It's all about looks ...

Ok, so went to the doctors today. Was asking about some pills, and he asked if I was taking them for my face. Way to make a girl feel good! Especially when thats not why I'm taking them! Tonight at girls group the girls were slagging me at one point. All innocent like. Think I'd said something, or one of them had, and it just hadn't come out right. As usual that kinda thing was jumped on right away! If I will open myself up to it! Similar thing just happened with Stewart on the phone. Again, totally innocent.

But, all day had negative comments about myself going through my head. Been watching the story with Matilda unfolding in 'Home and Away', and though it may sound sad, can totally identify with it. Know what it's like to feel so ugly and stupid and useless.

Know I've come so far, and know I probably won't ever go back to how bad things were before, but still have off days. And in general this is just an off time. Was writting about it in my book journal the other day cause felt too bad to even write it here. Funny how it always comes back to looks. Looks and personality. Seems like it's just a continuous hurdle, one you just get over, only for it to come back again in another form. So determined for things to be different, but fall every time. No matter whether it's about boys, image, whatever.

Seasons, everything comes in seasons. Guess this is just a tough season. Stewart's mum was talking to me on Monday morning about how sometimes you get a season where God totally withdraws, and you need to just keep going cause He wants you to be desperate for Him. Still in that season. Ties in with what Ali was talking about tonight too, that sometimes when we feel like this we need to keep talking to God. Need to talk to Him first, make the extra effort, not just give up until He speaks, after all why should he. As we were driving home we had on the Delerious? album where the line was

'God didn't make a mistake when He made ya,
He's the Father who loves to parade ya.'

Help me feel that God. Help me get back to the place where I'm happy and content with me. Where I like me again and amn't so negative. Where I can look, value and appreciate what You've made. Help me also to find joy in life again. To know You're there and You're real regardless of my feelings. You made me, body, mind, soul, emotions. Please help me keep a handle on them, keep perspective, keep control. I don't want to be hypocritical, teaching the girls one thing, but living another way. Help me through this season and this valley so I can be on the mountain top with you once more.
Amen

That's My King!!!

THAT'S MY KING!

The Bible says my King is a seven-way king
He's the King of the Jews; that's a racial king
He's the King of Israel; that's a national King
He's the King of Righteousness
He's the King of the Ages
He's the King of Heaven
He's the King of Glory
He's the King of kings, and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.
Well....I wonder, do you know Him?

David said, "The Heavens declare the glory of God and the
firmament showeth His handiwork."
My King is a sovereign King.
No means of measure can define His limitless love.
No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility
the coastline of His shoreless supply.
No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings.
He's enduringly strong.
He's entirely sincere.
He's eternally steadfast.
He's immortally graceful.
He's imperially powerful.
He's impartially merciful.
Do you know Him?

He's the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizon of this world.
He's God's Son.
He's the sinner's Savior.
He's the centerpiece of civilization.
He stands in the solitude of Himself.
He's august and He's unique.
He's unparalleled.
He's unprecedented.
He is the loftiest idea in literature.
He's the highest personality in philosophy.
He is the supreme problem in higher criticism.
He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology.
He is the cardinal necessity for spiritual religion.
He's the miracle of the age.
He's -- yes He is –
He is the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him.

He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient Savior.
I wonder if you know Him today?
He supplies strength for the weak.
He's available for the tempted and the tried.
He sympathizes and He saves.
He strengthens and sustains.
He guards and He guides.
He heals the sick.
He cleansed the lepers.
He forgives sinners.
He discharges debtors.
He delivers the captives.
He defends the feeble.
He blesses the young.
He serves the unfortunate.
He regards the aged.
He rewards the diligent....and He beautifies the meek.
I wonder if you know Him?

Well, my King....He is the King!
He's the key to knowledge.
He's the wellspring of wisdom.
He's the doorway of deliverance.
He's the pathway of peace.
He's the roadway of righteousness.
He's the highway of holiness.
He's the gateway of glory.
Do you know Him?

Well, His office is manifold.
His promise is sure....and His light is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
And His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.
I wish I could describe Him to you,
but He's indescribable -- Yes He is!? He is God!
He's incomprehensible.
He's invincible.
He's irresistible.
Well, you can't get Him out of your mind.
You can't get Him off of your hand.
You can't out live Him, and you can't live without Him.

The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him.
Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him.
The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree.
Herod couldn't kill Him.
Death couldn't handle Him, and the grave couldn't hold Him.
Yea!!!, that's my King, that's my King.

Yes, and Thine is the Kingdom....and the Power....and the Glory....Forever....and ever, and ever, and ever – How long is that?
And ever, and ever.

And when you get through with all of the forevers, then. AMEN!
Good God Almighty! AMEN! AMEN!

Dr. Lockridge
(That's my King - preached in Detroit 1976)

Now that's one amazing preach!!! He really knew God, had a grasp on His awesomeness and His vastness. Each time I hear this, it doesn't seem to matter where I am with God - doing good or bad - it always stirs me in my spirit!

Can't work out how to put it on the blog, but here's a cool link where you can watch a video with the words and some good images:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnTskwvR7Qo

Where's the honesty gone ...

T asked me an interesting question this afternoon. Telling me to be honest he asked me if I was glad I had come to the college. After a pause I responded. That pause was very telling.

I guess I am to an extent as am learning loads. Have to keep holding to the fact I know God said that I could study - and in particular I was to study there though. But, actually, gladness, well, not sure. Feels like I spend a good majority of the time just asking myself what the heck I am doing there - trying to keep hold of the fact God sees the bigger picture even if I don't.

Still finding life with God a total struggle at the moment. Was with the girlies tonight, talking to them about stuff to do with being a Christian and life - but actually feeling a little hypocritical. Am I actually living it in truth right now. Answer, no. Life with Jesus feels like it makes no difference at all, and that it's a battle every day. The strange thing is, that I would rarely tell people I feel like that. In reality, who would I tell?

Spoke to L about it last night. Haven't even mentioned it to S at all. Try to talk to God about it, but feels like I'm either talking to thin air or that it's hitting off the wall. No-one else has a clue. Not sure if I don't mention it because I'm not sure what people's reackons would be, don't want to disappoint them ... maybe it's because I don't want to let people see my weakness and failings ... or maybe its actually also because in reality we do rarely talk about when being in relationship with God is the hardest thing thats going on. On a whole as Christians, unless its someone you're really open and honest with (like I am with L), then you talk about struggles, hardships, temptations ... but all in the context of having Jesus ... not in the context of feeling like even life with Jesus is the struggle. And if you do mention it, when you've plucked up the courage, people just don't engage with you on it - they cover it with neat and tidy pat answers. Remember having M as a mentor once. She wasn't my Christian mentor, but was mentoring me on my eating and self-image mainly. She wasn't a Christian, though she was exploring church, and actually one of the nicest things was the freedom to be totally honest with her and not get the ususal expected answers.

Where has that type of honesty gone. That raw, total honesty. Why don't I have it with people, and why is it so hard to find and keep. At the same time - why does it feel like this struggle is never ending. I know it will, because I know the neat, tidy answers to questions like these. But like we were discussing in preaching class today - you need to feel it. And I don't feel it - I feel about as far from it as I could get just now.

All that out now, I'm going to bed.

Mum's car stuck in a ford. She was in it before she knew it was there - need to wait til tomorrow to see whats going to happen with it, and what exactly the state of damage is etc. Talk about something we didn't need as a family right now! Still, L comes to stay tomorrow for the next couple of nights which will be cool. E's getting married on Saturday, and old friends will be united, can't wait. Nervous about the wedding with S on Sunday, don't want to show him up at all, want to be the best I can be for him. Still sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for him, but know thats just something I need to learn to deal with - I need to not think like that because it's so distructive. Still, don't see what a guy like hims doing with a girlie like me.

Ok, it really is bed time now. Need to get up at silly o'clock for work in the morning, and am just so shattered at the moment. Here's hoping I actually get some decent sleep ...

Interesting fact of the day ...

G was leading student prayers today and though I don't remember all he said, I do remember the interesting fact he told us about fruit. Apparently if you place a piece of ripe fruit next to another piece of fruit then it will ripen faster.

Was thinking about that in relation to Jesus. Passage in question for today was from Hebrews 10v10-14, 19-25. End of the passage talks about the fact that now we have atonement because of Jesus we can boldly enter God's presence, drawing near to God in full assurance. In terms of fruit, then I guess that relates to what I was thinking about last night. If I'm closer to Jesus, then He'll 'ripen' me - but it's my choice to enter. And at the moment that choice feels really hard. Don't remember the last time I felt this insecure or dry. It's like God and I have a relationship where He talks sometimes, I listen sometimes, but the intimacy is hard to come by. Want to know that assurance of the blood of Jesus cleansing me, so that I can boldly enter in full confidence.

My Bible notes for today really hit on some of that as well. Here's a little excerpt (Inspiring Women Everyday)
'You cannot fulfil God's purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans. Just when you have dealt with self and are enjoying you newfound journey with Jesus, our will rears its ugly head again! ... True surrender of the will is, without a doubt, based on complete confidence in the One to whom it is surrendered, and yeilding ourselves to the One in whom we have put our trust.'

Think my will is not trying to stop me fulfilling God's purposes as such ... I think it's more clinging to an old way of life. I know I need to let it go, but it's much nicer to just leave things the way they are. Know I can't do that. Maybe thats the truth, that the reality is that I'm not intimate with Jesus because I'm avoiding it. I know that intimacy with Him means that I need to change some things, let some things go, and I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, but maybe the truth is actually that I'm hurting myself more in my dishonesty. Everytime I begin to think I've dealt with something, or that finally I'm over something, either I slip back into old ways, or God turns up the heat on it again. I know that He does it to refine me, but its hot! I know its for my own good, but sometimes its harder to surrender to it than at other times.

Was watching Mattie in Home And Away tonight, where she tried to cover up that she had bulemia. Now, I've been there with the whole eating disorder thing, so not too hard to get into her mind. But felt like I could identify with her just now too, the pushing people away because you don't want them to get too close. Too close means they see the 'real' you, and means they could hurt you or reject you. So you kind of use other methods and push everything under the carpet, you cope. But really your dying inside. I feel like a mix of emotions inside at the moment, some of which I can explain the reason for, and others I can't, but it feels like I'm dying inside at times. At others it just feels numb, punctuated with times that feel really good, but don't last. Last week I nearly bit S's head off when he tried to explore why I said something. He kept pushing it because he cares, and because he thinks its important. But I had barriers up good and proper. We talked about how there should be none between us, and how we should actively seek to take them down, but right there and then I just couldn't. I pushed him away. Just like I push God away on a daily basis, or hold Him at arms length, keeping things on my terms, afraid to surrender and give my all because then I have no control. It all comes down to control in the end I guess. I hate the feeling of being out of control, and giving myself completely to God on every single thing means I'd be completely out of control.

Just had the sudden realisation, this is where I always end up. Sometimes the issues change, but always comes back to control. God wants to be in control of my life, and I won't surrender it completely. I stay in the Valley, powerless and presenceless, because I haven't been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Jim was talking on Sunday night about how to survive and have power and presence in the Valley (of life) then we needed to have been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Not that we needed to stay there, but we needed to have at least been there. Was talking out of the Transfiguration in Mark 9.

Aside from the me stuff, there were also some things that he kept saying that seemed out of context, but seemed to speak to me about S and I, haven't been able to get them out my mind since. Like I said, it seemed out of context, and totally wouldn't have spoken to at least half the congregation. He kept saying that we should let God influence and decide who we go out with, and who we marry. He must have said it at least three times. Its been on my mind ever since - ain't it funny that God still speaks some stuff to me when I'm fighting with Him on surrendering everything to Him.

Before I started going out with S, while we were still in the 'going on dates' stage, I was praying about whether I should get together with him - after my last relationship, needed to be sure God was ok with it - and I felt God give me a real peace. Really sensed Him saying that it was ok, he was right for me, and at the right time we'd get together, I didn't need to stress. So I didn't, and after about six weeks we got together. About four months down the line I began to think that we weren't communicating well, and so should we split. As usual, didn't talk to S, other than to worry him, but thankfully before I did, God showed me that I was not close to Him, so how could I be close to S. Very true, and so I spoke to him about it, and it all got sorted out. Now, here I am six months in, and I'm questioning things again. Not in a bad way, not like I wanna split up with him ... that couldn't be further from the truth. But last week I couldn't tell him about how I feel about myself ... I was awake half the night thinking about 'us' stuff, and as a result had a 'fat day' today. The 'us' stuff was about how we talk about God and church stuff - but actually do we encourage each other. We're intimate in some ways, and I don't want that to change necessarily, but feels like we look to everywhere else but each other for spiritual support. He goes to the guys, I have L and the girls. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself, but actually we avoid each other a bit when it comes to spiritual stuff - we talk about some stuff, but then our spiritual sides are totally cut off from each other.

If God's allowed me to go out with him, I would even go as far as to say brought us together, then why are we so cut off from each other when it comes to God? God's stopped me making a mistake and breaking up with him in the time we've been together, yet we're not growing together spiritually. We both want to honour God and serve Him, but it feels as though that just always happens totally independant of each other. I'm not quite sure how to fix this, and I'm totally not saying that we need to start going to church together or anything like that ... I'm just acknowledging the fact that this just doesn't feel right.

Apart from the bit in Hebrews from this morning that talks about entering into the presence of the Most Holy, it also says that we 'consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds.' (v24) I want to be and do that for S in our relationship as much as anything else. And as much as I do that for other friends and they do that for me. Know I need to chat with him about it, helps just to get it all out first. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight now that I've verballised some of what I'm feeling. Who knows!

Guess the prayer from the end of my notes sums everything up well:
'Lord, I give You my regrets, my problems, my past, my future, my ambitions, my dreams, my weaknesses, my habits, my hurts, my will. Amen.'

And now I guess I should go to bed ... brain still active, so praying I sleep ...

A fresh challenge ...

Haven't posted in a while, which is all about to change again. Finding it harder and harder work to keep my personal journal at the moment, for a whole variety of reasons, so hoping this might work better instead.

Was reading someone else's blog the other day where they muzzed on blogging being a public reflection, and today he was thinking of it along the lines of prayer. Think this is what I want my blog to be about, reflection and prayer finding expression.


Finished reading the book about Rachel Joy Scott again tonight. Have been re-struck with how she was in her journals, how she poured out herself in them, being who she truely was. Rachel was killed in the Columbine high school shooting, 20 April 1999. She was 17, only two years older than me - but a whole lot older in her maturity and understanding of God than I was / am. In her journals she reflected about all that she was seeing, feeling, going through - she cried out to God from the depths of her soul and she praised God with the whole of her being. Rachel had a living and vibrant relationship with God, that found words in what she expressed through journals. Her parents only found her journals in the weeks and months after her death, and for them it put into words what they had seen in their daughters life. Letting us see them in the book (Rachel's Tears), they invited us into the life of their daughter, and I have been encouraged, inspired and deeply challenged all over again.

Yet, if she hadn't have died, I would never have seen them, and they'd never have had the impact on me they have. For many years she's been my little inspiration, but reading the book once more has brought it all to the forefront of my mind. I read it in order to write about her with accuracy for an American talk, but I think I have been challenged more than I will maybe challenge others. For weeks now I have felt like my relationship with God has lost it's vibrancy and intimacy. Mainly it's because it's me thats changed, not Him, and we're working on it together. Yet, it still feels like such a slog. I know it is worth it, and I can't imagine living without Jesus in my life at all. Reading the book though has just continued the challenge to get back to that place where Jesus is my all in all, and where He totally has my all - not just in lip service, but in reality. I guess thats it in a nut-shell, to have the reality of God in my life again.

Think thats why I want to blog again, why I feel challenged to journal (and in turn blog) again. That way I can publically reflect, and who knows, God may use it to speak to someone else. More than that though, for me it can once again be the prayer that used to be my handwritten journals. Where the reality of God being in my life can be explored and expressed. A place where I can cry out to God from the depth of my soul, and praise Him with my whole being too.

What I long for is a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus. If it's what I long for, it's about time I began to actively pursue it ...


Oh, and here's what the book looks like for any that may wish to read it. They come with a warning though - prepare to be challenged!

Rachels Tears
First book by her parents about her life and death, with journal entries throughout.
(The one I've just finished)

Rachel's Smiles
Follow up book by her dad looking at the qualities she thought could start a ripple effect, a chain reaction - things like compassion, love, kindness etc.

Type her name into a search engine and you have a wealth of information about her life, journals and art, and death - have a look for yourself. She has deeply affected the lives of loads of people, just like she knew God would somehow use her too.