Panic over ...

How good is God! He knows me so so well, and always speaks into my situations right when I really need Him to. Yesterday at church is a classic example. Jim had preached a great sermon in the morning, and as usual I was really looking forward to going to East Mains again at night. However, I had spent all afternoon looking at college stuff, funding etc (as my blog yesterday shows), and to be totally honest had freaked myself out. Not just with the funding stuff, but with other thoughts that have been flying around my head for weeks now.

So here are my worries. First one is that I'll be the only female student at the college. I'm all for female equality and stuff, like I've often said I'd have been a feminist if God hadn't shown me it was wrong. But I'm a little scared about being the only one at college, and having little in the way of girlie input. I've always been annoyed about how it's still a man's world, even if we don't admit it always, in churches and organisations. And for some reason it seems more emphesised in the Christian world, almost as if we're even further behind. I've already been warned that some churches may not want me as I'm female, but some definately will ... and that both annoys and scares me.

Then there's the fact I'll only be 22 when I start. And it'll be a recent 22. I'm still a baby, or thats how it feels most of the time. Yet I'll be there studying things with people a lot older than me, trying to hold my own. When I was reading my module outlines yeasterday all I could think was that I needed a dictionary just to be able to understand the first sentence, how will I cope in lectures etc. Despite Ian telling me that the fact I'm constantly taking notes will help, there's a difference between taking the notes and actually understanding what they're talking about!

Added to those two is a third. Some would say I'm child-like, but most of the time I just think of it as child-ish. I'm really not that mature, I still have so much in the way of growing up to do. And given reasons one and two for being scared, three just compunds it. What if I'm not accepted by people. At the end of the day I know God's called me to youth work, and thats a little different than the ministry stuff that the others will have been called to. What if my ideas, or thoughts on stuff are more trouble-some than refreshing to people? And what if it swings the other way, and I come out, I don't know, maybe 'stuffy' is the best way to describe it, having lost that excitement and passion? Thats the last thing I want to happen!

And so, all these thoughts have been rushing around my head for weeks. Working in Wesley Owen is a real struggle, and not just there. More in me as well, in terms of battling with pride and that being where God has placed me for the moment, for a reason. I'm not less of a human because of it. Yet I guess it's just weird saying thats where I work now, after being a credible youth worker for so long, and always wanting to end the sentence with "but I'm going to Bible College in Spetember." Yet despite saying that, inside I'm harbouring all these little fears and insecurities, that while I tell God about them, it's more in a 'what are you thinking sending me there' kinda way rather than a 'need your help' one.

So it was into all of that that God spoke last night. And His timing, as ever, could not have been more perfect!

God of Justice (We Must Go)

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out, Lord

Charlene was leading worship last night as Stewarty's band was playing, and right before Jim's sermon this was the song we sang. I love this song, and have played it quite a bit recently (thanks again Ricky for the blokes prayer worship cd's!), but at the time didn't realise how perfectly it tied into the sermon. Anyway, as we were worshipping I had to just sit and soak in God. He took me back to Pizza Hut the other night with Stewart. I had been talking about someone, having a rant almost because a situation was really on my heart. Anyway, I'd commented about how I wished sometimes God had made me to care so much, to be so compassionate and passionate about people. Sometimes it hurt too much and I wished I could just walk away.

God took me there, to that conversation, to show me that He was pleased that He'd made me that way. He told me not to wish to be different, I was made to care for people. He had made me like that to send me out among people. And though it may be hard at times, and I may not like it, He made me like that and it's a good thing. Had a feeling about homeless people figuring in there somewhere, but God didn't reveal much more of what that means. Will keep in mind, and maybe pray some more into it. Not sure if it's partly because of what Laney said a while ago. Also know God was talking generally about not depising me heart, but embracing it and enlarging it more. Ties in with some other stuff too, which is just confirmation, always good. Whatever, I just really needed to hear that word from Him!

Then God just spoke even more to me during Jim's sermon. In Mark 6 just now in our evening Mark study series. Looked at the bit where Jesus moves around the villages, calling the follwers to Himself, preparing them and then sending them out with His instructions and authority to do His work. Jim felt that God had been telling him as he prepared that this was to be some people's nights, as God spoke to them about being sent out to do something they had been thinking about. That God calls us to Himself, to be intimate and prepare us, so that He can then send us out!

Jim spoke about it in two stages. Stage one being hearing the call of Jesus and going for it, and then stage two being sent out in His power and authority. Within that Jesus tells us to travel light with possessions - probably good stuff for me to hear, what with all my unpacked boxes and stuff! But more about the fact I've been stressing about what I'll do money wise when I'm at uni, and moaning about having to live at home etc, when all the time God's been saying don't become obsessed with it or let it matter too much. Seek Me and My Kingdom first and let Me add the rest onto it ... the stuff you need not want, the best for you from Me.

Jesus sent people out in His power and authority and told them not to worry about what people thought. About people rejecting them. People won't always like or accept me, let alone love me. Jesus tells me not to worry about that, or become hung up on it, but instead to move on. That's the view I need to take while I'm at college. Not to worry, change or try to conform, but just be me - loving God and letting Him love me. Jim shared something someone shared with him that changes things for him, and it made me think differently:
"Even if I mess up this day, even if people don't like or love me, my Heavenly Father does!"

I'm being sent out in God's power - to preach, to heal, to cast out demons. And that's what I'm to do. Declare and demonstrate, it's in His power, not mine. Which brings with it the final thing on obedience. When Jesus said go, the followers went. They didn't hagggle, or try and negotiate, question or second guess. Jesus said go ... and they just went. God's told me to go to Baptist College, He's called me into ministry ... I need to just obey. He's told me to do things before that have seemed impossible, but He's enabled me and it's been amazing. Why should now be different? God's never been wrong, or late, or stupid before now, so He's not gonna start now! With God you either say yes or you say no, there's no room for negotiation. Each time you say no, it becomes easier to say no the next time. Equally every time you say yes, it becomes easier the next time, because you realise more of what God can do. And if I talk about wanting to be all God wants me to be, and do all He wants me to do, not settling for mediocre and second best then the path of obedience is the only one I can walk. As every testimony I've ever heard from any Godly, wise person I respect shows me, and as I'm discovering for myself more and more, obedience at the end of the day is well worth any cost.

God's called me on an amazing adventure. It's scary, and I may not have a clue where God's leading and what exactly it all means. But how cool that He would plan such an adventure for me. Every time I get on a rollercoaster I freak out before hand. Almost every time I wanna chicken out, my hearts pounding, my palms are sweating, I'm thinking I have to be crazy to be doing this ... but when I'm on that ride it's the most amazing feeling. All the intensity of the build up is worth it. And I get off ready for anything, desperately wanting to do it all again. My life with Jesus is a rollercoaster ride, full of every emotion and feeling possible ... but when I get to heaven I long to hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant" and to be able to respond with "phew, what a ride ... can we do it again!"

Fill me up and send me out Jesus!!!