Jonathon was having his day off yesterday so was stuck on dishes all day in Chapter House. Actually wasn't that bad, and I was having one of those weird days when you feel all emotional for no apparent reason. You know the kind where you don't even really wanna talk to people.
Anyway, never read it, but have heard loads about Brother Lawrence's book 'Practicing the Presence of God', and I guess in a small way thats what I got to do. Doing the job gave m a weird satisfaction, as did knowing that even that was worship to God.
But, probably the biggest thing being on the dishes for all those hours did for me was give me some time and space to be with God. The night before when Jo and Alison were praying for me God really floored me. I mean, He was putting things in my head and then telling Jo who'd speak them out too. And the stuff was pretty huge for me. I thought I was dealing with the whole Mark stuff, and relationships, and where my security comes from etc ... or at least was putting up a good front thinking it'll get better ... but thankfully God knows it all already, regardless of if I try and hide it. And I know that He'll help me continue to work out the struggles I'm having at the moment. But yesterday, it was still very much on my mind, and so was a real blessing to be given space.
I have to say that I haven't really gotten anything any more sorted in my head, but I have started reading 'Authentic Beauty' again, a little later than God first told me, and I will work through all the added bits I skipped before. But before I'd even gotten to work God had reminded me that I was His. Was listening to Louie Giglio on the Soul In The City DVD (working through his talks at the moment), and building on all God taught me last week (the I am not, but I know I AM stuff that is), God reminded me that His name was 'Be'. I just needed to 'be' with Him, and that I really am His 'be-loved'. When I'm really struggling in the whole love, singleness, relationships, security stuff that really is a great thing for me to hear. And I need to remember that my attitude should first and foremost be to want to bless His name, regardless of the season I'm going through. I want to want to love Jesus with all I have, am and are going to become. To really know His Truth, and what it means to be His and have Him as mine. Despite having been a Christian for 10 years this year, I haven't quite grasped hold of that fully yet.
So Father, please help me to be honest with You. To really open up my heart to You, letting You into all the places I try to hide or put a brave face on. Show me how to grieve and how to really leave the past with You and break the chains and the ties that bind me up. Some of them have been loosened, but I know that You don't even want to leave me just in that place. I know You long to free me, and despite my stubornness, resistence, pride, freakishness, that's what I long for too. But it's funny how you can long for something, and know it'd be so great, but are so scared of the pain that You keep a hold of it. I guess I figure if I keep it hidden away, or have my fist clenched tightly round it then I have an excuse to feel the way I do, or behave the way I do ... and sometimes it's even just so I have a sense of security and a feeling of being in control, even if it's quite twisted in logical terms. You're the God that gives and takes away. Regardless of my feelings or my circumstances You are the Unchanging God, the same yesterday, tday and forever. You are still holy, and worthy, and awesome. You are still full of grace and mercy and love. You're name is still the one that deserves praise and honour and blessing. Thank You for keeping opening my eyes to the fact that You delight in Me. Help me to not belittle that, and realise that You really are all I need. Thank You for saving me, and for being patient with me as we continue to 'work out my salvation' on a daily basis. I know I can be so thick sometimes, and you really have to keep telling me things over and over again before I get them. Help me grow and mature in hearing from You and acting on it straight away without all the doubts or twenty million questions. And help me to leave my love story and my life story in Your hands. Help me to daily let You have the pen, put You in the driving seat. I'm such a control freak, and can hold on to things so tight. I pray I'd be able to let go and let You be God in everything in whatever way You should choose. I am not God, but You are. I am not strong, in fact I'm really weak, but You are strength. I'm not in control, but You are. I don't know what the future holds, but You do. And You are trustworthy. I am not, that I am painfully aware of. Please keep opening my eyes to the fact the You Are. That I am not, but I really do know I Am. Thank you Daddy
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
College update ...
Yahey! Had the best wee package waiting for me when I got home from work today. Was this years prospectus for the Baptist College. Send off my application about two weeks ago, so been waiting on something from them since then. Was a lovely wee note from Isabella saying they were looking forward to me starting to study there in September, and they'd send out all the course fee details in about a month. Will give her a wee call on Monday as I thought I had to go for interviews etc. Will just find out how that all works, and then if I am in, get a letter from them so I can start getting funding sorted, student account sorted etc. But so, so, so excited, looks like I'm finally gonna get a chance to be a proper student!!!
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
My week ...
Well, it's been a strange wee week...
Been stressing for ages about some of my friendships, but got most of that sorted last week. Such a huuuuggggeeeee answer to prayer!!! Had a brilliant dinner and catch up with Jo last week. Was so good just to enjoy some time relaxing together and getting to know each other more again. Claire, Linda and I had a girlie night on Saturday, and they introduced me to 'The Bodyguard'. Brilliant movie and amazing soundtrack ... where have I been all these years!!! Meeting Evonne is proving difficult, and so that's still a major prayer concern.
Did the Christian teaching for the BB on Friday night. If I'm honest I was dreading it. If it had been a group of girls I'd have been there in an instant, but not a group of boys. I had to eat my words! I loved it! The younger ones were cool to talk to because they didn't really know much to begin with, so that was fun. The older ones knew more, with many more questions. Some of the older ones have become Christians in the last few months, and you can really see a hunger in them to know more of God and how things apply into their lives. I came home well excited and can't wait 'till I go back and do more this Friday!
Sunday morning was very cool with Jim talking about goodness. Basically his main point was that kindness is an emotion and goodness is an action. As Christians we need to be showing goodness to people in a way that goes above and beyond anything we could do humanly. That's one of the marks of a growing Christian, and that's what helps point people to Jesus. Jen Diack got baptised on Sunday night which was well cool! The service was great, and the whole place just felt really rich with the presence of God in a tangible way. She was so funny when she was sharing her testimony, which is so powerful. She summed it up so well when she said that she came home from seeing her mum ion hospital and realised that if she died that night then she was going to hell and that wasn't a good thought! God is really at work in her and it's amazing to see. After we had some worship with the band. There was just a few of us, but it was really free and I really felt able to sing and move about however I wanted to ... and just had the most intimate time with my Father.
Also got offered a job in the cafe in Wesley Owen, which has now been made full-time. Started on Monday, and loving it so far. Really nice atmosphere, and the people are so friendly. Really cool chatting with the customers, and many want to share something God's done in them which is a real blessing to me. Sad to have left H Samuels (Saturday was my last day), was really beginning to build up good relationships. But, I'll keep in touch with a few people from there, so guess that's cool. Makes a change being in a staff room where it's normal to see Bibles and Christian books though! Was off today, but back tomorrow so looking forward to that ... though not so sure I'm looking forward to the 7:30 start!
So that's been my week so far ... so exciting ...
Been stressing for ages about some of my friendships, but got most of that sorted last week. Such a huuuuggggeeeee answer to prayer!!! Had a brilliant dinner and catch up with Jo last week. Was so good just to enjoy some time relaxing together and getting to know each other more again. Claire, Linda and I had a girlie night on Saturday, and they introduced me to 'The Bodyguard'. Brilliant movie and amazing soundtrack ... where have I been all these years!!! Meeting Evonne is proving difficult, and so that's still a major prayer concern.
Did the Christian teaching for the BB on Friday night. If I'm honest I was dreading it. If it had been a group of girls I'd have been there in an instant, but not a group of boys. I had to eat my words! I loved it! The younger ones were cool to talk to because they didn't really know much to begin with, so that was fun. The older ones knew more, with many more questions. Some of the older ones have become Christians in the last few months, and you can really see a hunger in them to know more of God and how things apply into their lives. I came home well excited and can't wait 'till I go back and do more this Friday!
Sunday morning was very cool with Jim talking about goodness. Basically his main point was that kindness is an emotion and goodness is an action. As Christians we need to be showing goodness to people in a way that goes above and beyond anything we could do humanly. That's one of the marks of a growing Christian, and that's what helps point people to Jesus. Jen Diack got baptised on Sunday night which was well cool! The service was great, and the whole place just felt really rich with the presence of God in a tangible way. She was so funny when she was sharing her testimony, which is so powerful. She summed it up so well when she said that she came home from seeing her mum ion hospital and realised that if she died that night then she was going to hell and that wasn't a good thought! God is really at work in her and it's amazing to see. After we had some worship with the band. There was just a few of us, but it was really free and I really felt able to sing and move about however I wanted to ... and just had the most intimate time with my Father.
Also got offered a job in the cafe in Wesley Owen, which has now been made full-time. Started on Monday, and loving it so far. Really nice atmosphere, and the people are so friendly. Really cool chatting with the customers, and many want to share something God's done in them which is a real blessing to me. Sad to have left H Samuels (Saturday was my last day), was really beginning to build up good relationships. But, I'll keep in touch with a few people from there, so guess that's cool. Makes a change being in a staff room where it's normal to see Bibles and Christian books though! Was off today, but back tomorrow so looking forward to that ... though not so sure I'm looking forward to the 7:30 start!
So that's been my week so far ... so exciting ...
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The Lectio Divina ...
Ok, was talking about examen prayer the other day ... well had a chance to put into practice the other kind of prayer I was learning about last night.
The Lectio Divina involves reading slowly and often aloud, until a word or a phrase begins to provoke you. Whatever that word or phrase is you stay with and pray into.
So, still having trouble sleeping at night. Still up 'till two and three in the morning at least. Last night was no exeption, and to add to it I had this really intense feeling of loneliness. I don't know where it came from, but have been experiencing it on and off recently. Last night was the worst though! God been giving me peace about being single, and wherever this loneliness came from it was deeper than just a longing for a boyfriend.
After a while of listening to music to see if that would help, an old song by Rebecca St. James came on. It's called 'Wait for Me' and is written by her as a love letter to her future husband. As I listened to it, it stopped being her singing it though, and somewhere within my spirit I felt Jesus singing it to me. You know, like His love letter to me.
From there I was taken back to the place where I fell in love with Jesus. it was as if I was sitting over a candlelit dinner with Him again, as we gazed and talked together. The feeling of loneliness began to fade away. As I listened to Him speak to me I recognised the words from a part of Song of Solomon:
'My darling, you are beautiful! Oh, you are beautiful ... among the young women, my darling is like a lily among thorns.'
Lying in my bed reading that again and again the words that kept coming back were lily and beautiful. God's been showing me over the past few months that I'm to be like a lily among thorns, a set apart young woman. Recently though I haven't always felt or acted that way. He was reminding me of what He thought. Being and feeling beautiful is something that I've always struggled with. Just last week I was sharing with Elaine about how, despite some of the things I've gone through over the past few months I was still eating. Not neccessarily feeling good about how I looked, but I hadn't stopped eating. She sent me the most beautiful card that Jesus had asked her to send to me to celebrate that. Again, it was Jesus way of reminding me that He thought I was beautiful. To Him I was special, and worth something.
It wasn't a loneliness for a boyfriend I was feeling, but a loneliness for Jesus. And so I went to sleep last night satisfied in Him. And guess what, today hasn't been so bad!
Was reading Song of Songs 2v3-13 today, and it just summed up everything beautifully for me!
The Lectio Divina involves reading slowly and often aloud, until a word or a phrase begins to provoke you. Whatever that word or phrase is you stay with and pray into.
So, still having trouble sleeping at night. Still up 'till two and three in the morning at least. Last night was no exeption, and to add to it I had this really intense feeling of loneliness. I don't know where it came from, but have been experiencing it on and off recently. Last night was the worst though! God been giving me peace about being single, and wherever this loneliness came from it was deeper than just a longing for a boyfriend.
After a while of listening to music to see if that would help, an old song by Rebecca St. James came on. It's called 'Wait for Me' and is written by her as a love letter to her future husband. As I listened to it, it stopped being her singing it though, and somewhere within my spirit I felt Jesus singing it to me. You know, like His love letter to me.
From there I was taken back to the place where I fell in love with Jesus. it was as if I was sitting over a candlelit dinner with Him again, as we gazed and talked together. The feeling of loneliness began to fade away. As I listened to Him speak to me I recognised the words from a part of Song of Solomon:
'My darling, you are beautiful! Oh, you are beautiful ... among the young women, my darling is like a lily among thorns.'
Lying in my bed reading that again and again the words that kept coming back were lily and beautiful. God's been showing me over the past few months that I'm to be like a lily among thorns, a set apart young woman. Recently though I haven't always felt or acted that way. He was reminding me of what He thought. Being and feeling beautiful is something that I've always struggled with. Just last week I was sharing with Elaine about how, despite some of the things I've gone through over the past few months I was still eating. Not neccessarily feeling good about how I looked, but I hadn't stopped eating. She sent me the most beautiful card that Jesus had asked her to send to me to celebrate that. Again, it was Jesus way of reminding me that He thought I was beautiful. To Him I was special, and worth something.
It wasn't a loneliness for a boyfriend I was feeling, but a loneliness for Jesus. And so I went to sleep last night satisfied in Him. And guess what, today hasn't been so bad!
Was reading Song of Songs 2v3-13 today, and it just summed up everything beautifully for me!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Sad I know ...
Was just about to go to bed when I thought I'd have a look at another quiz. This one has only three questions and is quite accurate too. This was able to tell me relatively quickly what it took me weeks to discover in SHAPE ... though it has to be said, was good to get to grips with things on a deeper level. Anyway, here's my personality analysis:
So, with myself totally analyised out for today, I'm heading to bed. Praying I get some sleep tonight ...
| Your Personality Is |
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours. |
So, with myself totally analyised out for today, I'm heading to bed. Praying I get some sleep tonight ...
What kind of coffee are you ...
Came across this wee quiz today by accident that told you what kind of coffee you were. As we all know, I love coffee, so I thought I'd give it a go. Here are my results:
| You Are an Espresso |
 At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high |
What Kind of Coffee Are You?
Wow! Amazing how accurate it was huh! Maybe I should really do something about that eh?! Think God might be telling me something when I ended up reading an article this morning from Joyce Meyer about de-toxing your body as well?!
Nah ... time for another cup of coffee ...
Wow! Amazing how accurate it was huh! Maybe I should really do something about that eh?! Think God might be telling me something when I ended up reading an article this morning from Joyce Meyer about de-toxing your body as well?!
Nah ... time for another cup of coffee ...
Isn't it funny ...
Just been thinking about how funny it is that we are often more honest when we're talking on msn than we are when we talk face to face. Why is that? Maybe it's because we're afraid of being vulnerable in front of people, but when we're talking to them over cyberspace and don't see them or hear their voice the fear is gone.
Being honest in that context also made me see how wrong our opinions can be. For example, was talking to a friend last night who shared things with me I never would have known otherwise. It changed my opinion on something and made me see it in a whole new light.
Talking to another friend tonight I realised that someone I thought didn't really want anything to do with me anymore, actually made themselves quite open and vulnerable with me. Maybe through miscommunication what I thought they felt about me they don't. Otherwise why allow youself to be so open. Who knows?!
God's been challenging me a lot on my attitude in relationships recently. Still working through it all. But one thing I'm learning is that one of the best ways to have a right attitude in relationships is to be open and honest with people. Especially in person, face to face, and straight away ... not just over msn!
And with that thought in my head I'm going to bed. No doubt I'll have more to say on this later ... especially as God ain't through with my attitude yet!
Being honest in that context also made me see how wrong our opinions can be. For example, was talking to a friend last night who shared things with me I never would have known otherwise. It changed my opinion on something and made me see it in a whole new light.
Talking to another friend tonight I realised that someone I thought didn't really want anything to do with me anymore, actually made themselves quite open and vulnerable with me. Maybe through miscommunication what I thought they felt about me they don't. Otherwise why allow youself to be so open. Who knows?!
God's been challenging me a lot on my attitude in relationships recently. Still working through it all. But one thing I'm learning is that one of the best ways to have a right attitude in relationships is to be open and honest with people. Especially in person, face to face, and straight away ... not just over msn!
And with that thought in my head I'm going to bed. No doubt I'll have more to say on this later ... especially as God ain't through with my attitude yet!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Examen ...
Spent a lot of time today reading Red Moon Rising, the story of 24-7 prayer. It's taking me forever to read, partly as I've not had as much time recently, and also as each chapter seems to make me think of something God's said to me at one time or something He wants me to hear now. The chapter I began with today was a virtual tour of a prayer room. Two things that struck me were the two new terms I learned for different types of prayer. Did some extra research on one in particular called EXAMEN.
Ephesians 6v18 (NCV)
'Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayer, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God's people.'
Examen comes from the tradition developed by a guy called St. Ignatius of Loyola, who basically was very practical in prayer and taught that there were two keys to being spiritually healthy. Firstly, look for God in everything; and secondly, work at becoming freer to do God's will. He suggested that people use the examen model of prayer on a daily basis to help with hearing Gid and discerning His will.
It has five steps in total, and though it suggests having 15 minutes to complete, I quickly realised that that time has to be really flexible in order to not limit God!
Pete Greig puts it really concisly when he writes
'Examen involves a deliberate commitment to recollect events in the presence of God - the opposite of Eastern meditation, which is about emptying the mind ... Examen asks people to look at the last 24 hours and take three steps:
Good practice to get into. Really gonna try this approach more often. I especially like that before I reviewed the last 24 hours, with all the negative and positive things that had gone on, I'd already asked for the Spirit's help and thanked God for all the good things. I guess sometimes we make our prayers more like shopping lists of all the things we want, or a list of moans and groans, or even just tell Him all the stuff we want Him to deal with, that we forget first and foremost to thank Him and ask Him for His help ... or at least I know I'm guilty of that. Praising God and thanking Him first puts you in a whole different frame of mind when you come to God with all the other stuff - almost like a whole new perspective. And it's so much easier to hear from God in that place than a negitive one.
'In the end the prayer of examen is about noticing: noticing the good gifts God gives us, noticing the presence of God in our lives, and noticing the ways we fail God. When we notice, we become more concious, when we become more concious we grow.'
Richard Peace - Meditive Prayer
Father, thank You for today and all You've taught me. Thank You for all the good things You've given me. Help me to become more concious of You. To see You in everything around me. To really search for You. Open my eyes Jesus. And then with that new awareness, help me to grow. Please continue to grow me, change me and shape me into who You want me to be, and who You made me to be.
'And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heavens Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. This is the new, life-giving way that Christ opened up for us through the sacred curtain, by means of His death for us. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's people, let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting Him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.'
Hebrews 10v19-23 (NLT)
Ephesians 6v18 (NCV)
'Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayer, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God's people.'
Examen comes from the tradition developed by a guy called St. Ignatius of Loyola, who basically was very practical in prayer and taught that there were two keys to being spiritually healthy. Firstly, look for God in everything; and secondly, work at becoming freer to do God's will. He suggested that people use the examen model of prayer on a daily basis to help with hearing Gid and discerning His will.
It has five steps in total, and though it suggests having 15 minutes to complete, I quickly realised that that time has to be really flexible in order to not limit God!
- realise your in the presence of God
- express thanks for the past 24 hours
- ask the Holy Spirit for help
- review the past 24 hours - especially reflecting on where God's presence might have been felt, any habits or life patterns both positive and negative etc
- reconcile and resolve - both with God and possibly with other people
Pete Greig puts it really concisly when he writes
'Examen involves a deliberate commitment to recollect events in the presence of God - the opposite of Eastern meditation, which is about emptying the mind ... Examen asks people to look at the last 24 hours and take three steps:
- express gratitude
- reflect on how God's presence might have been tangible in that time
- confess failure ...'
Good practice to get into. Really gonna try this approach more often. I especially like that before I reviewed the last 24 hours, with all the negative and positive things that had gone on, I'd already asked for the Spirit's help and thanked God for all the good things. I guess sometimes we make our prayers more like shopping lists of all the things we want, or a list of moans and groans, or even just tell Him all the stuff we want Him to deal with, that we forget first and foremost to thank Him and ask Him for His help ... or at least I know I'm guilty of that. Praising God and thanking Him first puts you in a whole different frame of mind when you come to God with all the other stuff - almost like a whole new perspective. And it's so much easier to hear from God in that place than a negitive one.
'In the end the prayer of examen is about noticing: noticing the good gifts God gives us, noticing the presence of God in our lives, and noticing the ways we fail God. When we notice, we become more concious, when we become more concious we grow.'
Richard Peace - Meditive Prayer
Father, thank You for today and all You've taught me. Thank You for all the good things You've given me. Help me to become more concious of You. To see You in everything around me. To really search for You. Open my eyes Jesus. And then with that new awareness, help me to grow. Please continue to grow me, change me and shape me into who You want me to be, and who You made me to be.
'And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heavens Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. This is the new, life-giving way that Christ opened up for us through the sacred curtain, by means of His death for us. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's people, let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting Him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.'
Hebrews 10v19-23 (NLT)
Yahey! My first post ...
Finally gotten myself a blog! So excited!
Guess this is gonna be a journal for me where I can put into words all God's doing in me and around me. Have determined that I will be brutally honest in it, whatever that may mean at any given time. I'm really looking forward to having another record of everything my normal spiritual journals often end up in boxes with all my other stuff when their full. Man, can't wait to see how time unfolds ...
For now though, it's time to eat!
Guess this is gonna be a journal for me where I can put into words all God's doing in me and around me. Have determined that I will be brutally honest in it, whatever that may mean at any given time. I'm really looking forward to having another record of everything my normal spiritual journals often end up in boxes with all my other stuff when their full. Man, can't wait to see how time unfolds ...
For now though, it's time to eat!
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