It's almost here ...

Christmas that is!

Actually getting excited this year! When Mark spoke to me and in effect cured my Scroogeness, he did a great job! Guess I've realised that I actually have a whole lot to celebrate. Man, this Christmas is so different to last Christmas. For one, a lot less heartache and tears! Things have settled a little more at home, and living in Scotland is normal again, and I'm totally content in that. Where I am in life is so different now too. So many of my friends have now gotten married, and I can rejoice whole-heartidly in that. I've started uni, and am surviving, though have tons to do. Relationship wise, friendships have changed and grown stronger, then of course there's Stewart. Yeah, things are good this Christmas and there are many reasons to rejoice.

That's what the shepheards did when they encountered Jesus. And the wise men. Plus there was Mary and Joseph's reactions. Guess in all the comercialism and all the other stuff that comes with Christmas that's the key thing to remember. It's all about Jesus!

Nothing new in that thought, but one worth pondering again. When these people met Jesus, even as a tiny baby, they were radically and totally transformed. Their lives were turned upside down, inside out and back to front (as Gav would say). And I have encountered that same Jesus. The tiny baby born in a stable, where no-one took much notice. The boy, wise beyond His years. The man, gentle yet strong, accepting yet confronting. The Saviour, hanging on a tree, beaten and bruised for my freedom and life. The Risen One, full of hope, life, love and promise. That Jesus. That wonderful Jesus.

And my response is like that of the shepheards:

'[They went] praising God and thanking him for everything they had seen and heard.'

Luke 3v20 (NCV)

Praising God for everything they had seen and heard, they didn't just retain a passing interest, it was a pertinent, possessive interest, consuming them so they were never the same again. I come to Christmas this year, praising God with all my being for all I have seen and heard Him do!

"My soul praises the Lord;

my heart rejoices in God my Savious,

because he has shown his concern

for this humble servant girl.

From now on, all people will say that I am blessed,

because the Powerful One has

done great things for me.

His name is Holy.

God will show his mercy forever and ever

to those who worship and serve him.

He has done mighty deeds by his power..."

Luke 1v46(b)-51(a)

It is finished

It is finished ... well at least the teaching part. I have now officially completed all the teaching sessions for my first semester at uni. Now all I need to do is a million and one assignements and things for exam revision it feels like ... but I'm getting there. The first part is complete.

Looking forward to Christmas now I'm cured of my scroogeness. Will be a wonderful time. Really excited about Erin, Katie and Josh coming over too. It will be so good just to spend time with them hanging out. Sharing Scotland with them will also help me see it again in new ways too, with a new freshness.

As well as all the uni assessment stuff to do over Christmas really need to get down to writing all the stuff for going back to Warm Springs. Have some of it in my head just now - it just needs to come out. Thoughts so far:

Intro session / Session one: Livin' Loud (theme), 1 Timothy 4:12 (text), story / narrative (preaching style)
Session 2: Speech (theme), James chapters 3-4; 5:12 (texts), teaching (preaching style)
Session 3: Life (theme), Micah 6:1-8 (text), interactive / doing - using World Trade Game as well as Pink song in session (preaching style)
Session 4: Love (theme), 1 John 3 / 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (texts), experiencial (preaching style)
Session 5: Faith (theme), Mark 5:21-43 (text), narrative / experiencial / doing (preaching style)
Session 6: Purity (theme), text undecided as well as preaching style
Session 7 / final session: Surrender (theme), Isaiah 53 (text), experiential / doing (preaching style) - session will also include communion and commissioning out again.

As well as doing it thematically, which I'm not sure now was maybe the best way of working, I'm also going to experiment with different sermon preaching styles which should be interesting. Aim is to have the intro session, session 3 and session 5 written by the New Year. The final session is already written. Going to be an interesting journey and adventure.

Better go now though, and have fun with some Mark commentaries for my sermon assessment ... looking at Jesus calming the storm, not what I'm going to be doing in Warm Springs. Is great getting to grips with a passage and asking God what He might want to say out of it now ... lovign it!

Advent challenge ...

Ok, so I'm the biggest Christmas scrooge, I admit it ... well I was.

That was until I was challenged by Mark yesterday ... he said he used to be like that until someone asked him who should be the one with the most to celebrate. The answer of course is me! Jesus was born at Christmas time ... for me! Jesus came to earth ... for me! Jesus was God incarnate ... for me! Jesus became the Saviour ... for me! So who should have the most to celebrate at Christmas ... me!

Thought stayed in my mind last night as I spent time with Stewart and his family. They are all so close and loving, and I realised that that kind of thing should make me even more thankful. Funny that, love changes things. And seeing real love in action as well as word began to errode at the part of me that rebels against Christmas - not because I don't believe in what it means, but because I dislike what it's come to mean. But in disliking it I'm adding to the problem, and not really reflecting it's true meaning.

Love. Love from God in the form of a baby boy, who would grow up and treat people with love and compassion. Who would bring me closer to God in word, and show me the love of God in deed. Who, in all that He was, and is, and will be, is love.

Today, Jim reminded us in prayers that, yes, the picture may be bleak, but thats not the end - 'aye, thats wit ye think!' And as I left for coffee and a mince pie (thank you Father for the person who delivered them to the common room!), I found myself singing 'Oh come, oh come, Immanuel ...' and truely meaning it - without it being Christmas Eve in a dimly lit church.

So, do I have the right to be a Christmas scrooge? Not anymore! After all, I have so much to celebrate!

"His name will be wonderful
Counselor, Powerful God,
Father Who Lives Forever, Prince of Peace.
Power and peace will be in his kingdom
and will continue to grow forever.
He will rule as King on David's throne
and over David's kingdom.
He will make it strong
by ruling with justice and goodness
from now on and forever.
The Lord All-Powerful will do this
because of his strong love for his people."
Isaiah 9v6(b)-7 (NCV)

Feeling better ...

Had a good few days which I think is noteworthy!

Been feeling pants with relations to God for quite a little while. Came to a head this weekend for various reasons, and though I'm still working through some of that with Him, things are definately improving. Think God helped me see that He can be silent and thats ok. Also think He helped me see that He loves me still in what I see as my unlovely state.

Song from this weekend's services at church that reflect that:

Majesty (Here I Am)

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Written by Stu Garrard/Martin Smith ©2003 Curious? Music UK
Taken from the World Service album

Isn't is great how music stirs and moves the soul. There is definately something in music that goes deep with me ... I feel ... I experience ... I am changed when I listen to music. It's both what is played and what is sung though that has the effect, they are both needed. Lines like: 'here I am, knowing that I'm Your desire, sanctified by glory and fire.' How emotive! Or 'Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in Your hands.' Even just singing 'Majesty'!

So thank You Father that You are moving in me and taking me from where I was. It has been so lonely and empty and silent. Thank You that Your grace has found me right in that place. Thank You that I can be alive again in You. Thank You that I have been, am now and will always be Your desire. You are my desire too!

The glad game ...

As usual work was a nightmare today. Jaw still sore, and all the talking and smiling I had to do made it worse ... which some just found funny ... think people like the idea of me not being able to talk much!

When I lived with Liz and co in Essex we used to play this game from a film ... foget the name right now ... but was called "the Glad Game". I would get the kids from the school bus, we would come home, Liz would have made hot chocolate, we would play the penguin eating challenge, and tell about the bits of the day we had to be glad about. Was really helpful on lots of days, took the focus off the negative and put it on the positive.

If I were playing it with them today this would be my contribution:

• Crawford (my fav old man) came in with his wife today. Always really encouraging to see them. Was chatting with the wifie (so bad that I do not know her name!) for quite a while. She was commenting on how I am not in as much, so I told her what I was doing. She thinks I will be a great church and schools youth worker - was so encouraging in her comments!
• There is another older couple who used to come in a lot, and I got quite close to the wife. She popped in today too, wanting to know when I was working so she could come and get something to eat and catch up with me. Not seen her in ages, and was missing her. Hopefully she will come in again soon and we can catch up properly ... she was even asking after Stewart which was really sweet!

So there we go, my glad game contirbutions of today ... really does help you focus on the good and not the bad!

It's all about looks ...

Ok, so went to the doctors today. Was asking about some pills, and he asked if I was taking them for my face. Way to make a girl feel good! Especially when thats not why I'm taking them! Tonight at girls group the girls were slagging me at one point. All innocent like. Think I'd said something, or one of them had, and it just hadn't come out right. As usual that kinda thing was jumped on right away! If I will open myself up to it! Similar thing just happened with Stewart on the phone. Again, totally innocent.

But, all day had negative comments about myself going through my head. Been watching the story with Matilda unfolding in 'Home and Away', and though it may sound sad, can totally identify with it. Know what it's like to feel so ugly and stupid and useless.

Know I've come so far, and know I probably won't ever go back to how bad things were before, but still have off days. And in general this is just an off time. Was writting about it in my book journal the other day cause felt too bad to even write it here. Funny how it always comes back to looks. Looks and personality. Seems like it's just a continuous hurdle, one you just get over, only for it to come back again in another form. So determined for things to be different, but fall every time. No matter whether it's about boys, image, whatever.

Seasons, everything comes in seasons. Guess this is just a tough season. Stewart's mum was talking to me on Monday morning about how sometimes you get a season where God totally withdraws, and you need to just keep going cause He wants you to be desperate for Him. Still in that season. Ties in with what Ali was talking about tonight too, that sometimes when we feel like this we need to keep talking to God. Need to talk to Him first, make the extra effort, not just give up until He speaks, after all why should he. As we were driving home we had on the Delerious? album where the line was

'God didn't make a mistake when He made ya,
He's the Father who loves to parade ya.'

Help me feel that God. Help me get back to the place where I'm happy and content with me. Where I like me again and amn't so negative. Where I can look, value and appreciate what You've made. Help me also to find joy in life again. To know You're there and You're real regardless of my feelings. You made me, body, mind, soul, emotions. Please help me keep a handle on them, keep perspective, keep control. I don't want to be hypocritical, teaching the girls one thing, but living another way. Help me through this season and this valley so I can be on the mountain top with you once more.
Amen

That's My King!!!

THAT'S MY KING!

The Bible says my King is a seven-way king
He's the King of the Jews; that's a racial king
He's the King of Israel; that's a national King
He's the King of Righteousness
He's the King of the Ages
He's the King of Heaven
He's the King of Glory
He's the King of kings, and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.
Well....I wonder, do you know Him?

David said, "The Heavens declare the glory of God and the
firmament showeth His handiwork."
My King is a sovereign King.
No means of measure can define His limitless love.
No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility
the coastline of His shoreless supply.
No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings.
He's enduringly strong.
He's entirely sincere.
He's eternally steadfast.
He's immortally graceful.
He's imperially powerful.
He's impartially merciful.
Do you know Him?

He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world.
He's God's Son.
He's the sinner's Savior.
He's the centerpiece of civilization.
He stands in the solitude of Himself.
He's august and He's unique.
He's unparalleled.
He's unprecedented.
He is the loftiest idea in literature.
He's the highest personality in philosophy.
He is the supreme problem in higher criticism.
He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology.
He is the cardinal necessity for spiritual religion.
He's the miracle of the age.
He's -- yes He is –
He is the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him.

He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient Savior.
I wonder if you know Him today?
He supplies strength for the weak.
He's available for the tempted and the tried.
He sympathizes and He saves.
He strengthens and sustains.
He guards and He guides.
He heals the sick.
He cleansed the lepers.
He forgives sinners.
He discharges debtors.
He delivers the captives.
He defends the feeble.
He blesses the young.
He serves the unfortunate.
He regards the aged.
He rewards the diligent....and He beautifies the meek.
I wonder if you know Him?

Well, my King....He is the King!
He's the key to knowledge.
He's the wellspring of wisdom.
He's the doorway of deliverance.
He's the pathway of peace.
He's the roadway of righteousness.
He's the highway of holiness.
He's the gateway of glory.
Do you know Him?

Well, His office is manifold.
His promise is sure....and His light is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
And His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.
I wish I could describe Him to you,
but He's indescribable -- Yes He is!? He is God!
He's incomprehensible.
He's invincible.
He's irresistible.
Well, you can't get Him out of your mind.
You can't get Him off of your hand.
You can't out live Him, and you can't live without Him.

The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him.
Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him.
The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree.
Herod couldn't kill Him.
Death couldn't handle Him, and the grave couldn't hold Him.
Yea!!!, that's my King, that's my King.

Yes, and Thine is the Kingdom....and the Power....and the Glory....Forever....and ever, and ever, and ever – How long is that?
And ever, and ever.

And when you get through with all of the forevers, then. AMEN!
Good God Almighty! AMEN! AMEN!

Dr. Lockridge
(That's my King - preached in Detroit 1976)

Now that's one amazing preach!!! He really knew God, had a grasp on His awesomeness and His vastness. Each time I hear this, it doesn't seem to matter where I am with God - doing good or bad - it always stirs me in my spirit!

Can't work out how to put it on the blog, but here's a cool link where you can watch a video with the words and some good images:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnTskwvR7Qo

Where's the honesty gone ...

T asked me an interesting question this afternoon. Telling me to be honest he asked me if I was glad I had come to the college. After a pause I responded. That pause was very telling.

I guess I am to an extent as am learning loads. Have to keep holding to the fact I know God said that I could study - and in particular I was to study there though. But, actually, gladness, well, not sure. Feels like I spend a good majority of the time just asking myself what the heck I am doing there - trying to keep hold of the fact God sees the bigger picture even if I don't.

Still finding life with God a total struggle at the moment. Was with the girlies tonight, talking to them about stuff to do with being a Christian and life - but actually feeling a little hypocritical. Am I actually living it in truth right now. Answer, no. Life with Jesus feels like it makes no difference at all, and that it's a battle every day. The strange thing is, that I would rarely tell people I feel like that. In reality, who would I tell?

Spoke to L about it last night. Haven't even mentioned it to S at all. Try to talk to God about it, but feels like I'm either talking to thin air or that it's hitting off the wall. No-one else has a clue. Not sure if I don't mention it because I'm not sure what people's reackons would be, don't want to disappoint them ... maybe it's because I don't want to let people see my weakness and failings ... or maybe its actually also because in reality we do rarely talk about when being in relationship with God is the hardest thing thats going on. On a whole as Christians, unless its someone you're really open and honest with (like I am with L), then you talk about struggles, hardships, temptations ... but all in the context of having Jesus ... not in the context of feeling like even life with Jesus is the struggle. And if you do mention it, when you've plucked up the courage, people just don't engage with you on it - they cover it with neat and tidy pat answers. Remember having M as a mentor once. She wasn't my Christian mentor, but was mentoring me on my eating and self-image mainly. She wasn't a Christian, though she was exploring church, and actually one of the nicest things was the freedom to be totally honest with her and not get the ususal expected answers.

Where has that type of honesty gone. That raw, total honesty. Why don't I have it with people, and why is it so hard to find and keep. At the same time - why does it feel like this struggle is never ending. I know it will, because I know the neat, tidy answers to questions like these. But like we were discussing in preaching class today - you need to feel it. And I don't feel it - I feel about as far from it as I could get just now.

All that out now, I'm going to bed.

Mum's car stuck in a ford. She was in it before she knew it was there - need to wait til tomorrow to see whats going to happen with it, and what exactly the state of damage is etc. Talk about something we didn't need as a family right now! Still, L comes to stay tomorrow for the next couple of nights which will be cool. E's getting married on Saturday, and old friends will be united, can't wait. Nervous about the wedding with S on Sunday, don't want to show him up at all, want to be the best I can be for him. Still sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for him, but know thats just something I need to learn to deal with - I need to not think like that because it's so distructive. Still, don't see what a guy like hims doing with a girlie like me.

Ok, it really is bed time now. Need to get up at silly o'clock for work in the morning, and am just so shattered at the moment. Here's hoping I actually get some decent sleep ...

Interesting fact of the day ...

G was leading student prayers today and though I don't remember all he said, I do remember the interesting fact he told us about fruit. Apparently if you place a piece of ripe fruit next to another piece of fruit then it will ripen faster.

Was thinking about that in relation to Jesus. Passage in question for today was from Hebrews 10v10-14, 19-25. End of the passage talks about the fact that now we have atonement because of Jesus we can boldly enter God's presence, drawing near to God in full assurance. In terms of fruit, then I guess that relates to what I was thinking about last night. If I'm closer to Jesus, then He'll 'ripen' me - but it's my choice to enter. And at the moment that choice feels really hard. Don't remember the last time I felt this insecure or dry. It's like God and I have a relationship where He talks sometimes, I listen sometimes, but the intimacy is hard to come by. Want to know that assurance of the blood of Jesus cleansing me, so that I can boldly enter in full confidence.

My Bible notes for today really hit on some of that as well. Here's a little excerpt (Inspiring Women Everyday)
'You cannot fulfil God's purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans. Just when you have dealt with self and are enjoying you newfound journey with Jesus, our will rears its ugly head again! ... True surrender of the will is, without a doubt, based on complete confidence in the One to whom it is surrendered, and yeilding ourselves to the One in whom we have put our trust.'

Think my will is not trying to stop me fulfilling God's purposes as such ... I think it's more clinging to an old way of life. I know I need to let it go, but it's much nicer to just leave things the way they are. Know I can't do that. Maybe thats the truth, that the reality is that I'm not intimate with Jesus because I'm avoiding it. I know that intimacy with Him means that I need to change some things, let some things go, and I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, but maybe the truth is actually that I'm hurting myself more in my dishonesty. Everytime I begin to think I've dealt with something, or that finally I'm over something, either I slip back into old ways, or God turns up the heat on it again. I know that He does it to refine me, but its hot! I know its for my own good, but sometimes its harder to surrender to it than at other times.

Was watching Mattie in Home And Away tonight, where she tried to cover up that she had bulemia. Now, I've been there with the whole eating disorder thing, so not too hard to get into her mind. But felt like I could identify with her just now too, the pushing people away because you don't want them to get too close. Too close means they see the 'real' you, and means they could hurt you or reject you. So you kind of use other methods and push everything under the carpet, you cope. But really your dying inside. I feel like a mix of emotions inside at the moment, some of which I can explain the reason for, and others I can't, but it feels like I'm dying inside at times. At others it just feels numb, punctuated with times that feel really good, but don't last. Last week I nearly bit S's head off when he tried to explore why I said something. He kept pushing it because he cares, and because he thinks its important. But I had barriers up good and proper. We talked about how there should be none between us, and how we should actively seek to take them down, but right there and then I just couldn't. I pushed him away. Just like I push God away on a daily basis, or hold Him at arms length, keeping things on my terms, afraid to surrender and give my all because then I have no control. It all comes down to control in the end I guess. I hate the feeling of being out of control, and giving myself completely to God on every single thing means I'd be completely out of control.

Just had the sudden realisation, this is where I always end up. Sometimes the issues change, but always comes back to control. God wants to be in control of my life, and I won't surrender it completely. I stay in the Valley, powerless and presenceless, because I haven't been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Jim was talking on Sunday night about how to survive and have power and presence in the Valley (of life) then we needed to have been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Not that we needed to stay there, but we needed to have at least been there. Was talking out of the Transfiguration in Mark 9.

Aside from the me stuff, there were also some things that he kept saying that seemed out of context, but seemed to speak to me about S and I, haven't been able to get them out my mind since. Like I said, it seemed out of context, and totally wouldn't have spoken to at least half the congregation. He kept saying that we should let God influence and decide who we go out with, and who we marry. He must have said it at least three times. Its been on my mind ever since - ain't it funny that God still speaks some stuff to me when I'm fighting with Him on surrendering everything to Him.

Before I started going out with S, while we were still in the 'going on dates' stage, I was praying about whether I should get together with him - after my last relationship, needed to be sure God was ok with it - and I felt God give me a real peace. Really sensed Him saying that it was ok, he was right for me, and at the right time we'd get together, I didn't need to stress. So I didn't, and after about six weeks we got together. About four months down the line I began to think that we weren't communicating well, and so should we split. As usual, didn't talk to S, other than to worry him, but thankfully before I did, God showed me that I was not close to Him, so how could I be close to S. Very true, and so I spoke to him about it, and it all got sorted out. Now, here I am six months in, and I'm questioning things again. Not in a bad way, not like I wanna split up with him ... that couldn't be further from the truth. But last week I couldn't tell him about how I feel about myself ... I was awake half the night thinking about 'us' stuff, and as a result had a 'fat day' today. The 'us' stuff was about how we talk about God and church stuff - but actually do we encourage each other. We're intimate in some ways, and I don't want that to change necessarily, but feels like we look to everywhere else but each other for spiritual support. He goes to the guys, I have L and the girls. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself, but actually we avoid each other a bit when it comes to spiritual stuff - we talk about some stuff, but then our spiritual sides are totally cut off from each other.

If God's allowed me to go out with him, I would even go as far as to say brought us together, then why are we so cut off from each other when it comes to God? God's stopped me making a mistake and breaking up with him in the time we've been together, yet we're not growing together spiritually. We both want to honour God and serve Him, but it feels as though that just always happens totally independant of each other. I'm not quite sure how to fix this, and I'm totally not saying that we need to start going to church together or anything like that ... I'm just acknowledging the fact that this just doesn't feel right.

Apart from the bit in Hebrews from this morning that talks about entering into the presence of the Most Holy, it also says that we 'consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds.' (v24) I want to be and do that for S in our relationship as much as anything else. And as much as I do that for other friends and they do that for me. Know I need to chat with him about it, helps just to get it all out first. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight now that I've verballised some of what I'm feeling. Who knows!

Guess the prayer from the end of my notes sums everything up well:
'Lord, I give You my regrets, my problems, my past, my future, my ambitions, my dreams, my weaknesses, my habits, my hurts, my will. Amen.'

And now I guess I should go to bed ... brain still active, so praying I sleep ...

A fresh challenge ...

Haven't posted in a while, which is all about to change again. Finding it harder and harder work to keep my personal journal at the moment, for a whole variety of reasons, so hoping this might work better instead.

Was reading someone else's blog the other day where they muzzed on blogging being a public reflection, and today he was thinking of it along the lines of prayer. Think this is what I want my blog to be about, reflection and prayer finding expression.


Finished reading the book about Rachel Joy Scott again tonight. Have been re-struck with how she was in her journals, how she poured out herself in them, being who she truely was. Rachel was killed in the Columbine high school shooting, 20 April 1999. She was 17, only two years older than me - but a whole lot older in her maturity and understanding of God than I was / am. In her journals she reflected about all that she was seeing, feeling, going through - she cried out to God from the depths of her soul and she praised God with the whole of her being. Rachel had a living and vibrant relationship with God, that found words in what she expressed through journals. Her parents only found her journals in the weeks and months after her death, and for them it put into words what they had seen in their daughters life. Letting us see them in the book (Rachel's Tears), they invited us into the life of their daughter, and I have been encouraged, inspired and deeply challenged all over again.

Yet, if she hadn't have died, I would never have seen them, and they'd never have had the impact on me they have. For many years she's been my little inspiration, but reading the book once more has brought it all to the forefront of my mind. I read it in order to write about her with accuracy for an American talk, but I think I have been challenged more than I will maybe challenge others. For weeks now I have felt like my relationship with God has lost it's vibrancy and intimacy. Mainly it's because it's me thats changed, not Him, and we're working on it together. Yet, it still feels like such a slog. I know it is worth it, and I can't imagine living without Jesus in my life at all. Reading the book though has just continued the challenge to get back to that place where Jesus is my all in all, and where He totally has my all - not just in lip service, but in reality. I guess thats it in a nut-shell, to have the reality of God in my life again.

Think thats why I want to blog again, why I feel challenged to journal (and in turn blog) again. That way I can publically reflect, and who knows, God may use it to speak to someone else. More than that though, for me it can once again be the prayer that used to be my handwritten journals. Where the reality of God being in my life can be explored and expressed. A place where I can cry out to God from the depth of my soul, and praise Him with my whole being too.

What I long for is a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus. If it's what I long for, it's about time I began to actively pursue it ...


Oh, and here's what the book looks like for any that may wish to read it. They come with a warning though - prepare to be challenged!

Rachels Tears
First book by her parents about her life and death, with journal entries throughout.
(The one I've just finished)

Rachel's Smiles
Follow up book by her dad looking at the qualities she thought could start a ripple effect, a chain reaction - things like compassion, love, kindness etc.

Type her name into a search engine and you have a wealth of information about her life, journals and art, and death - have a look for yourself. She has deeply affected the lives of loads of people, just like she knew God would somehow use her too.

Back from USA ...

Well, I'm back finally ... not just back blogging again, but back from Warm Springs. The mission was amazing!!! In some respects feels like the two weeks have flown by, and in others like it took forever ... but either way, I'm back in the UK and the mission is over ... though the effects and consequences are not!!!

I loved every minute of it, and it really was awesome to wake up there every morning knowing I'd been dreaming about doing mission in USA since I was 13, and now God had opened the door for that to happen! The people were all amazing too, and I'm only back a few hours, but I miss them all tons already. Have begun my saving for next trip out there ... so far it amounts to about £50 in total ... but at least I'm on my way!!!

Haven't really had a proper chance to sit and reflect on it all yet, but I will do over the next few days I'm sure. Feel like God blessed me heaps in the people I met, but that he also taught me a lot ... most of which I'm not even aware of yet. Looking forward to just taking some time and getting it all down on paper (or computer!). The great think is that we never really fought as a team, and we're all so much closer than when we left and went out there. Feel that's going to be really important in the next little while in the church and in us as a group.

Think I'm going to just give up and head to bed now as can't really stay awake much longer and have splitting headache! Honoured that God chose me to go to such an awesome place, and praying for the chance to return and see what He's all done and doing soon!!!

Strength for all things ...

"I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me
[I am ready for anything and equal to anything
through Him who infuses inner strength into me;
I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]."
Philippians 4v13

This week has been beyond crazy, and I can testify that this verse is so so so true! Work has been hectic with people on holiday, off ill, having staff walk out, you name it! Each day feels like it's been a mountain to climb and the goal has been to just get through it and survive. I've never been as tired for ages as I am this week ... reminds me of when I was just always on the go and started to get ill. Outside of work life is crazy busy, and there just never seems enough hours in the day to get everything done. I constantly battle with not feeling like I'm doing a good enough job, and that I'm constantly letting people down. But it's Friday and I've survived. Can totally say it's just down to God. I'm still standing, and thanks to Him I still have a smile. Despite all the craziness of not just work, but life in general, God has given me a real joy this week. Been reading my Bible every chance I've had, and some of the stuff God's been saying through it has been simply amazing. Take Tuesday's verse in my devotional for example:

"Honour and majesty are found in His presence;
strength and joy are found in His sanctuary."
1 Chronicles 16v27

Yesterday's verse was just as timely, and all I could do all day was meditate on it and let it soak deep into my being and outpour in all the things I did in the day, all the 'stuff':

"Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul),
as [something done] for the Lord and not for men,
knowing [with all certainty] that you will recieve the inheritance
which is your [real] reward."
Colossians 3v23

I mean how awesome is that. I've found in the last few days that as I focus on doing everything for Jesus, no matter what it is at all, with an attitude of gratitude and worship, then it becomes no hassle at all. People don't annoy me as much, there is a song for everything, and there is a smile on my face. Guess I kinda lost that in the last few weeks. Not quite sure what changed, but something did. God is just so gracious in using the circumstances of this week to bring me back into that place of joy. As one of my favourite Psalms puts it:

"Create in me a pure heart, God,
and make my spirit right again.
Do not send me away from you
or take your Holy Spirit away from me.
Give me back the joy of your salvation.
Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit."
Psalm 51v10-12

Was given another awakening though. My manager at work's partner died this week. Although he had been really ill, he seemed to be improving not that long ago, and so it came as a shock. She came into work today, and though she wanted to appear so strong, you could see she was so broken. By the time I'd chatted with her and she left, I was ready just for crying because my heart broke for her so badly. The funerals tomorrow, so I'm going to go to the main service before leaving for Frenzy. She seemed really glad about that. Just want her to know that she's totally in our thoughts and prayers, that we're all here to support her in whatever way we can. I stopped and just thought that I have no reason to complain, but every reason to rejoice. Yes, I may be totally physically and sometimes emotionally drained, but God is renewing me spiritually every day. Not just spiritually either, but He gives me the physical and emotional strength to get through everything each day brings. I have my health, my family, an amazing boyfriend, great friends, an awesome church, a job, a roof over my head, food and clothes ... the list is endless, which means the reasons I have to praise are endless. It's like Paul says, all our troubles are momentary compaired with what comes next. And in reality at the end of the day I have Jesus and know my future is secure. So I can rejoice and praise in all circumstances ... especially now when I have a much easier load to carry than others around me.

So this week has taught me a lot and given me loads to think about. God is strong and faithful, able to keep me strong and faithful, supplying all my needs. And just that thought alone spurs me on ...

Oh, and before I go to bed ...

Just before I go to bed I must remember to put this here. Checked out Jeff's blog today, just to see if he was posting again. He is, finally!!! And as ever his journal was a massive encouragement and blessing. But something he shared about reading the encounter with Jesus and Peter (when Jesus asks him if he loves Him three times) really struck me and did for me just what it did for Jeff. Love looking at Greek and Hebrew words to really discover the true meaning of things, people just laugh at me for it normally ... but this is one place I've never thought to check out before.

Peter tells Jesus he'll always love him, never desert or deny Him etc. Right after that He does. John 21v15-17 picks up the story after Jesus is risen again, appears to some of the disciples as their fishing and ends up having breakfast with them. Jesus then asks Peter three times if he loves him (in my head Jesus has taken Peter off to the side and the two of them are alone and intimate). In my translation (as in most) Jesus question three times is "Do you love me?" Each time Peter pretty much responds with "Yes, Lord, You know that I do." Three times the question is asked, more than likely (as most people conclude) because Peter denied Jesus three times. Pretty straight forward eh? Not so, as Jeff discovered...


'but... thats not a great translation.
try this.

Jesus: Peter do you totally love me. totally?
Peter: You know I am fond of you.
Jesus: Peter, Do you totally love me?
Peter: You know I am fond of you.
Jesus: Peter, are you fond of me?
Peter: Jesus, you know everything, you know that I am.

now that to me is completely different.
so how did i get there?

In greek there are several different words that into english are translated "love"
"Eros" - sexual love
"Agape" - total sacraficial love
"Phileo" - friendship/fond of type of love
and there are others.

Jesus asks peter the first two times if he "agape" loves him,
and peter replys that he "phileo" loves him.
then the third time Jesus asks whether peter "phileo" loves him. and Peter can reply yes.

This is the man who said that he would never never leave,
now being so humble, that he can only say he "phileo" loves Jesus.
and Jesus says thats ok,
and still commissions Peter to be the rock of his church.

that is mind blowing.

Peter can't even say that he totally and utterly loves Jesus.
He can't say "I will never leave you, or desert you"
He can't say "no matter what comes, what pain i feel, I'm yours"

All he can say is, "You're my friend. You know my heart, probably than I do, you knew it better than me last time."

I think Peter says "you tell me to feed your sheep, but you knew last time i let you down, and you know whether I'll let you down again, i don't trust my heart all i can say is that I am your friend. "

Wow wow wow.'


Jeff, hope you don't mind me nicking this to post here, but it totally blew my mind too. Sometimes I beat myself up because I fail God all the time. I want to be sold out for Him to the extent where I will do anything, go anywhere etc. I want to love Him that much - the agape kinda love. But I'm me, and I fail all the time. And then I get discouraged, either feeling so bad and living under guilt, or starting to believe that God can't use an idiot like me, I'll just disappoint and let Him down. Yes, more than likely I will fail, but this shows me that that's ok. God doesn't expect me to be perfect, but rather come to Him as I am, whatever state that is, and He'll accept me and use me anyway. There is hope! He loves me with agape love, and will help me on my journey to love Him in the same way!!!

Thank you Jeff for the post, and thank you Jesus for the insight You've given!

Now, I really must go to bed!!!

Panic over ...

How good is God! He knows me so so well, and always speaks into my situations right when I really need Him to. Yesterday at church is a classic example. Jim had preached a great sermon in the morning, and as usual I was really looking forward to going to East Mains again at night. However, I had spent all afternoon looking at college stuff, funding etc (as my blog yesterday shows), and to be totally honest had freaked myself out. Not just with the funding stuff, but with other thoughts that have been flying around my head for weeks now.

So here are my worries. First one is that I'll be the only female student at the college. I'm all for female equality and stuff, like I've often said I'd have been a feminist if God hadn't shown me it was wrong. But I'm a little scared about being the only one at college, and having little in the way of girlie input. I've always been annoyed about how it's still a man's world, even if we don't admit it always, in churches and organisations. And for some reason it seems more emphesised in the Christian world, almost as if we're even further behind. I've already been warned that some churches may not want me as I'm female, but some definately will ... and that both annoys and scares me.

Then there's the fact I'll only be 22 when I start. And it'll be a recent 22. I'm still a baby, or thats how it feels most of the time. Yet I'll be there studying things with people a lot older than me, trying to hold my own. When I was reading my module outlines yeasterday all I could think was that I needed a dictionary just to be able to understand the first sentence, how will I cope in lectures etc. Despite Ian telling me that the fact I'm constantly taking notes will help, there's a difference between taking the notes and actually understanding what they're talking about!

Added to those two is a third. Some would say I'm child-like, but most of the time I just think of it as child-ish. I'm really not that mature, I still have so much in the way of growing up to do. And given reasons one and two for being scared, three just compunds it. What if I'm not accepted by people. At the end of the day I know God's called me to youth work, and thats a little different than the ministry stuff that the others will have been called to. What if my ideas, or thoughts on stuff are more trouble-some than refreshing to people? And what if it swings the other way, and I come out, I don't know, maybe 'stuffy' is the best way to describe it, having lost that excitement and passion? Thats the last thing I want to happen!

And so, all these thoughts have been rushing around my head for weeks. Working in Wesley Owen is a real struggle, and not just there. More in me as well, in terms of battling with pride and that being where God has placed me for the moment, for a reason. I'm not less of a human because of it. Yet I guess it's just weird saying thats where I work now, after being a credible youth worker for so long, and always wanting to end the sentence with "but I'm going to Bible College in Spetember." Yet despite saying that, inside I'm harbouring all these little fears and insecurities, that while I tell God about them, it's more in a 'what are you thinking sending me there' kinda way rather than a 'need your help' one.

So it was into all of that that God spoke last night. And His timing, as ever, could not have been more perfect!

God of Justice (We Must Go)

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out, Lord

Charlene was leading worship last night as Stewarty's band was playing, and right before Jim's sermon this was the song we sang. I love this song, and have played it quite a bit recently (thanks again Ricky for the blokes prayer worship cd's!), but at the time didn't realise how perfectly it tied into the sermon. Anyway, as we were worshipping I had to just sit and soak in God. He took me back to Pizza Hut the other night with Stewart. I had been talking about someone, having a rant almost because a situation was really on my heart. Anyway, I'd commented about how I wished sometimes God had made me to care so much, to be so compassionate and passionate about people. Sometimes it hurt too much and I wished I could just walk away.

God took me there, to that conversation, to show me that He was pleased that He'd made me that way. He told me not to wish to be different, I was made to care for people. He had made me like that to send me out among people. And though it may be hard at times, and I may not like it, He made me like that and it's a good thing. Had a feeling about homeless people figuring in there somewhere, but God didn't reveal much more of what that means. Will keep in mind, and maybe pray some more into it. Not sure if it's partly because of what Laney said a while ago. Also know God was talking generally about not depising me heart, but embracing it and enlarging it more. Ties in with some other stuff too, which is just confirmation, always good. Whatever, I just really needed to hear that word from Him!

Then God just spoke even more to me during Jim's sermon. In Mark 6 just now in our evening Mark study series. Looked at the bit where Jesus moves around the villages, calling the follwers to Himself, preparing them and then sending them out with His instructions and authority to do His work. Jim felt that God had been telling him as he prepared that this was to be some people's nights, as God spoke to them about being sent out to do something they had been thinking about. That God calls us to Himself, to be intimate and prepare us, so that He can then send us out!

Jim spoke about it in two stages. Stage one being hearing the call of Jesus and going for it, and then stage two being sent out in His power and authority. Within that Jesus tells us to travel light with possessions - probably good stuff for me to hear, what with all my unpacked boxes and stuff! But more about the fact I've been stressing about what I'll do money wise when I'm at uni, and moaning about having to live at home etc, when all the time God's been saying don't become obsessed with it or let it matter too much. Seek Me and My Kingdom first and let Me add the rest onto it ... the stuff you need not want, the best for you from Me.

Jesus sent people out in His power and authority and told them not to worry about what people thought. About people rejecting them. People won't always like or accept me, let alone love me. Jesus tells me not to worry about that, or become hung up on it, but instead to move on. That's the view I need to take while I'm at college. Not to worry, change or try to conform, but just be me - loving God and letting Him love me. Jim shared something someone shared with him that changes things for him, and it made me think differently:
"Even if I mess up this day, even if people don't like or love me, my Heavenly Father does!"

I'm being sent out in God's power - to preach, to heal, to cast out demons. And that's what I'm to do. Declare and demonstrate, it's in His power, not mine. Which brings with it the final thing on obedience. When Jesus said go, the followers went. They didn't hagggle, or try and negotiate, question or second guess. Jesus said go ... and they just went. God's told me to go to Baptist College, He's called me into ministry ... I need to just obey. He's told me to do things before that have seemed impossible, but He's enabled me and it's been amazing. Why should now be different? God's never been wrong, or late, or stupid before now, so He's not gonna start now! With God you either say yes or you say no, there's no room for negotiation. Each time you say no, it becomes easier to say no the next time. Equally every time you say yes, it becomes easier the next time, because you realise more of what God can do. And if I talk about wanting to be all God wants me to be, and do all He wants me to do, not settling for mediocre and second best then the path of obedience is the only one I can walk. As every testimony I've ever heard from any Godly, wise person I respect shows me, and as I'm discovering for myself more and more, obedience at the end of the day is well worth any cost.

God's called me on an amazing adventure. It's scary, and I may not have a clue where God's leading and what exactly it all means. But how cool that He would plan such an adventure for me. Every time I get on a rollercoaster I freak out before hand. Almost every time I wanna chicken out, my hearts pounding, my palms are sweating, I'm thinking I have to be crazy to be doing this ... but when I'm on that ride it's the most amazing feeling. All the intensity of the build up is worth it. And I get off ready for anything, desperately wanting to do it all again. My life with Jesus is a rollercoaster ride, full of every emotion and feeling possible ... but when I get to heaven I long to hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant" and to be able to respond with "phew, what a ride ... can we do it again!"

Fill me up and send me out Jesus!!!

Trying not to panic!

Have spent most of this afternoon trying to get to grips with college stuff! Ahh, getting very close to a panic attack ... beginning to re-think the whole thing ... maybe God got it wrong?!?

Ok, so maybe not! But it's tougher than I thought. Looked at my college timetable, which I could kinda almost make sense of. The fees e-mail made too much sense (surely there are too many digits in the fees bit!), and the college calander was just full of scary dates! Tim assured me that though the course would be hard, the break down of it on-line was easy to understand - are we going to the same college?! Printed off the module break-downs to get my head around later ... like when I have a dictionary by my side!

The whole thing is just getting more real every day. Tim was talking about his exams last week, as he and Jim had a little ethics discussion - all the while rattling off titles of books I really should read before I go. Ian was commenting on my note taking during sermons and how useful that will be in college, as well as scaring me with the gravity of what I'm undertaking.

I guess when I sensed this really was where God was leading me at the moment I didn't fully get it. I'm going to be studying for four years! This will be my life until 2010! I'll be 25, almost 26 when I finally graduate! And I'll be living at home, most probably for the majority, if not all of that time!!!

Kinda gotten used to only thinking about life from year to year. That's all I really had to do with YFC. Everything was constantly changing, I was constantly on the move. Been dying to finally lay some roots, but my mentality is still stuck in the 'it's the end of a year, I should be moving on' process, not quite ready for the 'I'm staying here, and about to start a four year thing' shift in thought.

And then try and work out finances! Been to the bank this week to change to a student account. Thankfully that was simpler than I thought, and has actually been the simplist thing so far about the whole college process! It's a maze of papers and guidelines and requirements. If I was just going to a 'normal' uni it would be so much more straight forward - but when has that ever been the case with me. E-mailed off the SAAS to see what I need to do and how exactly I need to do it. Discovered the deadline for funding applications is in a month - and I'm still trying to get my head around what exactly happens with course fees, student loans ... ahhh, my head hurts!!!

But I know this is what I'm being called to, and so will get through it. God wouldn't call me to something and then abandon me in it, which means that one way or another I'll get the finances sorted and my head around everything. End of May and June just crept up a little sooner than I was planning on!

Rant over!!!

Yahey! I'm back!

Finally have computer working again, which finally means I can begin writting here again. So much has happened in the last few months since I posted. Would take a while to get my head around it all to write it down, maybe I'll try ... but not until tomorrow!

I just wanted to get my first post up before I go to bed. Have my girlie group in the morning, really looking forward to it ... unfortunately not looking forward to the 9am start as much! But plan on spending the rest of the day writting prayer stuff for the Atlanta mission and watching movies, so guess I can add some extra sleep into that too!

One quick thought before I go to bed though - how good is God. Julie and I been talking a little this week over delighting ourselves in God, as He gives us the desires of our hearts, as He's the one that placed them there. She came in today and was telling me about how she was pouring our heart out to Him, and she felt Him say to her that He delights in her. How cool is that! God delights in us like a lover, as we delight in Him! No wonder the desires of our hearts are fulfilled, as He becomes the obbsession of our hearts, desires and affections. Everything else falls into line within that, from friends, work, partners, etc, you name it. It all begins in delighting in each other though, and enjoying relationship together! And what a beautiful picture to go to bed with. God as close as my lover, delighting in me, as I gaze in adoration at Him!!!

"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37v4 (NIV)

Start where you are ...

I love Sunday's! They are most definately my favourite day of the week! We were talking about prayer again in church this morning ... a subject I love just now. We were looking at one of David's prayers and about praying and seeking God through and in life's disappointments.

Brian came up to me though, and gave me this little laminated card that he had meant to give me on Wednesday at our meeting. Thought it was a wee thing for me. Here's what it said:

"For who hath despised the day of small things?"
Zechariah 4v10 (KJV)

'Everything big starts with something small; all God needs is something to start with! Have you ever noticed what the disciples said to Jesus just before He feed the 5,000? Listen: "There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes; but what are they among so many?" (John 6v9 KLV). Is that how you feel today? The challenge is too big and you are too small. Notice, the miracle of provision only began when they took what they ahd and put it into the Master's hands. As long as you try to claim or control it, it will always be limited. But the moment you make what you have available to God, it will begin to multiply. Imagine, just a boy's lunch; all God needs is something to start with. The prophet Zechariah wrote, "Do not despise this small beginning, for the eyes of the Lord rejoice to see the work begin..." (Zechariah 4v10 TLB). Do not be afraid to take small steps. Just make them steps of faith and God will walk with you.

Jesus said, "... I will build my church ..." (Matthew 16v18 KJV). Build it with what? Twelve flawed people just like you. But when He poured Himself into them He was so concentrated in them, that if just two of them got together they could turn any town upside down. "But I have so many weaknesses", you say. We all come to the Lord damaged and in need of repair. The good news is, you can be strong in certain areas and struggling in others, yet God will still use you.'


Think that really is a word from God for me! Thanks Brian! Thank you Jesus!

Today ...

I've had a great day. Headache is almost gone! Work was great fun today, was in a really good and chatty mood. Love the folks I'm working with, they really are cool. Just need to keep praying for grace towards one or two of them though, sometimes they stress me out or annoy me. But cool being in a work place where the thing thats expected in that kinda situation is that you pray about it and ask God for help! Discovered one of the guys favourite films is 'Beauty and the Beast', which totally made my day ... so he scores major points, as he's a real blokie bloke, not a 'nice' guy, and seems really Godly!

Have also been so excited all day because of the girlie prayer thing we're starting tomorrow. I had a picture of how diamonds sharpen dimonds (can you believe only diamonds sharpen diamonds!) and shared it with Alison and Jo as I got them to pray for me. Although God brought other stuff out as they prayed, I had known right from the start that God was speaking to my need and desire to get some girlies my age to walk alongside one another. By the end of the night six of us had decided to meet on Saturday to walk, share life (really honestly, struggles, warts, joys ... everything), and pray together. We think we're even gonna make it a weekly thing. I've been quite excited all week, but have become even more so today. I guess thats pretty cool that I have a real sense of expectancy. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like or turn into, but I know it will be great, and that we all agree we need it!

BB was fun tonight. The younger ones still can't concentrate much, but the stuff I did with the older ones was cool. Could really see them connecting into it and God really speaking and moving. Hopefully some of them might even come to Alpha. Don't have a venue for that (24-7 taken the one I thought we may have), so don't know where it's gonna be yet, but it starts on Thursday. Ordered the books today which I got really excited about. I'm well scared, but so looking forward to it all at the same time. Before I get any more excited, or write anymore rubbish about my day, I'm gonna go for a bath and head to bed ... once again an early night failing to be achieved!!!

Why pray? ...

I have had a killer headache for the past three days now. Nothing seems to be helping it, praying was my first wee port of call. And I'm still praying! As a secondary option I've been taking both paracetemol and ibrufen as often as I can! Nothing is touching it to lift it. So am going to write this and go to bed and try sleeping again. It's the kind where my eyes ache, behind my eyes ache, and my head just thumps and pounds with no let up. Don't know what it is, but would like it to disappear. Really had to pray for strength to stay happy and postive in work today - found it hard to be bright, cheery and chatty which is quite unusual for me.

Anyway, this was going to be a short blog before going to bed. Had the next 24-7 prayer meeting with Brian, Karen and Andy last night. Was so, so, so productive and all four of us came away so excited and ... I don't quite know how to describe it, I guess maybe expectant and wondering what God will do is the best I can come up with.

We discussed more solid plans for changing the grotto and creating the stations we feel it's right to have. Looking at our time line for it all to be done, we made some alterations and set new deadlines and tasks etc. And we just talked a lot about what we felt God was saying and where He was leading us with it.

After having gone to bed (still having killer headache) excited about prayer and feeling even more challenged about my own personal prayer walk, I awoke this morning and over my coffee read my Bible thing for this morning. The verse was:

"‘…WHEN A BELIEVING PERSON PRAYS, GREAT THINGS HAPPEN.’"
JAMES 5:16 (NCV)

This is what the wee noddy bit said:

'Why pray? Because nothing lies beyond the reach of prayer. You’ll never know how many people have made it through a tough day because you asked God to encourage them. Or how many are healed because you stood with them in faith. Or how many spiritual runaways have come home because you pleaded with God to get on their case. None of us will ever know the full effect of our prayers this side of heaven, but we know this: God’s kingdom on earth comes through people who pray. Through prayer we’re invited to chat with God; a two way chat that involves both talking and listening. Prayer is ‘talking with God about what we are doing together’ as author Dallas Willard puts it. Have you ever thought that actually, besides all the cool stuff that gets done through prayer, the greatest thing of all is the joining of our heart with God’s heart. Lots of people on their deathbed end up regretting their obsession with work, money, pleasure and power. But have you ever heard of anyone who regretted spending too much time in prayer?

An old minister once said, ‘Prayer does not consist of battering the walls of Heaven for personal benefit or the success of our plans. Rather, it’s the committing of ourselves to carrying out God’s purposes. It’s not bending God’s will to ours, but our will to His. In prayer we tap reservoirs of spiritual power whereby God can find fuller entrance into the hearts of men.’ Why pray? Because everybody knows, you start to become like the people you spend most time with.'


Yahey!!! I text Brian and Karen to share the verse with them as I was on my way to work. Immediately I had a phone call from Brian. He too was about to leave for work and was reading his Bible thing for that morning, which also focused on prayer. We were reading the same thing, but in different contexts. His was:

'...THE PRAYER OF THE RIGHTEOUS IS POWERFUL...'
JAMES 5:16

'Why pray? Because nothing lies beyond the reach of prayer, except that which lies outside the will of God. You'll never know how many people have been strengthened because you asked God to encourage them. Or healed because you stood with them in faith. Or how many spiritual runaways have come home because you prayed for their souls? None of us will ever know the true results of our prayers this side of heaven, but we know this: God's kingdom on earth is established by those who pray. Through prayer we are invited into a relationship with God - a relationship that involves both talking and listening. Prayer is 'talking with God about what we are doing together' as Dallas Willard puts it. In addition to all the other work that gets done through prayer, the greatest work of all is the knitting together of our hearts with the heart of God. Many a person on their deathbed has regretted their obsession with work, money, pleasure and power. But have you ever heard of anyone who regretted spending too much time in prayer? No. Where there is much prayer, there's much love.

G. Ashton Oldham says, 'Prayer does not consist in battering the walls of heaven for personal benefit or the success of our plans. Rather, it is the committing of ourselves to carrying out God's purposes. It is a telephone call to headquarters for orders. It's not bending God's will to ours, but our will to His. In prayer we tap reservoirs of spiritual power whereby God can find fuller entrance into the hearts of men.' Why pray? That's why!'


It all tied in so beautifully and was just such an encouragement and blessing from God today. Have had the verse going around in my head all day ... and will now hopefully have the same as I go to sleep. Who knows, God may even give me some dreams tonight, as thats what I've been praying for!!!

Washing dishes for Jesus ...

Jonathon was having his day off yesterday so was stuck on dishes all day in Chapter House. Actually wasn't that bad, and I was having one of those weird days when you feel all emotional for no apparent reason. You know the kind where you don't even really wanna talk to people.

Anyway, never read it, but have heard loads about Brother Lawrence's book 'Practicing the Presence of God', and I guess in a small way thats what I got to do. Doing the job gave m a weird satisfaction, as did knowing that even that was worship to God.

But, probably the biggest thing being on the dishes for all those hours did for me was give me some time and space to be with God. The night before when Jo and Alison were praying for me God really floored me. I mean, He was putting things in my head and then telling Jo who'd speak them out too. And the stuff was pretty huge for me. I thought I was dealing with the whole Mark stuff, and relationships, and where my security comes from etc ... or at least was putting up a good front thinking it'll get better ... but thankfully God knows it all already, regardless of if I try and hide it. And I know that He'll help me continue to work out the struggles I'm having at the moment. But yesterday, it was still very much on my mind, and so was a real blessing to be given space.

I have to say that I haven't really gotten anything any more sorted in my head, but I have started reading 'Authentic Beauty' again, a little later than God first told me, and I will work through all the added bits I skipped before. But before I'd even gotten to work God had reminded me that I was His. Was listening to Louie Giglio on the Soul In The City DVD (working through his talks at the moment), and building on all God taught me last week (the I am not, but I know I AM stuff that is), God reminded me that His name was 'Be'. I just needed to 'be' with Him, and that I really am His 'be-loved'. When I'm really struggling in the whole love, singleness, relationships, security stuff that really is a great thing for me to hear. And I need to remember that my attitude should first and foremost be to want to bless His name, regardless of the season I'm going through. I want to want to love Jesus with all I have, am and are going to become. To really know His Truth, and what it means to be His and have Him as mine. Despite having been a Christian for 10 years this year, I haven't quite grasped hold of that fully yet.


So Father, please help me to be honest with You. To really open up my heart to You, letting You into all the places I try to hide or put a brave face on. Show me how to grieve and how to really leave the past with You and break the chains and the ties that bind me up. Some of them have been loosened, but I know that You don't even want to leave me just in that place. I know You long to free me, and despite my stubornness, resistence, pride, freakishness, that's what I long for too. But it's funny how you can long for something, and know it'd be so great, but are so scared of the pain that You keep a hold of it. I guess I figure if I keep it hidden away, or have my fist clenched tightly round it then I have an excuse to feel the way I do, or behave the way I do ... and sometimes it's even just so I have a sense of security and a feeling of being in control, even if it's quite twisted in logical terms. You're the God that gives and takes away. Regardless of my feelings or my circumstances You are the Unchanging God, the same yesterday, tday and forever. You are still holy, and worthy, and awesome. You are still full of grace and mercy and love. You're name is still the one that deserves praise and honour and blessing. Thank You for keeping opening my eyes to the fact that You delight in Me. Help me to not belittle that, and realise that You really are all I need. Thank You for saving me, and for being patient with me as we continue to 'work out my salvation' on a daily basis. I know I can be so thick sometimes, and you really have to keep telling me things over and over again before I get them. Help me grow and mature in hearing from You and acting on it straight away without all the doubts or twenty million questions. And help me to leave my love story and my life story in Your hands. Help me to daily let You have the pen, put You in the driving seat. I'm such a control freak, and can hold on to things so tight. I pray I'd be able to let go and let You be God in everything in whatever way You should choose. I am not God, but You are. I am not strong, in fact I'm really weak, but You are strength. I'm not in control, but You are. I don't know what the future holds, but You do. And You are trustworthy. I am not, that I am painfully aware of. Please keep opening my eyes to the fact the You Are. That I am not, but I really do know I Am. Thank you Daddy

College update ...

Yahey! Had the best wee package waiting for me when I got home from work today. Was this years prospectus for the Baptist College. Send off my application about two weeks ago, so been waiting on something from them since then. Was a lovely wee note from Isabella saying they were looking forward to me starting to study there in September, and they'd send out all the course fee details in about a month. Will give her a wee call on Monday as I thought I had to go for interviews etc. Will just find out how that all works, and then if I am in, get a letter from them so I can start getting funding sorted, student account sorted etc. But so, so, so excited, looks like I'm finally gonna get a chance to be a proper student!!!

My week ...

Well, it's been a strange wee week...

Been stressing for ages about some of my friendships, but got most of that sorted last week. Such a huuuuggggeeeee answer to prayer!!! Had a brilliant dinner and catch up with Jo last week. Was so good just to enjoy some time relaxing together and getting to know each other more again. Claire, Linda and I had a girlie night on Saturday, and they introduced me to 'The Bodyguard'. Brilliant movie and amazing soundtrack ... where have I been all these years!!! Meeting Evonne is proving difficult, and so that's still a major prayer concern.

Did the Christian teaching for the BB on Friday night. If I'm honest I was dreading it. If it had been a group of girls I'd have been there in an instant, but not a group of boys. I had to eat my words! I loved it! The younger ones were cool to talk to because they didn't really know much to begin with, so that was fun. The older ones knew more, with many more questions. Some of the older ones have become Christians in the last few months, and you can really see a hunger in them to know more of God and how things apply into their lives. I came home well excited and can't wait 'till I go back and do more this Friday!

Sunday morning was very cool with Jim talking about goodness. Basically his main point was that kindness is an emotion and goodness is an action. As Christians we need to be showing goodness to people in a way that goes above and beyond anything we could do humanly. That's one of the marks of a growing Christian, and that's what helps point people to Jesus. Jen Diack got baptised on Sunday night which was well cool! The service was great, and the whole place just felt really rich with the presence of God in a tangible way. She was so funny when she was sharing her testimony, which is so powerful. She summed it up so well when she said that she came home from seeing her mum ion hospital and realised that if she died that night then she was going to hell and that wasn't a good thought! God is really at work in her and it's amazing to see. After we had some worship with the band. There was just a few of us, but it was really free and I really felt able to sing and move about however I wanted to ... and just had the most intimate time with my Father.

Also got offered a job in the cafe in Wesley Owen, which has now been made full-time. Started on Monday, and loving it so far. Really nice atmosphere, and the people are so friendly. Really cool chatting with the customers, and many want to share something God's done in them which is a real blessing to me. Sad to have left H Samuels (Saturday was my last day), was really beginning to build up good relationships. But, I'll keep in touch with a few people from there, so guess that's cool. Makes a change being in a staff room where it's normal to see Bibles and Christian books though! Was off today, but back tomorrow so looking forward to that ... though not so sure I'm looking forward to the 7:30 start!

So that's been my week so far ... so exciting ...

The Lectio Divina ...

Ok, was talking about examen prayer the other day ... well had a chance to put into practice the other kind of prayer I was learning about last night.

The Lectio Divina involves reading slowly and often aloud, until a word or a phrase begins to provoke you. Whatever that word or phrase is you stay with and pray into.

So, still having trouble sleeping at night. Still up 'till two and three in the morning at least. Last night was no exeption, and to add to it I had this really intense feeling of loneliness. I don't know where it came from, but have been experiencing it on and off recently. Last night was the worst though! God been giving me peace about being single, and wherever this loneliness came from it was deeper than just a longing for a boyfriend.

After a while of listening to music to see if that would help, an old song by Rebecca St. James came on. It's called 'Wait for Me' and is written by her as a love letter to her future husband. As I listened to it, it stopped being her singing it though, and somewhere within my spirit I felt Jesus singing it to me. You know, like His love letter to me.

From there I was taken back to the place where I fell in love with Jesus. it was as if I was sitting over a candlelit dinner with Him again, as we gazed and talked together. The feeling of loneliness began to fade away. As I listened to Him speak to me I recognised the words from a part of Song of Solomon:
'My darling, you are beautiful! Oh, you are beautiful ... among the young women, my darling is like a lily among thorns.'

Lying in my bed reading that again and again the words that kept coming back were lily and beautiful. God's been showing me over the past few months that I'm to be like a lily among thorns, a set apart young woman. Recently though I haven't always felt or acted that way. He was reminding me of what He thought. Being and feeling beautiful is something that I've always struggled with. Just last week I was sharing with Elaine about how, despite some of the things I've gone through over the past few months I was still eating. Not neccessarily feeling good about how I looked, but I hadn't stopped eating. She sent me the most beautiful card that Jesus had asked her to send to me to celebrate that. Again, it was Jesus way of reminding me that He thought I was beautiful. To Him I was special, and worth something.

It wasn't a loneliness for a boyfriend I was feeling, but a loneliness for Jesus. And so I went to sleep last night satisfied in Him. And guess what, today hasn't been so bad!

Was reading Song of Songs 2v3-13 today, and it just summed up everything beautifully for me!

Sad I know ...

Was just about to go to bed when I thought I'd have a look at another quiz. This one has only three questions and is quite accurate too. This was able to tell me relatively quickly what it took me weeks to discover in SHAPE ... though it has to be said, was good to get to grips with things on a deeper level. Anyway, here's my personality analysis:

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

So, with myself totally analyised out for today, I'm heading to bed. Praying I get some sleep tonight ...

What kind of coffee are you ...

Came across this wee quiz today by accident that told you what kind of coffee you were. As we all know, I love coffee, so I thought I'd give it a go. Here are my results:

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Wow! Amazing how accurate it was huh! Maybe I should really do something about that eh?! Think God might be telling me something when I ended up reading an article this morning from Joyce Meyer about de-toxing your body as well?!

Nah ... time for another cup of coffee ...

Isn't it funny ...

Just been thinking about how funny it is that we are often more honest when we're talking on msn than we are when we talk face to face. Why is that? Maybe it's because we're afraid of being vulnerable in front of people, but when we're talking to them over cyberspace and don't see them or hear their voice the fear is gone.

Being honest in that context also made me see how wrong our opinions can be. For example, was talking to a friend last night who shared things with me I never would have known otherwise. It changed my opinion on something and made me see it in a whole new light.

Talking to another friend tonight I realised that someone I thought didn't really want anything to do with me anymore, actually made themselves quite open and vulnerable with me. Maybe through miscommunication what I thought they felt about me they don't. Otherwise why allow youself to be so open. Who knows?!

God's been challenging me a lot on my attitude in relationships recently. Still working through it all. But one thing I'm learning is that one of the best ways to have a right attitude in relationships is to be open and honest with people. Especially in person, face to face, and straight away ... not just over msn!

And with that thought in my head I'm going to bed. No doubt I'll have more to say on this later ... especially as God ain't through with my attitude yet!

Examen ...

Spent a lot of time today reading Red Moon Rising, the story of 24-7 prayer. It's taking me forever to read, partly as I've not had as much time recently, and also as each chapter seems to make me think of something God's said to me at one time or something He wants me to hear now. The chapter I began with today was a virtual tour of a prayer room. Two things that struck me were the two new terms I learned for different types of prayer. Did some extra research on one in particular called EXAMEN.

Ephesians 6v18 (NCV)
'Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayer, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God's people.'

Examen comes from the tradition developed by a guy called St. Ignatius of Loyola, who basically was very practical in prayer and taught that there were two keys to being spiritually healthy. Firstly, look for God in everything; and secondly, work at becoming freer to do God's will. He suggested that people use the examen model of prayer on a daily basis to help with hearing Gid and discerning His will.

It has five steps in total, and though it suggests having 15 minutes to complete, I quickly realised that that time has to be really flexible in order to not limit God!

1. realise your in the presence of God
2. express thanks for the past 24 hours
   
3. ask the Holy Spirit for help
4. review the past 24 hours - especially reflecting on where God's presence might have been felt, any habits or life patterns both positive and negative etc
5. reconcile and resolve - both with God and possibly with other people

Pete Greig puts it really concisly when he writes
'Examen involves a deliberate commitment to recollect events in the presence of God - the opposite of Eastern meditation, which is about emptying the mind ... Examen asks people to look at the last 24 hours and take three steps:

1. express gratitude
2. reflect on how God's presence might have been tangible in that time
3. confess failure ...'

Good practice to get into. Really gonna try this approach more often. I especially like that before I reviewed the last 24 hours, with all the negative and positive things that had gone on, I'd already asked for the Spirit's help and thanked God for all the good things. I guess sometimes we make our prayers more like shopping lists of all the things we want, or a list of moans and groans, or even just tell Him all the stuff we want Him to deal with, that we forget first and foremost to thank Him and ask Him for His help ... or at least I know I'm guilty of that. Praising God and thanking Him first puts you in a whole different frame of mind when you come to God with all the other stuff - almost like a whole new perspective. And it's so much easier to hear from God in that place than a negitive one.

'In the end the prayer of examen is about noticing: noticing the good gifts God gives us, noticing the presence of God in our lives, and noticing the ways we fail God. When we notice, we become more concious, when we become more concious we grow.'
Richard Peace - Meditive Prayer


Father, thank You for today and all You've taught me. Thank You for all the good things You've given me. Help me to become more concious of You. To see You in everything around me. To really search for You. Open my eyes Jesus. And then with that new awareness, help me to grow. Please continue to grow me, change me and shape me into who You want me to be, and who You made me to be.

'And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heavens Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. This is the new, life-giving way that Christ opened up for us through the sacred curtain, by means of His death for us. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God's people, let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting Him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.'
Hebrews 10v19-23 (NLT)