Interesting fact of the day ...

G was leading student prayers today and though I don't remember all he said, I do remember the interesting fact he told us about fruit. Apparently if you place a piece of ripe fruit next to another piece of fruit then it will ripen faster.

Was thinking about that in relation to Jesus. Passage in question for today was from Hebrews 10v10-14, 19-25. End of the passage talks about the fact that now we have atonement because of Jesus we can boldly enter God's presence, drawing near to God in full assurance. In terms of fruit, then I guess that relates to what I was thinking about last night. If I'm closer to Jesus, then He'll 'ripen' me - but it's my choice to enter. And at the moment that choice feels really hard. Don't remember the last time I felt this insecure or dry. It's like God and I have a relationship where He talks sometimes, I listen sometimes, but the intimacy is hard to come by. Want to know that assurance of the blood of Jesus cleansing me, so that I can boldly enter in full confidence.

My Bible notes for today really hit on some of that as well. Here's a little excerpt (Inspiring Women Everyday)
'You cannot fulfil God's purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans. Just when you have dealt with self and are enjoying you newfound journey with Jesus, our will rears its ugly head again! ... True surrender of the will is, without a doubt, based on complete confidence in the One to whom it is surrendered, and yeilding ourselves to the One in whom we have put our trust.'

Think my will is not trying to stop me fulfilling God's purposes as such ... I think it's more clinging to an old way of life. I know I need to let it go, but it's much nicer to just leave things the way they are. Know I can't do that. Maybe thats the truth, that the reality is that I'm not intimate with Jesus because I'm avoiding it. I know that intimacy with Him means that I need to change some things, let some things go, and I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt, but maybe the truth is actually that I'm hurting myself more in my dishonesty. Everytime I begin to think I've dealt with something, or that finally I'm over something, either I slip back into old ways, or God turns up the heat on it again. I know that He does it to refine me, but its hot! I know its for my own good, but sometimes its harder to surrender to it than at other times.

Was watching Mattie in Home And Away tonight, where she tried to cover up that she had bulemia. Now, I've been there with the whole eating disorder thing, so not too hard to get into her mind. But felt like I could identify with her just now too, the pushing people away because you don't want them to get too close. Too close means they see the 'real' you, and means they could hurt you or reject you. So you kind of use other methods and push everything under the carpet, you cope. But really your dying inside. I feel like a mix of emotions inside at the moment, some of which I can explain the reason for, and others I can't, but it feels like I'm dying inside at times. At others it just feels numb, punctuated with times that feel really good, but don't last. Last week I nearly bit S's head off when he tried to explore why I said something. He kept pushing it because he cares, and because he thinks its important. But I had barriers up good and proper. We talked about how there should be none between us, and how we should actively seek to take them down, but right there and then I just couldn't. I pushed him away. Just like I push God away on a daily basis, or hold Him at arms length, keeping things on my terms, afraid to surrender and give my all because then I have no control. It all comes down to control in the end I guess. I hate the feeling of being out of control, and giving myself completely to God on every single thing means I'd be completely out of control.

Just had the sudden realisation, this is where I always end up. Sometimes the issues change, but always comes back to control. God wants to be in control of my life, and I won't surrender it completely. I stay in the Valley, powerless and presenceless, because I haven't been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Jim was talking on Sunday night about how to survive and have power and presence in the Valley (of life) then we needed to have been to the mountain-top with Jesus. Not that we needed to stay there, but we needed to have at least been there. Was talking out of the Transfiguration in Mark 9.

Aside from the me stuff, there were also some things that he kept saying that seemed out of context, but seemed to speak to me about S and I, haven't been able to get them out my mind since. Like I said, it seemed out of context, and totally wouldn't have spoken to at least half the congregation. He kept saying that we should let God influence and decide who we go out with, and who we marry. He must have said it at least three times. Its been on my mind ever since - ain't it funny that God still speaks some stuff to me when I'm fighting with Him on surrendering everything to Him.

Before I started going out with S, while we were still in the 'going on dates' stage, I was praying about whether I should get together with him - after my last relationship, needed to be sure God was ok with it - and I felt God give me a real peace. Really sensed Him saying that it was ok, he was right for me, and at the right time we'd get together, I didn't need to stress. So I didn't, and after about six weeks we got together. About four months down the line I began to think that we weren't communicating well, and so should we split. As usual, didn't talk to S, other than to worry him, but thankfully before I did, God showed me that I was not close to Him, so how could I be close to S. Very true, and so I spoke to him about it, and it all got sorted out. Now, here I am six months in, and I'm questioning things again. Not in a bad way, not like I wanna split up with him ... that couldn't be further from the truth. But last week I couldn't tell him about how I feel about myself ... I was awake half the night thinking about 'us' stuff, and as a result had a 'fat day' today. The 'us' stuff was about how we talk about God and church stuff - but actually do we encourage each other. We're intimate in some ways, and I don't want that to change necessarily, but feels like we look to everywhere else but each other for spiritual support. He goes to the guys, I have L and the girls. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself, but actually we avoid each other a bit when it comes to spiritual stuff - we talk about some stuff, but then our spiritual sides are totally cut off from each other.

If God's allowed me to go out with him, I would even go as far as to say brought us together, then why are we so cut off from each other when it comes to God? God's stopped me making a mistake and breaking up with him in the time we've been together, yet we're not growing together spiritually. We both want to honour God and serve Him, but it feels as though that just always happens totally independant of each other. I'm not quite sure how to fix this, and I'm totally not saying that we need to start going to church together or anything like that ... I'm just acknowledging the fact that this just doesn't feel right.

Apart from the bit in Hebrews from this morning that talks about entering into the presence of the Most Holy, it also says that we 'consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds.' (v24) I want to be and do that for S in our relationship as much as anything else. And as much as I do that for other friends and they do that for me. Know I need to chat with him about it, helps just to get it all out first. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight now that I've verballised some of what I'm feeling. Who knows!

Guess the prayer from the end of my notes sums everything up well:
'Lord, I give You my regrets, my problems, my past, my future, my ambitions, my dreams, my weaknesses, my habits, my hurts, my will. Amen.'

And now I guess I should go to bed ... brain still active, so praying I sleep ...