; that's a racial king
He's the King of Israel; that's a national King
He's the King of Righteousness
He's the King of the Ages
He's the King of Heaven
He's the King of Glory
He's the King of kings, and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.
Well....I wonder, do you know Him?

David said, "The Heavens declare the glory of God and the
firmament showeth His handiwork."
My King is a sovereign King.
No means of measure can define His limitless love.
No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility
the coastline of His shoreless supply.
No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings.
He's enduringly strong.
He's entirely sincere.
He's eternally steadfast.
He's immortally graceful.
He's imperially powerful.
He's impartially merciful.
Do you know Him?

He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world.
He's God's Son.
He's the sinner's Savior.
He's the centerpiece of civilization.
He stands in the solitude of Himself.
He's august and He's unique.
He's unparalleled.
He's unprecedented.
He is the loftiest idea in literature.
He's the highest personality in philosophy.
He is the supreme problem in higher criticism.
He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology.
He is the cardinal necessity for spiritual religion.
He's the miracle of the age.
He's -- yes He is –
He is the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him.

He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient Savior.
I wonder if you know Him today?
He supplies strength for the weak.
He's available for the tempted and the tried.
He sympathizes and He saves.
He strengthens and sustains.
He guards and He guides.
He heals the sick.
He cleansed the lepers.
He forgives sinners.
He discharges debtors.
He delivers the captives.
He defends the feeble.
He blesses the young.
He serves the unfortunate.
He regards the aged.
He rewards the diligent....and He beautifies the meek.
I wonder if you know Him?

Well, my King....He is the King!
He's the key to knowledge.
He's the wellspring of wisdom.
He's the doorway of deliverance.
He's the pathway of peace.
He's the roadway of righteousness.
He's the highway of holiness.
He's the gateway of glory.
Do you know Him?

Well, His office is manifold.
His promise is sure....and His light is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
And His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.
I wish I could describe Him to you,
but He's indescribable -- Yes He is!? He is God!
He's incomprehensible.
He's invincible.
He's irresistible.
Well, you can't get Him out of your mind.
You can't get Him off of your hand.
You can't out live Him, and you can't live without Him.

The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him.
Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him.
The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree.
Herod couldn't kill Him.
Death couldn't handle Him, and the grave couldn't hold Him.
Yea!!!, that's my King, that's my King.

Yes, and Thine is the Kingdom....and the Power....and the Glory....Forever....and ever, and ever, and ever – How long is that?
And ever, and ever.

And when you get through with all of the forevers, then. AMEN!
Good God Almighty! AMEN! AMEN!

Dr. Lockridge
(That's my King - preached in Detroit 1976)

Now that's one amazing preach!!! He really knew God, had a grasp on His awesomeness and His vastness. Each time I hear this, it doesn't seem to matter where I am with God - doing good or bad - it always stirs me in my spirit!

Can't work out how to put it on the blog, but here's a cool link where you can watch a video with the words and some good images:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnTskwvR7Qo

Where's the honesty gone ...

2006-11-23T23:04:00.000Z

T asked me an interesting question this afternoon. Telling me to be honest he asked me if I was glad I had come to the college. After a pause I responded. That pause was very telling.

I guess I am to an extent as am learning loads. Have to keep holding to the fact I know God said that I could study - and in particular I was to study there though. But, actually, gladness, well, not sure. Feels like I spend a good majority of the time just asking myself what the heck I am doing there - trying to keep hold of the fact God sees the bigger picture even if I don't.

Still finding life with God a total struggle at the moment. Was with the girlies tonight, talking to them about stuff to do with being a Christian and life - but actually feeling a little hypocritical. Am I actually living it in truth right now. Answer, no. Life with Jesus feels like it makes no difference at all, and that it's a battle every day. The strange thing is, that I would rarely tell people I feel like that. In reality, who would I tell?

Spoke to L about it last night. Haven't even mentioned it to S at all. Try to talk to God about it, but feels like I'm either talking to thin air or that it's hitting off the wall. No-one else has a clue. Not sure if I don't mention it because I'm not sure what people's reackons would be, don't want to disappoint them ... maybe it's because I don't want to let people see my weakness and failings ... or maybe its actually also because in reality we do rarely talk about when being in relationship with God is the hardest thing thats going on. On a whole as Christians, unless its someone you're really open and honest with (like I am with L), then you talk about struggles, hardships, temptations ... but all in the context of having Jesus ... not in the context of feeling like even life with Jesus is the struggle. And if you do mention it, when you've plucked up the courage, people just don't engage with you on it - they cover it with neat and tidy pat answers. Remember having M as a mentor once. She wasn't my Christian mentor, but was mentoring me on my eating and self-image mainly. She wasn't a Christian, though she was exploring church, and actually one of the nicest things was the freedom to be totally honest with her and not get the ususal expected answers.

Where has that type of honesty gone. That raw, total honesty. Why don't I have it with people, and why is it so hard to find and keep. At the same time - why does it feel like this struggle is never ending. I know it will, because I know the neat, tidy answers to questions like these. But like we were discussing in preaching class today - you need to feel it. And I don't feel it - I feel about as far from it as I could get just now.

All that out now, I'm going to bed.

Mum's car stuck in a ford. She was in it before she knew it was there - need to wait til tomorrow to see whats going to happen with it, and what exactly the state of damage is etc. Talk about something we didn't need as a family right now! Still, L comes to stay tomorrow for the next couple of nights which will be cool. E's getting married on Saturday, and old friends will be united, can't wait. Nervous about the wedding with S on Sunday, don't want to show him up at all, want to be the best I can be for him. Still sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for him, but know thats just something I need to learn to deal with - I need to not think like that because it's so distructive. Still, don't see what a guy like hims doing with a girlie like me.

Ok, it really is bed time now. Need to get up at silly o'clock for work in the morning, and am just so shattered at the moment. Here's hoping I actually get some decent sleep ...

Interesting fact of the day ...

2006-11-21T23:11:00.000Z

G was leading student prayers today and though I don't remember all he said, I do remember the interesting fact he told us about fruit. Apparently if you place a piece of ripe fruit next to another piece of fruit then it will ripen faster.

Was thinking about that in relation to Jesus. Passage in question for today was from Hebrews 10v10-14, 19-25. End of the passage talks about the fact that now we have atonement because of Jesus we can boldly enter God's presence, drawing near to God in full assurance. In terms of fruit, then I guess that relates to what I was thinking about last night. If I'm closer to Jesus, then He'll 'ripen' me - but it's my choice to enter. And at the moment that choice feels really hard. Don't remember the last time I felt this insecure or dry. It's like God and I have a relationship where He talks sometimes, I listen sometimes, but the intimacy is hard to come by. Want to know that assurance of the blood of Jesus cleansing me, so that I can boldly enter in full confidence.

My Bible notes for today really hit on some of that as well. Here's a little excerpt (Inspiring Women Everyday)
'You cannot fulfil God's purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans. Just when you have dealt with self and are enjoying you newfound journey with Jesus, our will rears its ugly head again! ... True surrender of the will is, without a doubt, based on complete confidence in the One to whom it is surrendered, and yeilding ourselves to the One in whom we have put our trust.'

Think my will is not trying to stop me fulfilling God's purposes as such ... I think it's more clinging to an old way of life. I know I need to let it go, but it's much nicer to just leave things the way they are. Know I can't do that. Maybe thats the truth, that the reality is that I'm not intimate with Jesus because I'm avoiding it. I know that intimacy with Him means that I need to change some things, let some things go, and I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, but maybe the truth is actually that I'm hurting myself more in my dishonesty. Everytime I begin to think I've dealt with something, or that finally I'm over something, either I slip back into old ways, or God turns up the heat on it again. I know that He does it to refine me, but its hot! I know its for my own good, but sometimes its harder to surrender to it than at other times.

Was watching Mattie in Home And Away tonight, where she tried to cover up that she had bulemia. Now, I've been there with the whole eating disorder thing, so not too hard to get into her mind. But felt like I could identify with her just now too, the pushing people away because you don't want them to get too close. Too close means they see the 'real' you, and means they could hurt you or reject you. So you kind of use other methods and push everything under the carpet, you cope. But really your dying inside. I feel like a mix of emotions inside at the moment, some of which I can explain the reason for, and others I can't, but it feels like I'm dying inside at times. At others it just feels numb, punctuated with times that feel really good, but don't last. Last week I nearly bit S's head off when he tried to explore why I said something. He kept pushing it because he cares, and because he thinks its important. But I had barriers up good and proper. We talked about how there should be none between us, and how we should actively seek to take them down, but right there and then I just couldn't. I pushed him away. Just like I push God away on a daily basis, or hold Him at arms length, keeping things on my terms, afraid to surrender and give my all because then I have no control. It all comes down to control in the end I guess. I hate the feeling of being out of control, and giving myself completely to God on every single thing means I'd be completely out of control.

Just had the sudden realisation, this is where I always end up. Sometimes the issues change, but always comes back to control. God wants to be in control of my life, and I won't surrender it completely. I stay in the Valley, powerless and presenceless, because I haven't been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Jim was talking on Sunday night about how to survive and have power and presence in the Valley (of life) then we needed to have been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Not that we needed to stay there, but we needed to have at least been there. Was talking out of the Transfiguration in Mark 9.

Aside from the me stuff, there were also some things that he kept saying that seemed out of context, but seemed to speak to me about S and I, haven't been able to get them out my mind since. Like I said, it seemed out of context, and totally wouldn't have spoken to at least half the congregation. He kept saying that we should let God influence and decide who we go out with, and who we marry. He must have said it at least three times. Its been on my mind ever since - ain't it funny that God still speaks some stuff to me when I'm fighting with Him on surrendering everything to Him.

Before I started going out with S, while we were still in the 'going on dates' stage, I was praying about whether I should get together with him - after my last relationship, needed to be sure God was ok with it - and I felt God give me a real peace. Really sensed Him saying that it was ok, he was right for me, and at the right time we'd get together, I didn't need to stress. So I didn't, and after about six weeks we got together. About four months down the line I began to think that we weren't communicating well, and so should we split. As usual, didn't talk to S, other than to worry him, but thankfully before I did, God showed me that I was not close to Him, so how could I be close to S. Very true, and so I spoke to him about it, and it all got sorted out. Now, here I am six months in, and I'm questioning things again. Not in a bad way, not like I wanna split up with him ... that couldn't be further from the truth. But last week I couldn't tell him about how I feel about myself ... I was awake half the night thinking about 'us' stuff, and as a result had a 'fat day' today. The 'us' stuff was about how we talk about God and church stuff - but actually do we encourage each other. We're intimate in some ways, and I don't want that to change necessarily, but feels like we look to everywhere else but each other for spiritual support. He goes to the guys, I have L and the girls. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself, but actually we avoid each other a bit when it comes to spiritual stuff - we talk about some stuff, but then our spiritual sides are totally cut off from each other.

If God's allowed me to go out with him, I would even go as far as to say brought us together, then why are we so cut off from each other when it comes to God? God's stopped me making a mistake and breaking up with him in the time we've been together, yet we're not growing together spiritually. We both want to honour God and serve Him, but it feels as though that just always happens totally independant of each other. I'm not quite sure how to fix this, and I'm totally not saying that we need to start going to church together or anything like that ... I'm just acknowledging the fact that this just doesn't feel right.

Apart from the bit in Hebrews from this morning that talks about entering into the presence of the Most Holy, it also says that we 'consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds.' (v24) I want to be and do that for S in our relationship as much as anything else. And as much as I do that for other friends and they do that for me. Know I need to chat with him about it, helps just to get it all out first. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight now that I've verballised some of what I'm feeling. Who knows!

Guess the prayer from the end of my notes sums everything up well:
'Lord, I give You my regrets, my problems, my past, my future, my ambitions, my dreams, my weaknesses, my habits, my hurts, my will. Amen.'

And now I guess I should go to bed ... brain still active, so praying I sleep ...

A fresh challenge ...

2006-11-20T23:39:00.000Z

Haven't posted in a while, which is all about to change again. Finding it harder and harder work to keep my personal journal at the moment, for a whole variety of reasons, so hoping this might work better instead.

Was reading someone else's blog the other day where they muzzed on blogging being a public reflection, and today he was thinking of it along the lines of prayer. Think this is what I want my blog to be about, reflection and prayer finding expression.

Finished reading the book about Rachel Joy Scott again tonight. Have been re-struck with how she was in her journals, how she poured out herself in them, being who she truely was. Rachel was killed in the Columbine high school shooting, 20 April 1999. She was 17, only two years older than me - but a whole lot older in her maturity and understanding of God than I was / am. In her journals she reflected about all that she was seeing, feeling, going through - she cried out to God from the depths of her soul and she praised God with the whole of her being. Rachel had a living and vibrant relationship with God, that found words in what she expressed through journals. Her parents only found her journals in the weeks and months after her death, and for them it put into words what they had seen in their daughters life. Letting us see them in the book (Rachel's Tears), they invited us into the life of their daughter, and I have been encouraged, inspired and deeply challenged all over again.

Yet, if she hadn't have died, I would never have seen them, and they'd never have had the impact on me they have. For many years she's been my little inspiration, but reading the book once more has brought it all to the forefront of my mind. I read it in order to write about her with accuracy for an American talk, but I think I have been challenged more than I will maybe challenge others. For weeks now I have felt like my relationship with God has lost it's vibrancy and intimacy. Mainly it's because it's me thats changed, not Him, and we're working on it together. Yet, it still feels like such a slog. I know it is worth it, and I can't imagine living without Jesus in my life at all. Reading the book though has just continued the challenge to get back to that place where Jesus is my all in all, and where He totally has my all - not just in lip service, but in reality. I guess thats it in a nut-shell, to have the reality of God in my life again.

Think thats why I want to blog again, why I feel challenged to journal (and in turn blog) again. That way I can publically reflect, and who knows, God may use it to speak to someone else. More than that though, for me it can once again be the prayer that used to be my handwritten journals. Where the reality of God being in my life can be explored and expressed. A place where I can cry out to God from the depth of my soul, and praise Him with my whole being too.

What I long for is a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus. If it's what I long for, it's about time I began to actively pursue it ...

Oh, and here's what the book looks like for any that may wish to read it. They come with a warning though - prepare to be challenged!

Rachels Tears
First book by her parents about her life and death, with journal entries throughout.
(The one I've just finished)

Rachel's Smiles
Follow up book by her dad looking at the qualities she thought could start a ripple effect, a chain reaction - things like compassion, love, kindness etc.

Type her name into a search engine and you have a wealth of information about her life, journals and art, and death - have a look for yourself. She has deeply affected the lives of loads of people, just like she knew God would somehow use her too.

Back from USA ...

2006-07-13T20:46:00.000Z

Well, I'm back finally ... not just back blogging again, but back from Warm Springs. The mission was amazing!!! In some respects feels like the two weeks have flown by, and in others like it took forever ... but either way, I'm back in the UK and the mission is over ... though the effects and consequences are not!!!

I loved every minute of it, and it really was awesome to wake up there every morning knowing I'd been dreaming about doing mission in USA since I was 13, and now God had opened the door for that to happen! The people were all amazing too, and I'm only back a few hours, but I miss them all tons already. Have begun my saving for next trip out there ... so far it amounts to about £50 in total ... but at least I'm on my way!!!

Haven't really had a proper chance to sit and reflect on it all yet, but I will do over the next few days I'm sure. Feel like God blessed me heaps in the people I met, but that he also taught me a lot ... most of which I'm not even aware of yet. Looking forward to just taking some time and getting it all down on paper (or computer!). The great think is that we never really fought as a team, and we're all so much closer than when we left and went out there. Feel that's going to be really important in the next little while in the church and in us as a group.

Think I'm going to just give up and head to bed now as can't really stay awake much longer and have splitting headache! Honoured that God chose me to go to such an awesome place, and praying for the chance to return and see what He's all done and doing soon!!!

Strength for all things ...

2006-06-09T21:29:00.000Z

"I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me
[I am ready for anything and equal to anything
through Him who infuses inner strength into me;
I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]."
Philippians 4v13

This week has been beyond crazy, and I can testify that this verse is so so so true! Work has been hectic with people on holiday, off ill, having staff walk out, you name it! Each day feels like it's been a mountain to climb and the goal has been to just get through it and survive. I've never been as tired for ages as I am this week ... reminds me of when I was just always on the go and started to get ill. Outside of work life is crazy busy, and there just never seems enough hours in the day to get everything done. I constantly battle with not feeling like I'm doing a good enough job, and that I'm constantly letting people down. But it's Friday and I've survived. Can totally say it's just down to God. I'm still standing, and thanks to Him I still have a smile. Despite all the craziness of not just work, but life in general, God has given me a real joy this week. Been reading my Bible every chance I've had, and some of the stuff God's been saying through it has been simply amazing. Take Tuesday's verse in my devotional for example:

"Honour and majesty are found in His presence;
strength and joy are found in His sanctuary."
1 Chronicles 16v27

Yesterday's verse was just as timely, and all I could do all day was meditate on it and let it soak deep into my being and outpour in all the things I did in the day, all the 'stuff':

"Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul),
as [something done] for the Lord and not for men,
knowing [with all certainty] that you will recieve the inheritance
which is your [real] reward."
Colossians 3v23

I mean how awesome is that. I've found in the last few days that as I focus on doing everything for Jesus, no matter what it is at all, with an attitude of gratitude and worship, then it becomes no hassle at all. People don't annoy me as much, there is a song for everything, and there is a smile on my face. Guess I kinda lost that in the last few weeks. Not quite sure what changed, but something did. God is just so gracious in using the circumstances of this week to bring me back into that place of joy. As one of my favourite Psalms puts it:

"Create in me a pure heart, God,
and make my spirit right again.
Do not send me away from you
or take your Holy Spirit away from me.
Give me back the joy of your salvation.
Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit."
Psalm 51v10-12

Was given another awakening though. My manager at work's partner died this week. Although he had been really ill, he seemed to be improving not that long ago, and so it came as a shock. She came into work today, and though she wanted to appear so strong, you could see she was so broken. By the time I'd chatted with her and she left, I was ready just for crying because my heart broke for her so badly. The funerals tomorrow, so I'm going to go to the main service before leaving for Frenzy. She seemed really glad about that. Just want her to know that she's totally in our thoughts and prayers, that we're all here to support her in whatever way we can. I stopped and just thought that I have no reason to complain, but every reason to rejoice. Yes, I may be totally physically and sometimes emotionally drained, but God is renewing me spiritually every day. Not just spiritually either, but He gives me the physical and emotional strength to get through everything each day brings. I have my health, my family, an amazing boyfriend, great friends, an awesome church, a job, a roof over my head, food and clothes ... the list is endless, which means the reasons I have to praise are endless. It's like Paul says, all our troubles are momentary compaired with what comes next. And in reality at the end of the day I have Jesus and know my future is secure. So I can rejoice and praise in all circumstances ... especially now when I have a much easier load to carry than others around me.

So this week has taught me a lot and given me loads to think about. God is strong and faithful, able to keep me strong and faithful, supplying all my needs. And just that thought alone spurs me on ...