It's all about looks ...

Ok, so went to the doctors today. Was asking about some pills, and he asked if I was taking them for my face. Way to make a girl feel good! Especially when thats not why I'm taking them! Tonight at girls group the girls were slagging me at one point. All innocent like. Think I'd said something, or one of them had, and it just hadn't come out right. As usual that kinda thing was jumped on right away! If I will open myself up to it! Similar thing just happened with Stewart on the phone. Again, totally innocent.

But, all day had negative comments about myself going through my head. Been watching the story with Matilda unfolding in 'Home and Away', and though it may sound sad, can totally identify with it. Know what it's like to feel so ugly and stupid and useless.

Know I've come so far, and know I probably won't ever go back to how bad things were before, but still have off days. And in general this is just an off time. Was writting about it in my book journal the other day cause felt too bad to even write it here. Funny how it always comes back to looks. Looks and personality. Seems like it's just a continuous hurdle, one you just get over, only for it to come back again in another form. So determined for things to be different, but fall every time. No matter whether it's about boys, image, whatever.

Seasons, everything comes in seasons. Guess this is just a tough season. Stewart's mum was talking to me on Monday morning about how sometimes you get a season where God totally withdraws, and you need to just keep going cause He wants you to be desperate for Him. Still in that season. Ties in with what Ali was talking about tonight too, that sometimes when we feel like this we need to keep talking to God. Need to talk to Him first, make the extra effort, not just give up until He speaks, after all why should he. As we were driving home we had on the Delerious? album where the line was

'God didn't make a mistake when He made ya,
He's the Father who loves to parade ya.'

Help me feel that God. Help me get back to the place where I'm happy and content with me. Where I like me again and amn't so negative. Where I can look, value and appreciate what You've made. Help me also to find joy in life again. To know You're there and You're real regardless of my feelings. You made me, body, mind, soul, emotions. Please help me keep a handle on them, keep perspective, keep control. I don't want to be hypocritical, teaching the girls one thing, but living another way. Help me through this season and this valley so I can be on the mountain top with you once more.
Amen