Jonathon was having his day off yesterday so was stuck on dishes all day in Chapter House. Actually wasn't that bad, and I was having one of those weird days when you feel all emotional for no apparent reason. You know the kind where you don't even really wanna talk to people.
Anyway, never read it, but have heard loads about Brother Lawrence's book 'Practicing the Presence of God', and I guess in a small way thats what I got to do. Doing the job gave m a weird satisfaction, as did knowing that even that was worship to God.
But, probably the biggest thing being on the dishes for all those hours did for me was give me some time and space to be with God. The night before when Jo and Alison were praying for me God really floored me. I mean, He was putting things in my head and then telling Jo who'd speak them out too. And the stuff was pretty huge for me. I thought I was dealing with the whole Mark stuff, and relationships, and where my security comes from etc ... or at least was putting up a good front thinking it'll get better ... but thankfully God knows it all already, regardless of if I try and hide it. And I know that He'll help me continue to work out the struggles I'm having at the moment. But yesterday, it was still very much on my mind, and so was a real blessing to be given space.
I have to say that I haven't really gotten anything any more sorted in my head, but I have started reading 'Authentic Beauty' again, a little later than God first told me, and I will work through all the added bits I skipped before. But before I'd even gotten to work God had reminded me that I was His. Was listening to Louie Giglio on the Soul In The City DVD (working through his talks at the moment), and building on all God taught me last week (the I am not, but I know I AM stuff that is), God reminded me that His name was 'Be'. I just needed to 'be' with Him, and that I really am His 'be-loved'. When I'm really struggling in the whole love, singleness, relationships, security stuff that really is a great thing for me to hear. And I need to remember that my attitude should first and foremost be to want to bless His name, regardless of the season I'm going through. I want to want to love Jesus with all I have, am and are going to become. To really know His Truth, and what it means to be His and have Him as mine. Despite having been a Christian for 10 years this year, I haven't quite grasped hold of that fully yet.
So Father, please help me to be honest with You. To really open up my heart to You, letting You into all the places I try to hide or put a brave face on. Show me how to grieve and how to really leave the past with You and break the chains and the ties that bind me up. Some of them have been loosened, but I know that You don't even want to leave me just in that place. I know You long to free me, and despite my stubornness, resistence, pride, freakishness, that's what I long for too. But it's funny how you can long for something, and know it'd be so great, but are so scared of the pain that You keep a hold of it. I guess I figure if I keep it hidden away, or have my fist clenched tightly round it then I have an excuse to feel the way I do, or behave the way I do ... and sometimes it's even just so I have a sense of security and a feeling of being in control, even if it's quite twisted in logical terms. You're the God that gives and takes away. Regardless of my feelings or my circumstances You are the Unchanging God, the same yesterday, tday and forever. You are still holy, and worthy, and awesome. You are still full of grace and mercy and love. You're name is still the one that deserves praise and honour and blessing. Thank You for keeping opening my eyes to the fact that You delight in Me. Help me to not belittle that, and realise that You really are all I need. Thank You for saving me, and for being patient with me as we continue to 'work out my salvation' on a daily basis. I know I can be so thick sometimes, and you really have to keep telling me things over and over again before I get them. Help me grow and mature in hearing from You and acting on it straight away without all the doubts or twenty million questions. And help me to leave my love story and my life story in Your hands. Help me to daily let You have the pen, put You in the driving seat. I'm such a control freak, and can hold on to things so tight. I pray I'd be able to let go and let You be God in everything in whatever way You should choose. I am not God, but You are. I am not strong, in fact I'm really weak, but You are strength. I'm not in control, but You are. I don't know what the future holds, but You do. And You are trustworthy. I am not, that I am painfully aware of. Please keep opening my eyes to the fact the You Are. That I am not, but I really do know I Am. Thank you Daddy
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