Just before I go to bed I must remember to put this here. Checked out Jeff's blog today, just to see if he was posting again. He is, finally!!! And as ever his journal was a massive encouragement and blessing. But something he shared about reading the encounter with Jesus and Peter (when Jesus asks him if he loves Him three times) really struck me and did for me just what it did for Jeff. Love looking at Greek and Hebrew words to really discover the true meaning of things, people just laugh at me for it normally ... but this is one place I've never thought to check out before.
Peter tells Jesus he'll always love him, never desert or deny Him etc. Right after that He does. John 21v15-17 picks up the story after Jesus is risen again, appears to some of the disciples as their fishing and ends up having breakfast with them. Jesus then asks Peter three times if he loves him (in my head Jesus has taken Peter off to the side and the two of them are alone and intimate). In my translation (as in most) Jesus question three times is "Do you love me?" Each time Peter pretty much responds with "Yes, Lord, You know that I do." Three times the question is asked, more than likely (as most people conclude) because Peter denied Jesus three times. Pretty straight forward eh? Not so, as Jeff discovered...
'but... thats not a great translation.
try this.
Jesus: Peter do you totally love me. totally?
Peter: You know I am fond of you.
Jesus: Peter, Do you totally love me?
Peter: You know I am fond of you.
Jesus: Peter, are you fond of me?
Peter: Jesus, you know everything, you know that I am.
now that to me is completely different.
so how did i get there?
In greek there are several different words that into english are translated "love"
"Eros" - sexual love
"Agape" - total sacraficial love
"Phileo" - friendship/fond of type of love
and there are others.
Jesus asks peter the first two times if he "agape" loves him,
and peter replys that he "phileo" loves him.
then the third time Jesus asks whether peter "phileo" loves him. and Peter can reply yes.
This is the man who said that he would never never leave,
now being so humble, that he can only say he "phileo" loves Jesus.
and Jesus says thats ok,
and still commissions Peter to be the rock of his church.
that is mind blowing.
Peter can't even say that he totally and utterly loves Jesus.
He can't say "I will never leave you, or desert you"
He can't say "no matter what comes, what pain i feel, I'm yours"
All he can say is, "You're my friend. You know my heart, probably than I do, you knew it better than me last time."
I think Peter says "you tell me to feed your sheep, but you knew last time i let you down, and you know whether I'll let you down again, i don't trust my heart all i can say is that I am your friend. "
Wow wow wow.'
Jeff, hope you don't mind me nicking this to post here, but it totally blew my mind too. Sometimes I beat myself up because I fail God all the time. I want to be sold out for Him to the extent where I will do anything, go anywhere etc. I want to love Him that much - the agape kinda love. But I'm me, and I fail all the time. And then I get discouraged, either feeling so bad and living under guilt, or starting to believe that God can't use an idiot like me, I'll just disappoint and let Him down. Yes, more than likely I will fail, but this shows me that that's ok. God doesn't expect me to be perfect, but rather come to Him as I am, whatever state that is, and He'll accept me and use me anyway. There is hope! He loves me with agape love, and will help me on my journey to love Him in the same way!!!
Thank you Jeff for the post, and thank you Jesus for the insight You've given!
Now, I really must go to bed!!!
Monday, May 29, 2006
Panic over ...
How good is God! He knows me so so well, and always speaks into my situations right when I really need Him to. Yesterday at church is a classic example. Jim had preached a great sermon in the morning, and as usual I was really looking forward to going to East Mains again at night. However, I had spent all afternoon looking at college stuff, funding etc (as my blog yesterday shows), and to be totally honest had freaked myself out. Not just with the funding stuff, but with other thoughts that have been flying around my head for weeks now.
So here are my worries. First one is that I'll be the only female student at the college. I'm all for female equality and stuff, like I've often said I'd have been a feminist if God hadn't shown me it was wrong. But I'm a little scared about being the only one at college, and having little in the way of girlie input. I've always been annoyed about how it's still a man's world, even if we don't admit it always, in churches and organisations. And for some reason it seems more emphesised in the Christian world, almost as if we're even further behind. I've already been warned that some churches may not want me as I'm female, but some definately will ... and that both annoys and scares me.
Then there's the fact I'll only be 22 when I start. And it'll be a recent 22. I'm still a baby, or thats how it feels most of the time. Yet I'll be there studying things with people a lot older than me, trying to hold my own. When I was reading my module outlines yeasterday all I could think was that I needed a dictionary just to be able to understand the first sentence, how will I cope in lectures etc. Despite Ian telling me that the fact I'm constantly taking notes will help, there's a difference between taking the notes and actually understanding what they're talking about!
Added to those two is a third. Some would say I'm child-like, but most of the time I just think of it as child-ish. I'm really not that mature, I still have so much in the way of growing up to do. And given reasons one and two for being scared, three just compunds it. What if I'm not accepted by people. At the end of the day I know God's called me to youth work, and thats a little different than the ministry stuff that the others will have been called to. What if my ideas, or thoughts on stuff are more trouble-some than refreshing to people? And what if it swings the other way, and I come out, I don't know, maybe 'stuffy' is the best way to describe it, having lost that excitement and passion? Thats the last thing I want to happen!
And so, all these thoughts have been rushing around my head for weeks. Working in Wesley Owen is a real struggle, and not just there. More in me as well, in terms of battling with pride and that being where God has placed me for the moment, for a reason. I'm not less of a human because of it. Yet I guess it's just weird saying thats where I work now, after being a credible youth worker for so long, and always wanting to end the sentence with "but I'm going to Bible College in Spetember." Yet despite saying that, inside I'm harbouring all these little fears and insecurities, that while I tell God about them, it's more in a 'what are you thinking sending me there' kinda way rather than a 'need your help' one.
So it was into all of that that God spoke last night. And His timing, as ever, could not have been more perfect!
Charlene was leading worship last night as Stewarty's band was playing, and right before Jim's sermon this was the song we sang. I love this song, and have played it quite a bit recently (thanks again Ricky for the blokes prayer worship cd's!), but at the time didn't realise how perfectly it tied into the sermon. Anyway, as we were worshipping I had to just sit and soak in God. He took me back to Pizza Hut the other night with Stewart. I had been talking about someone, having a rant almost because a situation was really on my heart. Anyway, I'd commented about how I wished sometimes God had made me to care so much, to be so compassionate and passionate about people. Sometimes it hurt too much and I wished I could just walk away.
God took me there, to that conversation, to show me that He was pleased that He'd made me that way. He told me not to wish to be different, I was made to care for people. He had made me like that to send me out among people. And though it may be hard at times, and I may not like it, He made me like that and it's a good thing. Had a feeling about homeless people figuring in there somewhere, but God didn't reveal much more of what that means. Will keep in mind, and maybe pray some more into it. Not sure if it's partly because of what Laney said a while ago. Also know God was talking generally about not depising me heart, but embracing it and enlarging it more. Ties in with some other stuff too, which is just confirmation, always good. Whatever, I just really needed to hear that word from Him!
Then God just spoke even more to me during Jim's sermon. In Mark 6 just now in our evening Mark study series. Looked at the bit where Jesus moves around the villages, calling the follwers to Himself, preparing them and then sending them out with His instructions and authority to do His work. Jim felt that God had been telling him as he prepared that this was to be some people's nights, as God spoke to them about being sent out to do something they had been thinking about. That God calls us to Himself, to be intimate and prepare us, so that He can then send us out!
Jim spoke about it in two stages. Stage one being hearing the call of Jesus and going for it, and then stage two being sent out in His power and authority. Within that Jesus tells us to travel light with possessions - probably good stuff for me to hear, what with all my unpacked boxes and stuff! But more about the fact I've been stressing about what I'll do money wise when I'm at uni, and moaning about having to live at home etc, when all the time God's been saying don't become obsessed with it or let it matter too much. Seek Me and My Kingdom first and let Me add the rest onto it ... the stuff you need not want, the best for you from Me.
Jesus sent people out in His power and authority and told them not to worry about what people thought. About people rejecting them. People won't always like or accept me, let alone love me. Jesus tells me not to worry about that, or become hung up on it, but instead to move on. That's the view I need to take while I'm at college. Not to worry, change or try to conform, but just be me - loving God and letting Him love me. Jim shared something someone shared with him that changes things for him, and it made me think differently:
"Even if I mess up this day, even if people don't like or love me, my Heavenly Father does!"
I'm being sent out in God's power - to preach, to heal, to cast out demons. And that's what I'm to do. Declare and demonstrate, it's in His power, not mine. Which brings with it the final thing on obedience. When Jesus said go, the followers went. They didn't hagggle, or try and negotiate, question or second guess. Jesus said go ... and they just went. God's told me to go to Baptist College, He's called me into ministry ... I need to just obey. He's told me to do things before that have seemed impossible, but He's enabled me and it's been amazing. Why should now be different? God's never been wrong, or late, or stupid before now, so He's not gonna start now! With God you either say yes or you say no, there's no room for negotiation. Each time you say no, it becomes easier to say no the next time. Equally every time you say yes, it becomes easier the next time, because you realise more of what God can do. And if I talk about wanting to be all God wants me to be, and do all He wants me to do, not settling for mediocre and second best then the path of obedience is the only one I can walk. As every testimony I've ever heard from any Godly, wise person I respect shows me, and as I'm discovering for myself more and more, obedience at the end of the day is well worth any cost.
God's called me on an amazing adventure. It's scary, and I may not have a clue where God's leading and what exactly it all means. But how cool that He would plan such an adventure for me. Every time I get on a rollercoaster I freak out before hand. Almost every time I wanna chicken out, my hearts pounding, my palms are sweating, I'm thinking I have to be crazy to be doing this ... but when I'm on that ride it's the most amazing feeling. All the intensity of the build up is worth it. And I get off ready for anything, desperately wanting to do it all again. My life with Jesus is a rollercoaster ride, full of every emotion and feeling possible ... but when I get to heaven I long to hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant" and to be able to respond with "phew, what a ride ... can we do it again!"
Fill me up and send me out Jesus!!!
So here are my worries. First one is that I'll be the only female student at the college. I'm all for female equality and stuff, like I've often said I'd have been a feminist if God hadn't shown me it was wrong. But I'm a little scared about being the only one at college, and having little in the way of girlie input. I've always been annoyed about how it's still a man's world, even if we don't admit it always, in churches and organisations. And for some reason it seems more emphesised in the Christian world, almost as if we're even further behind. I've already been warned that some churches may not want me as I'm female, but some definately will ... and that both annoys and scares me.
Then there's the fact I'll only be 22 when I start. And it'll be a recent 22. I'm still a baby, or thats how it feels most of the time. Yet I'll be there studying things with people a lot older than me, trying to hold my own. When I was reading my module outlines yeasterday all I could think was that I needed a dictionary just to be able to understand the first sentence, how will I cope in lectures etc. Despite Ian telling me that the fact I'm constantly taking notes will help, there's a difference between taking the notes and actually understanding what they're talking about!
Added to those two is a third. Some would say I'm child-like, but most of the time I just think of it as child-ish. I'm really not that mature, I still have so much in the way of growing up to do. And given reasons one and two for being scared, three just compunds it. What if I'm not accepted by people. At the end of the day I know God's called me to youth work, and thats a little different than the ministry stuff that the others will have been called to. What if my ideas, or thoughts on stuff are more trouble-some than refreshing to people? And what if it swings the other way, and I come out, I don't know, maybe 'stuffy' is the best way to describe it, having lost that excitement and passion? Thats the last thing I want to happen!
And so, all these thoughts have been rushing around my head for weeks. Working in Wesley Owen is a real struggle, and not just there. More in me as well, in terms of battling with pride and that being where God has placed me for the moment, for a reason. I'm not less of a human because of it. Yet I guess it's just weird saying thats where I work now, after being a credible youth worker for so long, and always wanting to end the sentence with "but I'm going to Bible College in Spetember." Yet despite saying that, inside I'm harbouring all these little fears and insecurities, that while I tell God about them, it's more in a 'what are you thinking sending me there' kinda way rather than a 'need your help' one.
So it was into all of that that God spoke last night. And His timing, as ever, could not have been more perfect!
God of Justice (We Must Go)
God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served
Jesus, You have called us
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give
We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go
To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God
You have shown us, what You require
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give
We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out, Lord
God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served
Jesus, You have called us
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give
We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go
To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God
You have shown us, what You require
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give
We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out, Lord
Charlene was leading worship last night as Stewarty's band was playing, and right before Jim's sermon this was the song we sang. I love this song, and have played it quite a bit recently (thanks again Ricky for the blokes prayer worship cd's!), but at the time didn't realise how perfectly it tied into the sermon. Anyway, as we were worshipping I had to just sit and soak in God. He took me back to Pizza Hut the other night with Stewart. I had been talking about someone, having a rant almost because a situation was really on my heart. Anyway, I'd commented about how I wished sometimes God had made me to care so much, to be so compassionate and passionate about people. Sometimes it hurt too much and I wished I could just walk away.
God took me there, to that conversation, to show me that He was pleased that He'd made me that way. He told me not to wish to be different, I was made to care for people. He had made me like that to send me out among people. And though it may be hard at times, and I may not like it, He made me like that and it's a good thing. Had a feeling about homeless people figuring in there somewhere, but God didn't reveal much more of what that means. Will keep in mind, and maybe pray some more into it. Not sure if it's partly because of what Laney said a while ago. Also know God was talking generally about not depising me heart, but embracing it and enlarging it more. Ties in with some other stuff too, which is just confirmation, always good. Whatever, I just really needed to hear that word from Him!
Then God just spoke even more to me during Jim's sermon. In Mark 6 just now in our evening Mark study series. Looked at the bit where Jesus moves around the villages, calling the follwers to Himself, preparing them and then sending them out with His instructions and authority to do His work. Jim felt that God had been telling him as he prepared that this was to be some people's nights, as God spoke to them about being sent out to do something they had been thinking about. That God calls us to Himself, to be intimate and prepare us, so that He can then send us out!
Jim spoke about it in two stages. Stage one being hearing the call of Jesus and going for it, and then stage two being sent out in His power and authority. Within that Jesus tells us to travel light with possessions - probably good stuff for me to hear, what with all my unpacked boxes and stuff! But more about the fact I've been stressing about what I'll do money wise when I'm at uni, and moaning about having to live at home etc, when all the time God's been saying don't become obsessed with it or let it matter too much. Seek Me and My Kingdom first and let Me add the rest onto it ... the stuff you need not want, the best for you from Me.
Jesus sent people out in His power and authority and told them not to worry about what people thought. About people rejecting them. People won't always like or accept me, let alone love me. Jesus tells me not to worry about that, or become hung up on it, but instead to move on. That's the view I need to take while I'm at college. Not to worry, change or try to conform, but just be me - loving God and letting Him love me. Jim shared something someone shared with him that changes things for him, and it made me think differently:
"Even if I mess up this day, even if people don't like or love me, my Heavenly Father does!"
I'm being sent out in God's power - to preach, to heal, to cast out demons. And that's what I'm to do. Declare and demonstrate, it's in His power, not mine. Which brings with it the final thing on obedience. When Jesus said go, the followers went. They didn't hagggle, or try and negotiate, question or second guess. Jesus said go ... and they just went. God's told me to go to Baptist College, He's called me into ministry ... I need to just obey. He's told me to do things before that have seemed impossible, but He's enabled me and it's been amazing. Why should now be different? God's never been wrong, or late, or stupid before now, so He's not gonna start now! With God you either say yes or you say no, there's no room for negotiation. Each time you say no, it becomes easier to say no the next time. Equally every time you say yes, it becomes easier the next time, because you realise more of what God can do. And if I talk about wanting to be all God wants me to be, and do all He wants me to do, not settling for mediocre and second best then the path of obedience is the only one I can walk. As every testimony I've ever heard from any Godly, wise person I respect shows me, and as I'm discovering for myself more and more, obedience at the end of the day is well worth any cost.
God's called me on an amazing adventure. It's scary, and I may not have a clue where God's leading and what exactly it all means. But how cool that He would plan such an adventure for me. Every time I get on a rollercoaster I freak out before hand. Almost every time I wanna chicken out, my hearts pounding, my palms are sweating, I'm thinking I have to be crazy to be doing this ... but when I'm on that ride it's the most amazing feeling. All the intensity of the build up is worth it. And I get off ready for anything, desperately wanting to do it all again. My life with Jesus is a rollercoaster ride, full of every emotion and feeling possible ... but when I get to heaven I long to hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant" and to be able to respond with "phew, what a ride ... can we do it again!"
Fill me up and send me out Jesus!!!
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Trying not to panic!
Have spent most of this afternoon trying to get to grips with college stuff! Ahh, getting very close to a panic attack ... beginning to re-think the whole thing ... maybe God got it wrong?!?
Ok, so maybe not! But it's tougher than I thought. Looked at my college timetable, which I could kinda almost make sense of. The fees e-mail made too much sense (surely there are too many digits in the fees bit!), and the college calander was just full of scary dates! Tim assured me that though the course would be hard, the break down of it on-line was easy to understand - are we going to the same college?! Printed off the module break-downs to get my head around later ... like when I have a dictionary by my side!
The whole thing is just getting more real every day. Tim was talking about his exams last week, as he and Jim had a little ethics discussion - all the while rattling off titles of books I really should read before I go. Ian was commenting on my note taking during sermons and how useful that will be in college, as well as scaring me with the gravity of what I'm undertaking.
I guess when I sensed this really was where God was leading me at the moment I didn't fully get it. I'm going to be studying for four years! This will be my life until 2010! I'll be 25, almost 26 when I finally graduate! And I'll be living at home, most probably for the majority, if not all of that time!!!
Kinda gotten used to only thinking about life from year to year. That's all I really had to do with YFC. Everything was constantly changing, I was constantly on the move. Been dying to finally lay some roots, but my mentality is still stuck in the 'it's the end of a year, I should be moving on' process, not quite ready for the 'I'm staying here, and about to start a four year thing' shift in thought.
And then try and work out finances! Been to the bank this week to change to a student account. Thankfully that was simpler than I thought, and has actually been the simplist thing so far about the whole college process! It's a maze of papers and guidelines and requirements. If I was just going to a 'normal' uni it would be so much more straight forward - but when has that ever been the case with me. E-mailed off the SAAS to see what I need to do and how exactly I need to do it. Discovered the deadline for funding applications is in a month - and I'm still trying to get my head around what exactly happens with course fees, student loans ... ahhh, my head hurts!!!
But I know this is what I'm being called to, and so will get through it. God wouldn't call me to something and then abandon me in it, which means that one way or another I'll get the finances sorted and my head around everything. End of May and June just crept up a little sooner than I was planning on!
Rant over!!!
Ok, so maybe not! But it's tougher than I thought. Looked at my college timetable, which I could kinda almost make sense of. The fees e-mail made too much sense (surely there are too many digits in the fees bit!), and the college calander was just full of scary dates! Tim assured me that though the course would be hard, the break down of it on-line was easy to understand - are we going to the same college?! Printed off the module break-downs to get my head around later ... like when I have a dictionary by my side!
The whole thing is just getting more real every day. Tim was talking about his exams last week, as he and Jim had a little ethics discussion - all the while rattling off titles of books I really should read before I go. Ian was commenting on my note taking during sermons and how useful that will be in college, as well as scaring me with the gravity of what I'm undertaking.
I guess when I sensed this really was where God was leading me at the moment I didn't fully get it. I'm going to be studying for four years! This will be my life until 2010! I'll be 25, almost 26 when I finally graduate! And I'll be living at home, most probably for the majority, if not all of that time!!!
Kinda gotten used to only thinking about life from year to year. That's all I really had to do with YFC. Everything was constantly changing, I was constantly on the move. Been dying to finally lay some roots, but my mentality is still stuck in the 'it's the end of a year, I should be moving on' process, not quite ready for the 'I'm staying here, and about to start a four year thing' shift in thought.
And then try and work out finances! Been to the bank this week to change to a student account. Thankfully that was simpler than I thought, and has actually been the simplist thing so far about the whole college process! It's a maze of papers and guidelines and requirements. If I was just going to a 'normal' uni it would be so much more straight forward - but when has that ever been the case with me. E-mailed off the SAAS to see what I need to do and how exactly I need to do it. Discovered the deadline for funding applications is in a month - and I'm still trying to get my head around what exactly happens with course fees, student loans ... ahhh, my head hurts!!!
But I know this is what I'm being called to, and so will get through it. God wouldn't call me to something and then abandon me in it, which means that one way or another I'll get the finances sorted and my head around everything. End of May and June just crept up a little sooner than I was planning on!
Rant over!!!
Friday, May 26, 2006
Yahey! I'm back!
Finally have computer working again, which finally means I can begin writting here again. So much has happened in the last few months since I posted. Would take a while to get my head around it all to write it down, maybe I'll try ... but not until tomorrow!
I just wanted to get my first post up before I go to bed. Have my girlie group in the morning, really looking forward to it ... unfortunately not looking forward to the 9am start as much! But plan on spending the rest of the day writting prayer stuff for the Atlanta mission and watching movies, so guess I can add some extra sleep into that too!
One quick thought before I go to bed though - how good is God. Julie and I been talking a little this week over delighting ourselves in God, as He gives us the desires of our hearts, as He's the one that placed them there. She came in today and was telling me about how she was pouring our heart out to Him, and she felt Him say to her that He delights in her. How cool is that! God delights in us like a lover, as we delight in Him! No wonder the desires of our hearts are fulfilled, as He becomes the obbsession of our hearts, desires and affections. Everything else falls into line within that, from friends, work, partners, etc, you name it. It all begins in delighting in each other though, and enjoying relationship together! And what a beautiful picture to go to bed with. God as close as my lover, delighting in me, as I gaze in adoration at Him!!!
I just wanted to get my first post up before I go to bed. Have my girlie group in the morning, really looking forward to it ... unfortunately not looking forward to the 9am start as much! But plan on spending the rest of the day writting prayer stuff for the Atlanta mission and watching movies, so guess I can add some extra sleep into that too!
One quick thought before I go to bed though - how good is God. Julie and I been talking a little this week over delighting ourselves in God, as He gives us the desires of our hearts, as He's the one that placed them there. She came in today and was telling me about how she was pouring our heart out to Him, and she felt Him say to her that He delights in her. How cool is that! God delights in us like a lover, as we delight in Him! No wonder the desires of our hearts are fulfilled, as He becomes the obbsession of our hearts, desires and affections. Everything else falls into line within that, from friends, work, partners, etc, you name it. It all begins in delighting in each other though, and enjoying relationship together! And what a beautiful picture to go to bed with. God as close as my lover, delighting in me, as I gaze in adoration at Him!!!
"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37v4 (NIV)
and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37v4 (NIV)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)